Guest guest Posted December 23, 2002 Report Share Posted December 23, 2002 This sounds so wonderful. How did you tell your nada this? For a long time I thought I could deal with this and remain detached emotionally, (Yea right) but my nada is right, it is escalating. did you tell your nada...and if so what did you say? Or did you just walk away? My fear is that if I tell her I'm going to get more emails like the last one and that was mild. Plus I am well trained by her to feel responsible for her needs. I realize this is something I have to work on. It was comforting to hear you guys say that I wasn't responsible for my nada, even after the implied threats of suicide, taking too much xanax etc. Like I said I'm well trained. I don't know how I would handle the guilt emotionally if something did happen. These are baby steps for me. Some Hope I have some hope to share, about separating from nada, and other bp family members. It has been a year since I first found this list. UBM, SWOE and Boundaries are my bibles. I have only seen nada once in the past year, and I was not alone with her. I have had phone conversations with her, and when it was clear that she was setting me up, I did not show up for the discussed event. She has split me " no good " since my father's death in Aug 2001, because I helped him pass on and get away from her. This year, I am very much alone, but a lot stronger, and a lot more savvy about borderline mothers and siblings. I'm not having any of it anymore. I walked away from the game, the distortion campaigns, the projection bingo, all of it. For the first time in more than 20 years, I am singing on Christmas Eve in a choir. And I don't have to worry about nada in the audience, and I don't have to do it for her, so she can feel good about herself through my talent and ability. I stopped singing and performing a long time ago. Now it is for me, and for God. And I have three places to go on Christmas, and none of them are with toxic family. The universe is guiding me, and it is a miracle. I am 42 years old and I think I finally escaped my witch bpd/npd mother and sister. I have to say it tentatively and quietly so I don't jinx it (big flea), but I really think all this hard work is starting to pay off a tiny bit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 23, 2002 Report Share Posted December 23, 2002 This sounds so wonderful. How did you tell your nada this? For a long time I thought I could deal with this and remain detached emotionally, (Yea right) but my nada is right, it is escalating. did you tell your nada...and if so what did you say? Or did you just walk away? My fear is that if I tell her I'm going to get more emails like the last one and that was mild. Plus I am well trained by her to feel responsible for her needs. I realize this is something I have to work on. It was comforting to hear you guys say that I wasn't responsible for my nada, even after the implied threats of suicide, taking too much xanax etc. Like I said I'm well trained. I don't know how I would handle the guilt emotionally if something did happen. These are baby steps for me. Some Hope I have some hope to share, about separating from nada, and other bp family members. It has been a year since I first found this list. UBM, SWOE and Boundaries are my bibles. I have only seen nada once in the past year, and I was not alone with her. I have had phone conversations with her, and when it was clear that she was setting me up, I did not show up for the discussed event. She has split me " no good " since my father's death in Aug 2001, because I helped him pass on and get away from her. This year, I am very much alone, but a lot stronger, and a lot more savvy about borderline mothers and siblings. I'm not having any of it anymore. I walked away from the game, the distortion campaigns, the projection bingo, all of it. For the first time in more than 20 years, I am singing on Christmas Eve in a choir. And I don't have to worry about nada in the audience, and I don't have to do it for her, so she can feel good about herself through my talent and ability. I stopped singing and performing a long time ago. Now it is for me, and for God. And I have three places to go on Christmas, and none of them are with toxic family. The universe is guiding me, and it is a miracle. I am 42 years old and I think I finally escaped my witch bpd/npd mother and sister. I have to say it tentatively and quietly so I don't jinx it (big flea), but I really think all this hard work is starting to pay off a tiny bit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 23, 2002 Report Share Posted December 23, 2002 Sounds like life is good...Merry Christmas and Happy New year! Ilene tiaraflower@... wrote: > I have some hope to share, about separating from nada, and other bp > family > members. It has been a year since I first found this list. UBM, > SWOE and > Boundaries are my bibles. I have only seen nada once in the past > year, and I > was not alone with her. I have had phone conversations with her, and > when it was clear that she was setting me up, I did not show up for the > discussed event. She has split me " no good " since my father's death > in Aug > 2001, because I helped him pass on and get away from her. This > year, I > am very much alone, but a lot stronger, and a lot more savvy about > borderline > mothers and siblings. I'm not having any of it anymore. I walked > away from > the game, the distortion campaigns, the projection bingo, all of it. > > For the first time in more than 20 years, I am singing on Christmas > Eve in a > choir. And I don't have to worry about nada in the audience, and I don't > have to do it for her, so she can feel good about herself through my > talent > and ability. I stopped singing and performing a long time ago. Now > it is > for me, and for God. And I have three places to go on Christmas, and > none of > them are with toxic family. The universe is guiding me, and it is a > miracle. > I am 42 years old and I think I finally escaped my witch bpd/npd > mother and > sister. I have to say it tentatively and quietly so I don't jinx it (big > flea), but I really think all this hard work is starting to pay off a > tiny > bit. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 23, 2002 Report Share Posted December 23, 2002 Sounds like life is good...Merry Christmas and Happy New year! Ilene tiaraflower@... wrote: > I have some hope to share, about separating from nada, and other bp > family > members. It has been a year since I first found this list. UBM, > SWOE and > Boundaries are my bibles. I have only seen nada once in the past > year, and I > was not alone with her. I have had phone conversations with her, and > when it was clear that she was setting me up, I did not show up for the > discussed event. She has split me " no good " since my father's death > in Aug > 2001, because I helped him pass on and get away from her. This > year, I > am very much alone, but a lot stronger, and a lot more savvy about > borderline > mothers and siblings. I'm not having any of it anymore. I walked > away from > the game, the distortion campaigns, the projection bingo, all of it. > > For the first time in more than 20 years, I am singing on Christmas > Eve in a > choir. And I don't have to worry about nada in the audience, and I don't > have to do it for her, so she can feel good about herself through my > talent > and ability. I stopped singing and performing a long time ago. Now > it is > for me, and for God. And I have three places to go on Christmas, and > none of > them are with toxic family. The universe is guiding me, and it is a > miracle. > I am 42 years old and I think I finally escaped my witch bpd/npd > mother and > sister. I have to say it tentatively and quietly so I don't jinx it (big > flea), but I really think all this hard work is starting to pay off a > tiny > bit. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 23, 2002 Report Share Posted December 23, 2002 You don't have to read the emails! Most suicide threats are just that...threats to get attention and to control you - the minute you call 911 and the police arrive I'd bet she doesn't do it again! Mine tried that too...and I finally realized it was abuse...and it wasn't healthy for me... tell her if she wants to commit suicide to call the suicide hotline for help..of course she'll get mad, but what's new? Ask yourself what she wants you to do and then do the opposite - it'll become a habit sooner or later and help you to control your reactions to her chain-yanking. Btw, after the initial excalation the BPs seem to settle down...mine isn't quite as bad...I think 2 yrs of silence scared her some. Ilene hnjstaff@... wrote: > This sounds so wonderful. How did you tell your nada this? For a > long time I thought I could deal with this and remain detached > emotionally, (Yea right) but my nada is right, it is escalating. > > did you tell your nada...and if so what did you say? Or did you just > walk away? My fear is that if I tell her I'm going to get more emails > like the last one and that was mild. Plus I am well trained by her to > feel responsible for her needs. I realize this is something I have to > work on. It was comforting to hear you guys say that I wasn't > responsible for my nada, even after the implied threats of suicide, > taking too much xanax etc. Like I said I'm well trained. I don't > know how I would handle the guilt emotionally if something did > happen. These are baby steps for me. > > > > > Some Hope > > > I have some hope to share, about separating from nada, and other bp > family > members. It has been a year since I first found this list. UBM, > SWOE and > Boundaries are my bibles. I have only seen nada once in the past > year, and I > was not alone with her. I have had phone conversations with > her, and > when it was clear that she was setting me up, I did not show up for > the > discussed event. She has split me " no good " since my father's > death in Aug > 2001, because I helped him pass on and get away from her. This > year, I > am very much alone, but a lot stronger, and a lot more savvy about > borderline > mothers and siblings. I'm not having any of it anymore. I walked > away from > the game, the distortion campaigns, the projection bingo, all of it. > > For the first time in more than 20 years, I am singing on Christmas > Eve in a > choir. And I don't have to worry about nada in the audience, and I > don't > have to do it for her, so she can feel good about herself through my > talent > and ability. I stopped singing and performing a long time ago. Now > it is > for me, and for God. And I have three places to go on Christmas, > and none of > them are with toxic family. The universe is guiding me, and it is a > miracle. > I am 42 years old and I think I finally escaped my witch bpd/npd > mother and > sister. I have to say it tentatively and quietly so I don't jinx it > (big > flea), but I really think all this hard work is starting to pay off > a tiny > bit. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 24, 2002 Report Share Posted December 24, 2002 Woo! Hoo! You go, girl! Where nada ends, life begins! SmileS! Carol tiaraflower@... wrote: > > I have some hope to share, about separating from nada, and other bp family > members. It has been a year since I first found this list. UBM, SWOE and > Boundaries are my bibles. I have only seen nada once in the past year, and I > was not alone with her. I have had phone conversations with her, and > when it was clear that she was setting me up, I did not show up for the > discussed event. She has split me " no good " since my father's death in Aug > 2001, because I helped him pass on and get away from her. This year, I > am very much alone, but a lot stronger, and a lot more savvy about borderline > mothers and siblings. I'm not having any of it anymore. I walked away from > the game, the distortion campaigns, the projection bingo, all of it. > > For the first time in more than 20 years, I am singing on Christmas Eve in a > choir. And I don't have to worry about nada in the audience, and I don't > have to do it for her, so she can feel good about herself through my talent > and ability. I stopped singing and performing a long time ago. Now it is > for me, and for God. And I have three places to go on Christmas, and none of > them are with toxic family. The universe is guiding me, and it is a miracle. > I am 42 years old and I think I finally escaped my witch bpd/npd mother and > sister. I have to say it tentatively and quietly so I don't jinx it (big > flea), but I really think all this hard work is starting to pay off a tiny > bit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 24, 2002 Report Share Posted December 24, 2002 Hi Hania-- I didn't really tell my nada anything. From reading UBM, I know that it is kind of pointless to tell a borderline mother anything about my feelings, she just cannot or will not hear it. I also know from reading this book called The Gift of Fear, that many stalkers/perpetrators/abusers want to keep you engaged, connected, so the supply of your fear is always there for them, and that is how they thrive. So I have been letting my actions do the talking. And I have not acted-- no letters, no calls, no return calls when I got messages from her waify persona on my machine, no discussion about feeling etc..... I have completely eliminated her ability to gain access to me. Also, I don't think it hurt that last Christmas after my witch BPD sister assaulted my nephew, and after watching this physical and emotional abuse go on for 4 years, I kind of snapped and called child protective services. I know she knows that I was the one, because I am the only one who has ever stuck up for them, and I sent them all a that book Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, when I finally realized I had been verbally abused my whole life by my family. And I didn't know that they really just didn't care, and I didn't have Al-Anon at the time. I thought that when I sent them the book, that the healing and love would begin. Boy was I ever wrong. I was the scapegoat in the family, my mothers target for all her rage and I saw it happening again in the next generation of my family and I couldn't take it anymore. So, in the aftermath, being split eternally bad has kind of worked for me. And I didn't show up for Thanksgiving when my mother put in some little digs on the phone about the fact that I had gained weight. I just said, " F- it, I can't deal with this anymore. " And I didn't show up, and so I really, really am a very bad daughter. Works for me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 24, 2002 Report Share Posted December 24, 2002 I can relate about the nursing home situation. It was pretty much the same with my fada, though my nada did show up and really has been devastated by the whole experience. Though she did seem to make sure that everything was in her name and that he obtained rightful ownership of some property and had to go to court about it when he was going to chemo, because she wouldn't leave him alone. And she was merciless to him in some ways, as she verbally abused him when he came home from chemotherapy. Now she has that additional property as rental income. A couple of days after my fada's memorial service, she kicked my homeless bipolar sister out of her house, and my sister lived in a shelter for a year, while my nada is racking up the coin from her rental income. A True Nada-- not available, don't ask. And if she does deign to help you, you can be sure to be split bad right after the act of her benevolence, and you will hear about it the rest of your life. If I sound a little bitter, I guess I am. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 24, 2002 Report Share Posted December 24, 2002 Sounds to me like you are the good one and they are the bad ones! Yay for you for trying to help your nephew (did CPS do anything, btw?).! Happy Holidays this year to you the SMART ONE! Ilene tiaraflower@... wrote: > Hi Hania-- > > I didn't really tell my nada anything. From reading UBM, I know that > it is > kind of pointless to tell a borderline mother anything about my > feelings, she > just cannot or will not hear it. I also know from reading this book > called > The Gift of Fear, that many stalkers/perpetrators/abusers want to keep > you > engaged, connected, so the supply of your fear is always there for > them, and > that is how they thrive. So I have been letting my actions do the > talking. > And I have not acted-- no letters, no calls, no return calls when I got > messages from her waify persona on my machine, no discussion about > feeling > etc..... I have completely eliminated her ability to gain access to me. > > Also, I don't think it hurt that last Christmas after my witch BPD sister > assaulted my nephew, and after watching this physical and emotional > abuse go > on for 4 years, I kind of snapped and called child protective > services. I > know she knows that I was the one, because I am the only one who has ever > stuck up for them, and I sent them all a that book Verbal Abuse Survivors > Speak Out, when I finally realized I had been verbally abused my whole > life > by my family. And I didn't know that they really just didn't care, and I > didn't have Al-Anon at the time. I thought that when I sent them the > book, > that the healing and love would begin. Boy was I ever wrong. > > I was the scapegoat in the family, my mothers target for all her rage > and I > saw it happening again in the next generation of my family and I couldn't > take it anymore. So, in the aftermath, being split eternally bad has > kind of > worked for me. And I didn't show up for Thanksgiving when my mother > put in > some little digs on the phone about the fact that I had gained weight. I > just said, " F- it, I can't deal with this anymore. " And I didn't > show up, > and so I really, really am a very bad daughter. Works for me! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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