Re: maybe I'm just angry......

[Guest guest]

Dear Carole,

I totally understand the fluff thing. My father is a recovering

alcoholic and he kisses my butt now. Everyone censors their feelings

in my family except me. No one makes waves. It feels really fake. I

think about it a lot and I believe that our loved ones don't

understand us. They don't know what to say. Maybe that is how your

siblings feel. I also think that suffering makes us more empathetic.

We put ourselves in everyones shoes. Just so we don't take for

granted anyones feelings. i think you should try to enjoy your visit.

I find that I misunderstand people, but they should be there for you.

No excuses. Your feelings are so valid and important. I am not trying

to discount them. I myself just tell myself that they are human and

try to be happy that they make an effort. If it really bothers you ,

maybe find a way to tell them what is bothering you. It is really

hard to do, but you will get it off of your chest that way. Happy

Holidays Sweety! I am praying all goes well for you . I hope I have

helped a little! love Sharon xxoo

> Hello,

>

> Maybe its just because I'm in a flare, or its the holidays and I

> don't feel

> very holiday-ish. I'm having a really hard time with fluffy

> conversation and

> emails from relatives and friends. It's like, I don't have time for

> fluff, be

> real with me! Tell me how you FEEL, show me bits of your HEART,

> your SOUL. I

> don't have time for blah, blah, blah.

>

> Maybe I'm just spoiled. Virtually all conversations with my

> wonderful mate

> touch my heart, whether its trying to cheer each other up, make

> each other

> feel better or find out how the other is. All the emails I get on

> this loop

> touch my heart either with honest shares of feelings, or of hope or

> of fear. I

> even get shares of joys once in a while which are the frosting on

> the cake.

>

> But all this crap I get at the holidays - well it is just crap and

> I get

> angry that I waste my time on it. I have only so many spoons. I

> don't want to

> waste them on fluff.

>

> Maybe that's why the visit with my siblings is freaking me out so

> much (my 4

> bro/sis are coming in 1/07 - haven't seen some in 10 years). If it

> stays all

> polite fluff, I'll have wasted 5 days of spoons. There is a ton of

> hurt

> feelings that have accumulated in the past decade, do I bring it up

> or let it

> slide, grateful that they've all spent time and money and their own

> spoons to

> see me. I keep wondering why I can't get excited about their visit.

> We have

> NEVER gotten together for no reason since we were children 40 years

> ago. Part of

> me is still so angry they never visited me in the hospital when I

> first got

> sick 9 or 10 years ago. I lived close by then, within a couple

> hours drive. I

> just can't let that go - I would have been to any of their sides in a

> heart-beat if they had been in a hospital for 2 weeks with a " fever

> of unknown

> origin " . And over the years I had been. And while I don't want to

> keep ledgers, I

> guess I have.

>

> Boy - I sound like a spoiled baby, don't I? But I am feeling so

> scared, anx

> ious about everything. I am in a flair and I worry that I won't

> bounce back

> afterwards to the status quo, that the status quo gets a bit worse

> year after

> year and that I'm old. And its the holidays and I don't feel at all

> holiday-ish. Al and I used to play Mr & Mrs Santa Clause with all

> the neighbor kids at

> midnight on Christmas Eve giving away ebay toys that didn't sell.

> All the

> neighbor kids have moved away this year.

>

> But I am grateful for my sweet wonderful Mr Clause, and I am

> grateful beyond

> words for this loop who don't waste my time with fluff and don't

> use up my

> spoons with dribble. Thank you all for touching my heart, my soul

> and my life.

> Merry Christmas and Happy Chanukah to each and every one of you and

> thank

> you for the best gift, you!

>

> Love Carole

>

>

[Guest guest]

I want to thank each and every one of you for all your kind thoughts on my

freaking out about my family visit. I'm sure you'll hear much more than you'll

want in the next 2 to 3 (they come on 1/14). I have taken all that you've

said and wrapped it around my heart for strength!

Love Carole from Hollywood FL

In a message dated 12/22/2006 1:08:37 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

sharon@... writes:

Dear Carole,

I totally understand the fluff thing. My father is a recovering

alcoholic and he kisses my butt now. Everyone censors their feelings

in my family except me. No one makes waves. It feels really fake. I

think about it a lot and I believe that our loved ones don't

understand us. They don't know what to say. Maybe that is how your

siblings feel. I also think that suffering makes us more empathetic.

We put ourselves in everyones shoes. Just so we don't take for

granted anyones feelings. i think you should try to enjoy your visit.

I find that I misunderstand people, but they should be there for you.

No excuses. Your feelings are so valid and important. I am not trying

to discount them. I myself just tell myself that they are human and

try to be happy that they make an effort. If it really bothers you ,

maybe find a way to tell them what is bothering you. It is really

hard to do, but you will get it off of your chest that way. Happy

Holidays Sweety! I am praying all goes well for you . I hope I have

helped a little! love Sharon xxoo