Memories...

[Guest guest]

Hi KOs,

When I was 20 yo I moved from Michigan to California to get away from my

mother. I went as far west as I could go without falling in the ocean.

But, a few years later she and dad followed me! And, like I thought a

dutiful daughter should, I helped dad take care of her (I was

parentified) until she died in 1984. Phew!! When she died it was like a

ton of weight had been lifted from dad's and my shoulders. But she still

lived on, rent-free in my head, for another 12 years!

There was no BPD diagnosis in those days but things have been slowly

changing. BPD was first admitted into the DSM in 1980, Kreisman's book

" I Hate You -- Don't Leave Me " appeared in 1989, and I met Randi in

January '96 on the Internet with her first NonBP WelcomeToOz list with a

dozen NonBPs on board. Randi had a book in her head which now is

available for all -- SWOE! What a lifesaver that has been! Over the

years I've worn out a couple of copies and have most of SWOE memorized

now.

Chapters 1-4 of SWOE are about Understanding BPD Behavior and how it

affects NonBPs. Chapters 5 through 9 are about taking back control of

one's life. And, chapters 10-12 are about special issues. So, if you've

read SWOE and you're the offspring of a BP parent, the next book to read

is Ann Lawson's " Understanding The Borderline Mother. "

Lawson sees BP mothers as falling into four categories -- waifs,

hermits, queens, and witches. My mother, with both BPD and NPD

(narcissistic PD) traits, was a witch/queen combo. Below are some

excerpts from her book, " Understanding the Borderline Mother " , by

Ann Lawson.

____________

" The Witch's children may feel disconnected from life, internally dead,

" trapped in a world of total domination, a world hostile to life and any

sign of dignity or resistance " (Des Pres 1976, p. 13). The human spirit

does not die as easily as the body. It shrivels slowly, like a plant

deprived of water, and eventually succumbs from a " relentless assault on

the survivor's sense of Purity and worth " (p. 60). The body becomes a

cumbersome shell, the mind a wasteland, the eyes a mirror reflecting the

vanquished will. The human being becomes a human doing; the being no

longer exists. " (page 271-2)

" ...Merger-hungry personalities such as the borderline Witch desire

complete control over their children... " (page 272)

" Witch mothers do not recognize their behavior as destructive;

consequently, they are defensive when therapists confront or report

their abusive behavior. Medean Mothers may believe the child is better

off dead because the child is spared further suffering... "

" Children have faith in their parents and believe in their greater

wisdom. No child wants to believe that their mother is capable of

brutality. Alice (1984) explains that both parent and child come

to believe that such treatment is for the child's own good... "

" ...Young children need to believe that their mother knows what is right

and good. Their trust and loyalty are truly blind, for they have no

other experience by which to assess her judgment. They believe in her

basic goodness, more so than they believe in their own goodness. It is

safer to accept the view that they are evil than to consider the

consequences if mother is evil. " (page 274)

" ...Degradation by someone who claims to love you is qualitatively

different than degradation by a stranger. ...The Witch's children cannot

afford to live with hate. "

" Although the Witch is capable of evoking murderous rage, the key to

survival lies in *disarming*, not attacking her. ...the Witch's adult

children must free themselves by using the power they already possess. "

(page 276)

" Disaster is certain to follow any attempt to control the Witch... the

Witch is terrified of not being in control, adult children must respect

her right to control her own life. " (page 279)

" The Witch's adult children need to respond to her domination with firm

resistance. Adults must not submit to the Witch's demands and should

exert control only over their own behavior... "

" ...Firmness demonstrates strength of character, domination demonstrates

underlying fear. " (page 280)

" ...The Witch is trapped within her self-constructed cage of

self-hatred. Inflicting pain on such a tortured soul is pointless. Her

children must transcend their hatred by holding on to the belief in

their own goodness. Children who seek revenge destroy their good

selves. " (page 282)

" The Witch's adult children need to create distance in three separate

realms of their being: spiritually, physically, and emotionally... [They

must] stand in the light of their own basic goodness, displayilng

strength and character by doing no harm. "

" Adult children can create emotional distance by not confiding in the

Witch. No one should trust a Witch. The Witch uses the words of others

in order to beguile and control.... " (page 283)

" ...the Witch's children instinctively know not to reveal their true

selves, their desires, feelings, or opinions to their mother... " (page

284)

" Many adult female children create emotional distance by avoiding being

like the Witch in any way. They despise those parts of themselves that

remind them of her. They may undergo cosmetic surgery to change physical

features that remind them of their mother, and may avoid becoming a

mother at all. The word " mother " may mean " witch " to the Witch's

children. "

" Structuring a relationship with the Witch requires one basic

requirement: ZERO TOLERANCE. When the Witch appears, the adult child

must leave, hang up, terminate the interaction. No borderline mother is

always a Witch, and some borderline mothers are never Witches. But when

the Witch appears adult children must distance themselves immediately

and completely... "

" Reflecting on their childhood, adult children of borderline Witches

feel as though they passed through Dante's gates of hell, over which was

written, " Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here. " Cruelty endured from

one's mother is unlike any other. The child may repress rage, direct it

at the self, or direct it at those who represent the mother. Frequently,

internalized rage takes a toll on the child's body, possibly

contributing to autoimmune disorders and other physical ailments.... The

body speaks for the soul if the soul does not find a voice. " (page 289)

" Pain that is expressed, heard, and believed is not experienced in vain.

Pain that is heard can then be tolerated and healed. (page 290)

And, finally:

" The Witch's children grow up. They learn to speak; they remember the

truth. Some may remain silent forever, protecting themselves from the

unendurable horror of telling the truth that no one believes. Those who

speak find that very few people are prepared to hear what they have to

say. " (page 290)

__________

- Edith

One of the moderators/facilitators: WelcomeToOz Family of NonBP Email

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