FYI: DEAR & PUVAS: When Setting limits & responding to verbal abuse from BPs

[Guest guest]

Hi KOs,

Randi wrote the following.

Its from the BPD Central Library at the URL below and its for those who

continue having a relationship with the BP in their life.

http://bpdcentral.com/nook/thesea.htm

- Edith

<<

These are techniques to use when setting limits and responding to verbal

abuse from BPs. Note: This library has other techniques for responding

to put-downs, sarcasm and snipping, which require a completely different

approach.)

You need to PRACTICE these on friends first. In reality, conversations

will go so fast you need to make these part of you. But it is worth it,

for once you do you will have a way to respond quickly and automatically

in a way that will respect everyone's feelings.

The first time I tried PUVAS I forgot the PUV. I tried it again and it

worked so fast it was like turning off the anger like a light switch.

This excerpt is from Love and Loathing: Protecting Your Mental Health

and Legal Rights When Your Partner has BPD by Kim and Randi

Kreger, only available by calling 1-888-35-SHELL.

These are also in SWOE but in a different format. The publisher didn't

like the acronym PUVAS. I think they thought it was too long. But I

discovered each part really is needed. That's why I look at PUVAS in two

parts: PUV and AS. It makes it much easier.

BTW, " Love and Loathing " is NOT AVAILABLE IN BOOKSTORES, AMAZON.COM,

OR ANYWHERE ELSE EXCEPT BY CALLING .

I am only stressing this because inevitably people will wear themselves

out looking for this in bookstores and get frustrated and end up with

the wrong book.

________________________________________________________________

Oh DEAR--Asking for Change

DEAR is an acronym that puts the emotions and problems back where they

belong--with the BP. Thus, it stops rewarding your partner for their

" old " behavior and makes it more likely over time that they will either

change or you will be more likely to get your needs met.

Using DEAR means that you will have to change your behavior too--from

ineffective fighting to assertively asking for respect and equal

treatment in this relationship. Developed by researcher Marsha M.

Linehan, Ph.D. DEAR stands for Describe, Express, Assert, and Reinforce.

Pick a good time to talk to your partner about your personal limits--a

time when they are feeling grounded and in good spirits. Many times,

when things are going well, non-BPs do not bring up difficult issues

because they do not want to spoil the mood. But if you feel this way,

you will need to overcome the urge to leave well enough alone.

Of course, if you can do this in a therapist's office, so much the

better. As long as your partner sees this person as your therapist, they

may be willing to go.

Following are each of the steps and how you can use them to explain your

personal limits to the BP:

* Describe the situation as you see it without exaggerating, making

judgments, or explaining how you felt about it. Be as objective and as

specific as you can. It may help to pretend you are a video camera

capturing the action exactly as it happened.

Do not use judgmental or loaded words or phrases. Do not claim that you

are privy to the BP's inner motivations or feelings, although you can

say that it appeared as if they were upset, angry, etc.

If you don't think that your partner will let you talk without arguing,

interrupting or raging, you may need to talk in a public place, in

front of a therapist or friends, or write a letter.

For example: " You have been living here for three months since you lost

your job. I was happy to be able to help you and immediately invited you

in when you gave me the bad news. However, during this time I have also

noticed it has been more expensive having a third person here. "

At this point, our imaginary non-BP did not pull out the telephone or

food bill. That could have lead to an immediate fight about whether her

partner owed this or that--something she did not want to get into.

* Next, express your feelings or opinions about the situation clearly.

Take responsibility for your own feelings; i.e., do not say, " You made

me feel this way. " You may need to do some thinking beforehand in order

to determine your exact emotions. Try to determine what your feelings

are as opposed to feelings that the borderline may be trying to project

onto you.

For example: " I am scared that I will not be able to afford living

expenses for me and my son. I feel like I am living on hold and worrying

until you get a job, and that is keeping me up at night. The car payment

is due and I have to borrow the money from my Dad, which I hate to do. "

Our imaginary non-BP did not retread all their former arguments about

her frustration at her partner not searching for a job. That would have

put the focus on him and his motivations--a ripe place for a fight. And

besides, it's not necessary. Whom she chooses to let stay at her

apartment for free is her business. She doesn't need to defend or

explain.

Then, assert your limits, making them simple. Again, explain that you

want this not because it is right, expected, normal, or how the BP

should act. Instead, you want this because it is your personal

preference, this is how you would like to be treated, and this is

behavior that makes you feel comfortable.

For example, " I am no longer willing to continue this situation the way

it has been. I understand that you or someone else might do things

differently, but this is the way it has to be for me. " Repeat several

times, if necessary. Avoid making value judgments and debating the

" rightness " and " wrongness " of each position. This simple act can

eliminate 50% of your arguments (according to one non-BP.)

Another example, with a specific goal: " I care about you and your

situation very much. But I must put my son and our own basic needs

first. I need you to pay the $1,000 you owe me within three months, and

find a new place by then as well. "

As we said, repeat yourself if necessary--several times is all

right--and reinforce the benefits of your limits (in this case, a

continued, good relationship). Explain the positive effects of getting

what you need; e.g., " I love you and want to stay together, but I really

feel we get along better without the added stress of all these money

issues. "

If appropriate, help the BP see the negative effects of the status quo

(continued fighting) and your unwillingness to continue things as they

are. It is essential that you stay calm and not get caught up in your

partner's projections, accusations, threats, etc. They will test you

(see " countermoves " in STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS, p. 153), escalating

their demands to see if you really mean it. So you must be firm and be

consistent. You're asking them to change--but you are going to have to

change too. You are going to have to be assertive and follow through.

Make eye contact. Stand, or at least make sure you're not physically

lower than your mate. Use a serious facial expression and a convincing

voice. And then, show that you mean it with escalating consequences. You

may need to lay these out at the beginning: if you don't get the first

payment, you will no longer be able to feed him. If you don't get it

within another month, you may have to change the locks. Make sure your

partner knows the consequences of his actions (or inaction).

Of course, BPD being the disorder that it is, you can be sure he will

call you names and judge you for setting the limit. So have answers

ready (see p. 154 of STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS.) To keep yourself calm,

keep in mind that whatever he says is most likely how he feels about

himself. Looked at in that way, listening to what's really behind the

mask can help you understand your partner. Do not let someone with a

mental disorder define you. Remind yourself that limits are for his

benefit, too.

_________

Shielding Yourself with PUVAS

This technique can be used to respond to a borderline who is projecting,

accusing, being overly blaming or critical, or who is making

unreasonable demands. You can find the information in STOP WALKING ON

EGGSHELLS, but the publisher felt strongly that we should leave the

acronym out of the book. Yet we have found that many non-BPs use it and,

with practice, remember it over time.

One of the authors of this booklet was once challenged to use PUVAS with

the BP in her life. The attack came on so suddenly that she was taken

aback and could only manage to say, " You can't talk to me like that, "

and, " Why are you saying that? "

This only made the BP angrier because he was not feeling heard. So he

became more insistent and louder. Suddenly there was a distraction and

the non-BP was able to get her thoughts together. When the discussion

resumed, she began with the PUV and the BP calmed down right away. PUVAS

stands for:

· Pay attention

· Understand fully

· Validate the BP's emotions

· Assert yourself with " My Reality Statement "

· Shift responsibility for the BPs feelings and actions back to the BP.

To simplify PUVAS, look at it in two steps: the PUV, which is for the

BP, and the AS, which addresses your needs. The steps must be done in

the right order, and none of them should be skipped. PUVAS cannot be

attempted if the BP is raging out of control; see chapter 8 of STOP

WALKING ON EGGSHELLS.

* Pay attention: When it is your turn to listen, really listen. Don't

think about what you are going to say. Do not become defensive and tune

out the borderline, even if they are accusing you of things you never

did or said. You will have the chance to address this later.

This will accomplish two things: it will help you validate the BP's

feelings, and it will assist you in detecting emotions that may lie

beneath the surface.

* Understand fully: Make sure you gently challenge any vague

generalizations you don't understand. Ask the BP to elaborate. Ask them

to be specific without sounding like you are grilling them. Your goal is

to find out exactly what is causing problems for them and to help them

see that words like " always " or " never " may be misperceptions. Again,

don't defend yourself.

* Validate the BP's emotions: Your partner's feelings may not make sense

in your world, but they do make sense in their world. In this case, find

the nugget of gold in the cup of sand and respond affirmatively to this,

even if all you can say is " I understand that you feel (repeat the

feeling here). "

Do not judge the feelings, deny them, trivialize them, or discuss

whether you think they are " justified. " Ask the BP if your perceptions

are correct (they will not want to be told how they feel, even if you

think it is obvious), and show your partner that you are hearing their

emotions.

Avoid sounding patronizing or condescending, or the BP may get enraged

if you do not sound like you are taking their concerns seriously.

* Assert yourself with " My Reality Statements " Some reality statements

will be factual, e.g., " When I said that I smelled something

burning, I wasn't commenting on your cooking. I was just noticing a

burning odor. "

Some reality statements will reflect your opinions: " I don't believe

that wanting to see a movie with friends is selfish. I think that even

when two people are married, it's good for them both to have other

friends and pursue their own interests. "

Naturally, your partner will most likely have a different opinion on

what you meant or the place of friends in a marriage. Don't debate. Just

reiterate what you believe and accept that you and the BP will disagree

on this matter. You don't have to agree on everything.

You may decide to negotiate--go out with your friends on certain days

and not others. Or you may be firm and unwilling to compromise. Don't

explain or leave openings your partner can jump into. Say, " This is what

I need. I understand you or someone else might feel differently, but

we're not all the same, and this is what I need in this relationship. "

See chapters 7 and 8 in STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS for additional

information.

* Shift (or share) responsibility for the BP's feelings and actions back

to the BP: You can let them know that you can support them, but they are

ultimately the only person who can make themselves feel better.

Don't Expect Miracles

In STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS, we stressed that asking your partner to

change their actions is one thing, and that asking them to be happy

about it is another. Will our imaginary jobless BP jump up, hug his

girlfriend, and say exuberantly, " Thank you, thank you for getting me

off this couch and into the workforce! "

Dream on.

But we shouldn't expect him to. Are you happy about having to learn a

new way of setting limits, communicating, and having to decide between

confrontation and unhappiness at the way things are? Probably not. It's

hard. It takes practice. It takes unlearning old ways and learning new,

scary ones. But don't let that stop you. Expect it. Don't take your

discomfort or his reactions as a guide of " failure " or " success. "

Things take time.

Think back to when you first moved out of your parents' home. What if

you had moved back home and stayed forever at your first mistake--the

wrong apartment, the wrong roommate, too much credit card debt, your

first " F " in college--whatever?

(From Love and Loathing: Protecting Your Mental Health and Legal Rights

When Your Partner has BPD by Kim and Randi Kreger, only

available by calling 1-888-35-SHELL. This booklet is NOT AVAILABLE IN

BOOKSTORES, AMAZON.COM, OR ANYWHERE ELSE EXCEPT .)

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