Re: I lost it today...

[Guest guest]

Abby,

I hear you loud and clear. It sounds all to familiar. I feel for you,

of course you knew that but I know it's nice to hear. Take care,

Shirley

> I think I must be really feeling it now that my dad is starting to

> decline rapidly and my back to work date is approaching fast. I

lost

> it with my mom and now I feel really badly about it.

>

> I think it was Josie (but I may be wrong) who said all the

decisions

> were left up to her. I wonder how people do that for so long.

I've

> only been dealing with this for 6 months but I sometimes feel so

> resentful of the fact that I'm left to take care of all the details

> of my father's illness.

>

> What spurned me today is that my mother called me 4x in a panic

about

> one thing or another regarding my father or something else. It

> wasn't that he was ill -I would have handled that - it was other

> things. To begin, yesterday before we took him to the hospital, I

> ordered a walker for my dad. They delivered it yesterday while we

> were at the hospital and left a note (which my mom found this

morning)

> saying it was on the back porch/greenhouse. Well, my mom found the

> note but not the walker. She called me in a panic. I was about to

> head over there but then she calls on my cell phone and told me she

> found it hidden behind a plant in my dad's greenhouse. Then she

> called me an hour later to remind me to make an appointment for my

> dad with his neurologist. I had already left a message with him by

> this point. Then she called to tell me to order some flowers to

send

> to the funeral home for my dad's cousin's who died yesterday.

Then,

> at 4:30 she calls me in a panic to tell me that the ortho chair we

> ordered for my dad arrived today but it was not big enough and I

> needed to call the people we ordered it from and have this one

picked

> up and order him a larger one. By that point I lost it.

>

> I do realize that my parents' English is not the best and I

purposely

> took time off so that I could help them, but I guess after

> yesterday's hospital jaunt I'm at the end of my rope. I lost it

with

> my mom.

>

> I do have a sister who is older than me but she was too immersed

in

> an important project at work and battling a deadline so she

couldn't

> take any time off when my dad first became ill. Now, she's in Las

> Vegas for a few days on a trip she booked months ago. My sister

does

> help but mostly I don't think she's ready to acknowledge how much

> this disease has changed everything. She does go over to sleep at

my

> parents from time to time but my mom (martyr that she is) doesn't

> want to bother her with most of this and actually tells my dad to

> quiet down so he doesn't wake my sister. That's not my sister's

> fault but it's frustrating for me.

>

> I am not resentful of my father's illness - at least I don't think

I

> am but I am feeling overwhelmed lately and feel frustrated that

> things aren't more settled. I try to make plan Bs but my mother

and

> my sister don't always approach this disease from the angle that I

> do.

>

> I guess I'm just reacting to everything that's been happening

lately

> and the fact that I'm worried about how it will all be taken care

of

> once I go back to work. Everyone tells me not to worry but how can

I

> not be concerned about who will take care of all of this once I no

> longer have the time to do so?

>

> Please don't feel you have to respond to this post. I just needed

to

> vent and put down everything I was feeling. I'm actually surprised

> if you were able to make heads or tails out of this.

>

> I guess I read everyday about how you all cope and handle things

and

> very rarely does it seem to get to you. Perhaps it's a case of

> the " grass is always greener " but I feel so out of control in

> comparison to you all.

>

> Part of this stems also from the fact that I did get angry at my

> mother's 4th call to me today and now feel guilty about it. She

> didn't choose to have her life altered this way either.

>

> Aw heck - I think I just need some sleep. I have a 9 am

appointment

> tomorrow with the Community Care people who are having an

> occupational therapist visit my dad's house and are arranging for

> snow removal for my dad. It just never ends...

>

> Thanks for wading through this.

>

> Abby

[Guest guest]

Abby,

I hear you loud and clear. It sounds all to familiar. I feel for you,

of course you knew that but I know it's nice to hear. Take care,

Shirley

> I think I must be really feeling it now that my dad is starting to

> decline rapidly and my back to work date is approaching fast. I

lost

> it with my mom and now I feel really badly about it.

>

> I think it was Josie (but I may be wrong) who said all the

decisions

> were left up to her. I wonder how people do that for so long.

I've

> only been dealing with this for 6 months but I sometimes feel so

> resentful of the fact that I'm left to take care of all the details

> of my father's illness.

>

> What spurned me today is that my mother called me 4x in a panic

about

> one thing or another regarding my father or something else. It

> wasn't that he was ill -I would have handled that - it was other

> things. To begin, yesterday before we took him to the hospital, I

> ordered a walker for my dad. They delivered it yesterday while we

> were at the hospital and left a note (which my mom found this

morning)

> saying it was on the back porch/greenhouse. Well, my mom found the

> note but not the walker. She called me in a panic. I was about to

> head over there but then she calls on my cell phone and told me she

> found it hidden behind a plant in my dad's greenhouse. Then she

> called me an hour later to remind me to make an appointment for my

> dad with his neurologist. I had already left a message with him by

> this point. Then she called to tell me to order some flowers to

send

> to the funeral home for my dad's cousin's who died yesterday.

Then,

> at 4:30 she calls me in a panic to tell me that the ortho chair we

> ordered for my dad arrived today but it was not big enough and I

> needed to call the people we ordered it from and have this one

picked

> up and order him a larger one. By that point I lost it.

>

> I do realize that my parents' English is not the best and I

purposely

> took time off so that I could help them, but I guess after

> yesterday's hospital jaunt I'm at the end of my rope. I lost it

with

> my mom.

>

> I do have a sister who is older than me but she was too immersed

in

> an important project at work and battling a deadline so she

couldn't

> take any time off when my dad first became ill. Now, she's in Las

> Vegas for a few days on a trip she booked months ago. My sister

does

> help but mostly I don't think she's ready to acknowledge how much

> this disease has changed everything. She does go over to sleep at

my

> parents from time to time but my mom (martyr that she is) doesn't

> want to bother her with most of this and actually tells my dad to

> quiet down so he doesn't wake my sister. That's not my sister's

> fault but it's frustrating for me.

>

> I am not resentful of my father's illness - at least I don't think

I

> am but I am feeling overwhelmed lately and feel frustrated that

> things aren't more settled. I try to make plan Bs but my mother

and

> my sister don't always approach this disease from the angle that I

> do.

>

> I guess I'm just reacting to everything that's been happening

lately

> and the fact that I'm worried about how it will all be taken care

of

> once I go back to work. Everyone tells me not to worry but how can

I

> not be concerned about who will take care of all of this once I no

> longer have the time to do so?

>

> Please don't feel you have to respond to this post. I just needed

to

> vent and put down everything I was feeling. I'm actually surprised

> if you were able to make heads or tails out of this.

>

> I guess I read everyday about how you all cope and handle things

and

> very rarely does it seem to get to you. Perhaps it's a case of

> the " grass is always greener " but I feel so out of control in

> comparison to you all.

>

> Part of this stems also from the fact that I did get angry at my

> mother's 4th call to me today and now feel guilty about it. She

> didn't choose to have her life altered this way either.

>

> Aw heck - I think I just need some sleep. I have a 9 am

appointment

> tomorrow with the Community Care people who are having an

> occupational therapist visit my dad's house and are arranging for

> snow removal for my dad. It just never ends...

>

> Thanks for wading through this.

>

> Abby

[Guest guest]

Dear Abby:

You idealize me, or it is maybe the way that I write things up. We also have

problems, loose our patience and feel overwhelmed. I have always been good

at taking charge in a crisis. It gives me control in an uncontrollable

situation. I did not get involved in my dad's care until he had his stroke,

July 12,

and he dien August 18. It was a very intense time, but also very short.

Hardly enouth time to burn out. You have been doing this for 6 months now.

I had my mom in my house, since it is very close to the hospital and we did

not want to leave her alone. My sister decided that my mom would stay with me.

We ended up enjoying it a lot, and my mom got some of the rest she so

desperatelly needed. She had been taking care of my dad by herself. He was

still

pretty ambulatory and mentally capable of his immediate needs. She had to help

him bathe, eat and remind him to change his clothes after his shower.

I has a similar experience with my sister. She also had a planned vacation.

They take every year to a resort in Florida with a group of friends and all

their children, and now grandchildren. Unfortunatelly, that was the first time

the hospital and I felt my dad was dying, and they had to come back, they go

by car, it is only 3 hours away. Everyone came to visit him. He looked so

peaceful and quiet. I can't remember how it happened, but he suddenly woke up

and was so lucid we were amazed. He said: " I didn't die because I did not

want to die now " . He realized that his time was coming, though, and started

saying his good-byes to everyone who visited.

I can also relate to your mom. There are times when I really feel so out of

control that I get into a panic about the smallest thing. You may want to

explain to her that this is a long term condition and that she should wait and

think about how important or not, or how easily corrected a problem is. Not to

send you into a frenzy of fixing things, like the walker, which she later

found, and was really nothing; or the wheel chair, which has to be dealt with

the

agency that sent it, it is going to take a while and there is no reason to

panic because it is just one more problem that can be corrected over the phone.

As you observed, she is reacting to the major change that is coming into her

life. Maybe she is thinking ahead too much, she is now busy with taking care

of your dad, but she realizes that later there will be a void.

My sister, who is the most organized person I know, used to make lists for my

parents. She organized my dad's medicines, they had those weekly medicine

dispensers and she filled up one for the morning and one for the evening pills

once a week. She made lists of what needed to be done. You could make lists

for your mom for the things that need to be done in chronological order and

give them, as well, and order of importance. When she sees everything in black

and white and she can cross out items already done, she will gain a sense of

control, independence, and accomplishment that she is not getting as things

stand now, so dependent on you.

You cold make the same list for your sister and have her at least help to

make sure your mom is keeping up with it. Start out by giving yur sister small

duties in the care of your parents, she will soon realize how things are and

take up her share of duties. I think most of the dramatic changes took place

while she was away, or am I wrong?

I know the situation with older parents and trying to communicate in English.

It is difficult. I cannot say we had the same problem, here in Miami all

the services, from 911 to the hospitals have bilingual operators, so my mom was

able to speak to them in Spanish right away.

" I guess I'm just reacting to everything that's been happening lately

and the fact that I'm worried about how it will all be taken care of

once I go back to work.  Everyone tells me not to worry but how can I

not be concerned about who will take care of all of this once I no

longer have the time to do so? "

As I said before, make lists. That helps me a lot. I think that I worry so

much because I try to keep everything in my head and worry that I may forget

to do something important. If you have a list, you only have to worry about

loosing your list! LOL! Share your list with as many people as you can and

see who is willing and able to take up an item or two. My parents have

neighbors that helped with taking out the garbage, picking up the newspaper and

making

sure that everything was ok at their house. They had my sister and my phone

numbers, in case something happened and they had to get in touch with us.

These wonderful people are still doing garbage duty for my mom, permanently!

The feeling out of control is so normal. Everyone does, you have been very

lucky to have felt in control for so long. You have worked hard and done all

the right things, and so have your parents, for themselves and for you and your

sister. Now, you find no logic to the events that are happening. It is very

difficult to process.

We all loose our patience with our moms, including my " perfect " children!

LOL (or maybe especially?). That's the beauty of being an old mom with young

children, I tell them: " don't think you are going to change me, many people

have tried and not succeeded, and I am too old to change now " .

By 10 AM today, after your meeting with the Community Care people, you will

have two more items to cross off on your list! Doesn't that make you feel that

you are on your way to some control? It is great that they offer those

services. Maybe you can figure out more things they can do for your parents. I

hadn't though about snow removal!

I had to anwer because I felt so much empathy, plus you guys wade through my

long posts all the time. By the way, your English major showed through, it

was so well written I had everything in my head until I quoted you, and then I

went back to write the proper name for the agency that is helping you today!

Take some time off, I used to go for drives in the snow when I was living

further north. Take care, God bless you, love,

Josie