Re: I could use some encouragement....

January 30, 2003

Christy, good luck is all I can say. Refuse to be drawn into

conversations which are negative for you. Remember you can always leave

- the room or the party.

Do what is best for you and let everyone else do what's best for them.

Ilene

Christy wrote:

> Hi all....

> I guess I am asking for a " sis, boom, ba " -type of cheerleading! ha.

>

> I am attending my nada's 70th birthday on Saturday and am very

> stressed about it. This will be the first time I've seen her since her

> rage in my home on Dec 15. I am basically doing it for my sister (it's

> just me and my sister in the family- no bros)and to keep peace in the

> family- ha, again. It's probably not a good thing to be doing it for

> this reason, but I keep telling myself that it will be over soon and I

> can get back to my peaceful life.

>

> My two sons (21 and 25) do not want to attend and I certainly support

> whatever decisions they make- duh, they are healthy adults!.... But- I

> will be blamed, as always- " you have turned them against me- You have

> made them hate me! " I know this isn't true but she will take no

> responsibility for anything negative in her life- real or imagined.

>

> Anyway- any ideas, besides drugs ( " ha " for the 3rd and last time!), to

> help with this situation?

>

> Also- she is having a tremendously difficult time getting older- that

> part is sad but there is nothing I can do about it.

>

> Thanks and take care,

> Christy

>

January 30, 2003

Hi, Christy,

I haven't posted in a while, but I pop in on occasion to read the

postings and see how everyone is getting along. Your message

sounded so much like me, I had to tell you that you're not alone.

My nada is 71 and I went through the same kind of thing about a year

ago. That is the day I found out about BPD. My nada raged at me on

her 70th b'day, although she never rages if there is more than one

person in the room. As an only child (my nada is a widow), I am

usually the target. Although I tried to talk to her, she refused to

talk to me for a month (over Christmas). I knew I was getting

healthier when I started to look at it as a vacation (lol). Well,

when she refused to come for Christmas and no one begged her or

apologized for something they didn't do (my specialty in the past),

and she ended up spending Christmas alone, she finally came to her

senses and apologized (to the best of her ability, which was to

blame it on some medication she was taking). When she called, I

accepted her explanation, but I made a point of telling her I

wouldn't put up with her screaming at me any more. Guess what!!!

She hasn't raged at me since! However, her dog developed colitis

about 6 months ago - coincidence? I think not! But I know exactly

what you are feeling. The first time we visited her after that

rage, my stomach was tied in knots for 2 weeks before. She acted

kind of sheepish at first, but when she found out we weren't going

to return evil for evil, she started to relax. So, your nada will

probably act like nothing ever happened, especially if there are

others around to witness her behavior. If she starts in on you, you

have the power to turn around and leave - USE IT. After reading the

SWOE workbook, I finally identified my biggest fear. I was

terrified that I would once again be trapped, as I was when I was a

child, and have to absorb my mother's rages. I hadn't realized at

the age of 47, that I had the power to walk away. I haven't had to

use it yet, but I hope I'm strong enough to do it when the time

comes. As far as your sons are concerned, tell nada that they are

adults who make their own decisions. If she has a problem with

them, let her take it up with them. Chances are, she'll drop it,

but if she does confront them, it's a good time for them to learn to

stand up for themselves. I've found out with my own children, being

removed one generation takes most of the power out of nada's grasp.

Your nada has taught you all your life, as did mine and everyone

else's on this list, that you have no power over how she treats

you. The fact is, you cannot control her behavior, but you are in

charge of how much of it you are willing to put up with. If you and

your sister can provide a united front and stick together, you can

do an even better job of taking care of youselves (btw, it's OK to

take care of yourself, it's even a good thing). Anyway, good luck,

and keep those car keys in your pocket! If there is a crowd, you

probably are afraid of creating a scene and having people think

badly of you for " ruining " your " dear " nada's party. Sometimes, you

can't worry about what people think of you because you have to worry

about your own survival. I believe that generally, people only

treat us as badly as we allow them to treat us, nadas included. I

would never allow anyone else to treat me the way my nada has

treated me all my life, and it took me 47 years to put a stop to

it. I ain't there yet, but I'm seeing the light at the end of the

tunnel.

Hugs and " Rah, rah, sis, boom, bah " to you,

Joy

> Hi all....

> I guess I am asking for a " sis, boom, ba " -type of cheerleading! ha.

>

> I am attending my nada's 70th birthday on Saturday and am very

stressed about it. This will be the first time I've seen her since

her rage in my home on Dec 15. I am basically doing it for my sister

(it's just me and my sister in the family- no bros)and to keep peace

in the family- ha, again. It's probably not a good thing to be doing

it for this reason, but I keep telling myself that it will be over

soon and I can get back to my peaceful life.

>

> My two sons (21 and 25) do not want to attend and I certainly

support whatever decisions they make- duh, they are healthy

adults!.... But- I will be blamed, as always- " you have turned them

against me- You have made them hate me! " I know this isn't true but

she will take no responsibility for anything negative in her life-

real or imagined.

>

> Anyway- any ideas, besides drugs ( " ha " for the 3rd and last

time!), to help with this situation?

>

> Also- she is having a tremendously difficult time getting older-

that part is sad but there is nothing I can do about it.

>

> Thanks and take care,

> Christy

>

January 30, 2003

Hi Christy!

What a mess, huh? Hopefully things will go well during your brief

engagement with nada.

One of the most difficult things to do is setting boundaries, and even

worse is dealing with the repercussions, which are never nice at first.

Up until now, everything in your life has been about nada, and Her

needs, and Her feelings, and Her likes, and Her dislikes, and Her ideas,

and Her everything. What's most important is YOU and Your needs, and

Your feelings, and Your likes, and Your dislikes, and Your ideas!

Without boundaries, everything is about nada. Boundaries keep YOU at

center stage.

There's no obligation on your part to attend nada's birthday party, and

there's no reason to suffer through the ordeal to " keep the peace " . To

do so is to honor nada's wishes, not your own. We at this list are a

very SELFish lot. We want only what's good for OurSELF!

I've gone through the full gamut of being blamed for turning my children

against nada also. After tons of blame and shame, I finally realized

that she can think what she wants, because I'm not responsible for how

she chooses to view the world around her. I know the truth, and that's

all that matters. It's not easy to accept this at first, but with lots

of practice and encouragement, it's possible. Anything is

possible!

This is really tough stuff, Christy, but we're here to cheer you on,

step by step, as you grow and heal. You're well on your way already.

Stay strong!

SmileS!

Carol

Christy wrote:

>

> Hi all....

> I guess I am asking for a " sis, boom, ba " -type of cheerleading! ha.

>

> I am attending my nada's 70th birthday on Saturday and am very stressed about

it. This will be the first time I've seen her since her rage in my home on Dec

15. I am basically doing it for my sister (it's just me and my sister in the

family- no bros)and to keep peace in the family- ha, again. It's probably not a

good thing to be doing it for this reason, but I keep telling myself that it

will be over soon and I can get back to my peaceful life.

>

> My two sons (21 and 25) do not want to attend and I certainly support whatever

decisions they make- duh, they are healthy adults!.... But- I will be blamed, as

always- " you have turned them against me- You have made them hate me! " I know

this isn't true but she will take no responsibility for anything negative in her

life- real or imagined.

>

> Anyway- any ideas, besides drugs ( " ha " for the 3rd and last time!), to help

with this situation?

>

> Also- she is having a tremendously difficult time getting older- that part is

sad but there is nothing I can do about it.

January 30, 2003

Christy wrote (about attending her mother's party):

> Anyway- any ideas, besides drugs ( " ha " for the 3rd and last

> time!), to help with this situation?

My only suggestion is to keep the time as short as possible

and make sure you have a way to exit at a moment's notice,

either in your own car, walk, take a cab -- whatever will

get you out of there if you need to protect yourself. When

I leave at the first sign of trouble, while I am still calm

and under control, I feel much better than if I succumb to

the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) and stay longer.

Good luck surviving the party. It's never too late to change

your mind and not attend if you don't feel up to it. Only you

can decide what is best for you.

Marjorie in Oregon

ahimsa@...

Free your books! See books I've set free at:

http://bookcrossing.com/referral/ahimsa

January 30, 2003

Hi Christy! Sorry to hear about your upcoming soiree - how stressfull! Like

you, I too agreed to go to a party where my nada was attending (not the

guest of honor) but still very stressfull for me. I lamented back and forth

about going, but decided to go since alot of my relatives would be there and

I could use the opportunity to (1) introduce my new baby without having to

go to each of their houses individually (yikes!) and (2) Just by being

myself (friendly & easygoing) to dispell some of my nada's apparently very

convincing smear campaign. (the root of which is that I went crazy in the

hospital after having my baby - huh? Wouldn't my doctor, my husband, my

in-laws, or my friends have noticed?? mmmmmmm.....okay!) I also reminded

myself over and over that I could leave at anytime and informed my hostess

that I would if I needed to. It turned out okay since my nada doesn't like

to look bad in groups - we had polite, limited contact. (of course she

still found negative things to say during and after) but at least this time

alot of people she was trying to convince where there and could see that

none of her complaints had merit. Anyway, good luck, I know you'll be fine,

and remember that you have the right to take care of yourself - even it

means making a quick exit if necessary - or not going at all. Take Care!!!

JB

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January 30, 2003