OT Re: telling the truth

[Guest guest]

> >

> > Hi , hi all of you:

> >

> > I seem to agree with this. Telling the very truth is a double-

edged

> > tool. Some people are really unable to digest what you are

saying. If

> > I have to tell the hard truth to someone, I would rather try to

make

> > him or her realize it rather than show it to him or her directly.

And

> > if it is something serious, I will try to bring forth its funny

side

> > (everything has a funny side, so to say). And never sound too

> > accusatory. And always try to recognize my own part in the plot,

if

> > any.

> >

> > I think tact and compassion are in place when you are tackling

with

> > truth issues or old grudges.

> >

> > JC

>

> jose carlos, i really like your approach...i think that is a very

wise

> and patient approach...is it your approach or are you a product of

your

> brazilian culture...and thus that approach might be more common in

your

> particular culture? that is a very caring and compassionate

> approach...

** Hello, I wouldn't say this approach is typical of Brazilians or a

product of our *culture*. As a matter of fact, Brazilians can vary a

lot, from the rudest to the most thoughtful. I even don't know if I

am always like that. But that's the approach I have been trying to

embody - in my life. I think old age is teaching me not to take

things so dramatically, if you see what I mean. Also, I have been

learning a lot from my wife. Above all, she teaches me to be patient

and give people and myself a second chance. Always.

> but i don't think i would have the wisdom or patience to

> practice it. it sounds like a gift...that i don't have.

** Why not? First thing, I must say I am no role model, of course.

Nobody ought to look up to me, you know. I am still groping my way,

stumbling all the time. Second thing, you have shown me already that

you can be compassionate and wise. And I don't really find you to be

impatient. Impatient people rarely frequent these lists. So why not?

> humor...that is such a wonderful method, if the humorous thing to

say

> comes to you! (that doesn't come across as mocking or cruel.)

** If humour comes across as mocking or cruel, then it is irony or

sarcasm. Irony and sarcasm have their own place in polemics, I think,

but I usually don't like to rely on them - even lightly.

>

> in my 20's i hated to cook even then, but as a single person, that

may

> have been understandable. i worked mostly nights in a

restaurant...and

> so i would save up my appetite til late afternoon when i got there

and

> then eat everything in sight. i would order my entree and while i

was

> waiting, had soup, salad, bread...then the entree, and then dessert

and

> coffee. i was doing the warrior diet and never knew it!

>

> i loved my wiatressing job (met my husband there) and had plenty of

> energy for my shift...in fact i would take people's later shift and

> stay late for them. but, apparently most people ate breakfast and

> lunch...because they couldn't seem to believe how much i ate before

my

> shift. it was only natural to me...i hadn't eaten all day and

needed

> plenty of nourishment before my shift where i would be mostly

running

> around like a maniac for up to 9-10 h. some judgemental people

thought

> i was a real pig...and this got back to me of course. but one

waiter,

> who was my friend, and he was skinny, and i was probably a size 14

at

> the time but probably an attractive size 14 (i seemed to have no

> problem attracting men at the time) started calling

me 'Lux'...short

> for Electrolux, the vacuum cleaner. we were good friends and he

called

> me that in a sweet affectionate way and i didn't mind, i was used

to

> being teased all my life by family and friends, mostly males...but

he

> also told me (separately) that he liked to use humor (i think he

was a

> psychology major in college) to point things out to people about

> themselves to drive home the point rather than telling the truth

> directly and risk hurting their feelings. well, i knew some people

> thought i was a glutton...but i didn't care cuz this was how i

> functioned...didn't eat all day, pigged out before my shift and

then

> usually didn't eat before bed. but even his humor didn't change

> me ...because i didn't think i was doing anything wrong.

>

> people can be such jerks. the judgemental ones, who made me feel i

was

> a gluttonous pig. and they were few, thank God. they were usually

> negative people who didn't like most people anyway, and thus most

> people didn't like them either. i guess they are to be pitied

rather

> than hated...i guess i'm still working on that.

>

> anyway.

>

> thanks for that explanation jc...

>

> laura

** What an interesting testimony, ! For me, it shows that you

have in the first place a preoccupation with people, rather than say

with money, job, sex, whatever. Empathy is a keyword for you. You

want to spot a connection with people, and you want to be liked as

well. That is natural for you. Maybe you still find the sensation of

being rejected too painful. Maybe some of them are not really

rejecting you. Maybe they want to approach you, but find that to

reach you they have to use an indirect clumsy way. Just a thought,

. Hope you don't take it amiss. Hope you didn't feel too exposed

here now.

My friendship to you,

JC