Bits 'n Pieces...

[Guest guest]

Kim wrote:

" (I am about to hit send and I am becoming even more CHICKEN!)

First let me say thanks so much for all of the help you have offered to

me through postings. (I hope I make some sense, though it probably

sounds funny, cause I have had to hop out of this chair at least 7 times

while writing and I refuse to read this, I cannot do it yet)... "

Hi Kim,

The above reminds me of what I was like 7 years ago. For the first

several months on the original Oasis list for KOs, I chickened out and

sent half the posts I wrote back to myself. If it wasn't for Randi's

kindness in answering my emails when I first found the original

WelcomeToOz list, I'd probably be still stuck in Oz.

Recovery has been a long slow process for me. Some of that was probably

due to my age plus there was no KO ahead of me on the path to guide my

way and nothing to read about BPD. Some of the KOs on the original Oasis

list were BPs. I withdrew from that list once soon after I joined

because I couldn't handle one of the BP KO's confrontations. But I went

back. It took courage, just like its now taking courage for you, Kay and

the other newbies on this list to post here. This stuff that the KOs are

posting about were the " family secrets " (see Bradshaw's book titled The

Family) in our FOOs and that we weren't supposed to tell anyone about.

But that's all behind me now. And then I see and Hania and so many

others here making huge strides on the recovery path.

One of Dan's posts this am brought back a memory. He wrote about his

mother, " She has always put herself in the place of God. By the age of

4 or 5 I started to realize how wrong this is. The tenderest part of

me, the part of my personality laid down before that age, is still

captive in that prison and I can't reach in to help. " Dan, this is

exactly how it was for me. And, from being on the list and reading

everything that was available about BPD, I was finally able to open the

door and walk out. Its like that door to that prison is now permanently

shut, never to be opened again.

I don't think I went through an anger stage in my recovery?? Perhaps

because my nada had already died?? Its like I was born old and had lots

of compassion for those who were 'different' -- including my nada. I was

enlisted early by her as her caretaker. She had a very painful kidney

problem during the first 7 years of my life until she consented to the

surgery to have it removed. I think that, in the process of taking care

of her during those years, the good part of me, my idealism, was somehow

twisted into serving as her enabler (ie, co-dependent). And subsequently

it felt comfortable to marry into the same dysfunction. As a parent, my

worst trait was that I was overcontrolling. But I did change and my kids

and I have since forgiven mySelf. I liked M.R.'s post this am about

reconciliation and forgiveness. And this is how we KOs learn, by reading

and profiting from what other KOs write.

As I've mentioned before, I'm one of the moderators on all the 24 or so

active WelcomeToOz lists and I read lots of emails every day --

including those from the siblings and from the NonBP mothers of BPs. It

was heart-wrenching to read the posts from the mother of a teen-age BP

when she wrote on December the 24th:

" I got a collect call from my missing daughter today, but she hung up

the phone after I accepted the charges. At least I know she's alive.

The best Christmas gift I could get. Bless all of you wonderful people

on this list. "

And on the 26th she wrote:

" I am reeling. My daughter is coming home tomorrow. On Greyhound.

Sick, strung out (but 5 day sober), homesick, sorry (but we've been

there before), hungry and tired. One day at a time. Miracles, even

everyday ones, do happen. "

And on the 27th she wrote:

" Thanks to all of you for your kind thoughts. She's home and fast

asleep already. It's been a long day, but a good one. We picked her up

and took her straight to the doctor. She is a mess, but so glad to be

home. She's like a little girl (with a huge appetite - she's been

eating everything in sight). She's been polite, loving, clingy and told

me over and over that it was the fact she knew we loved her that made

her want to come home. Many huge infected sores (big lumpy ones) in her

armpits, legs - everywhere. Needle marks, dirty (all she wanted was to

take a shower - she is usually so clean) malnourished and with two brand

new, very ugly tatoos. She cut off her hair and it's only about 1 " all

over except for these two long pieces on either side of her face.

The doctor put her on 3 MAJOR antibiotics because we don't know yet

exactly what we're dealing with. She has another appointment on Monday

and they will have some of the blood work back. She was tested for Hep

A, B, and C, every STD you can think of, a CBC, HIV - took 4 tubes of

blood.

" She will also, depending upon her medical state, have to appear at in

juvenile court either Monday or as soon as possible since there was a

warrant out for her - stolen check, probation violation, bank fraud,

etc. She will most likely be taken into custody as soon as she gives

her statements to the detectives. We know she needs both consequences

AND help - the trick will be to make both happen. She cried and cried

this afternoon but admitted over and over that this was all her own

fault, that she brought it on herself - if only we could keep her

understanding that, but we've been there done that and when things get

better she forgets how awful it was. Bits and pieces of a horrific and

terrifying existence on the streets have come out from time to time - I

just listen and hug her. No lectures. No judgment. One day at a

time. "

Edith here. I can't help but think that this girl will someday be

someone's mother. And I also think of what my grandparents must have

gone through with my nada before they handed her over to my father when

she was 20 yo and they got married.

Thank goodness people are now becoming aware of this terrible mental

illness and can do something about it. And, I'm very grateful that I

never had BPD.

Hugs,

- Edith

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