Theater of the Absurd: the Kidney Edition

[Guest guest]

In keeping with my recent resolution to eat more organ meats for health

purposes, I bought a grass-fed beef kidney a week or so ago, and today I

decided to try it. I partially defrosted it and began preparing it in

accordance with the simple instructions in _Innards and Other Variety

Meats_. So you can follow along, here they are.

>Step 1: Cleaning

>

>Remove outside membrane from all kidneys with a sharp, pointed

>knife. Split beef or pork kidneys in half lengthwise and remove white

>core and excess fat from center with a sharp knife; this is not necessary

>for lamb or veal kidneys. Any fat surrounding the kidneys should be

>reserved for later use; this is true suet, the bast of all fat.

>

>Step 2: Soaking

>

>Beef and pork kidneys should be soaked in acidulated water (1 tablespoon

>lemon juice or vinegar to 2 cups water) or buttermilk for 1 hour. Never

>soak veal or lamb kidneys as they have a tendency to soak up too much

>water due to their more delicate flavor and texture. (Baby beef kidneys,

>sold under the guise of veal, often require soaking because once the calf

>is weaned, the inner core becomes stronger.) Drain and pat dry before

>proceeding with recipe (unless parboiling is to follow). Additionally,

>baking soda or salt may be rubbed into beef or pork kidneys to further

>remove any pungent odor. Rinse well.

This procedure sounded very straightforward and easy -- rather like coring

an apple -- but as I'm sure you've already guessed, it was anything but.

In fact, things went wrong from the very moment I slid the kidney out of

its vacuum bag. It was already split open, but not into neat, separate

halves. Instead of being sort of like a butterflied or properly-carved

chicken, it was more like a chicken that had been attacked by a deranged

axe murderer and then left for dead in the street. Though the kidney was

still technically in one piece, lobes were slashed in two -- and three, and

four, and even five -- and the thick, fibrous fat in the center spread

everywhere like the channels of the Amazon.

But OK, I thought, start at the beginning. So I neatly punctured the outer

layer of one of the lobes, looking for this membrane that I was supposed to

remove, and I found... nothing. The outside layer of the kidney seemed

indistinguishable from the kidney flesh just below it. (Nor, on

reflection, having eaten plenty of raw liver, did I see how I could peel

off a membrane if I did find one, at least not without a tremendous

struggle and high casualties in lost kidney flesh.) So, well, OK, forget

about the membrane. If it materializes during cooking, I'll just have to

grin and eat it. On to the next step.

I proceeded to cut out the white core and excess fat (and what exactly do

they mean by " excess " , anyway?) only to find that there didn't seem to BE a

" white core " . Here and there, attached to or near the fat there were

lighter, yellowish sections of kidney flesh, but there was no clear

demarcation between them and the rest of the kidney. And the fat... well,

on first glance removing it seemed like a simple task, but in fact cutting

it and those yellowish bits out was a hellacious ordeal, both because the

fat burrowed all through the lobes and lobe segments in a semi-random

fashion, and because the flesh was very firmly attached to it.

Cutting out the undesirable parts wasn't so much a surgical operation as my

own bit of deranged axe murder -- but more with my fingernails than with a

knife because of the meandering shape of the fat. And it took a long time,

close to half an hour for the one single, solitary abused kidney I was

preparing. I'm still not even sure I accomplished what I was supposed to.

Worse yet, even after half a dozen washings, I still can't get the

nursing-home smell off my hands, because I foolishly didn't think I needed

to wear latex gloves.

It sounded so simple -- like coring an apple. What could go wrong?

So now that blasted kidney is soaking in lemon water and I'm figuring

there's got to be a better way. Surely old-time cooks didn't go through

this every time they made kidneys! After all, not every kidney recipe

calls for " kidneys ripped to shreds by deranged axe murderers and enraged,

fingernail-wielding newbies " . I checked Child's _The Way To Cook_

before starting because it's a great pictorial reference for many kitchen

procedures, but as I expected, it's way too modern in its sensibilities to

include any kidney dishes. Can any of you point me to some better (and

ideally illustrated) instructions?

No matter what, I think the next time I try kidneys (if there IS a next

time!) I'll stick to lamb kidneys. They sound much easier.

Of course I thought beef kidneys would be a snap, so I probably should

expect the worst. Maybe my hands will dissolve and I'll be left with

bloody stumps, or maybe the kidneys will fight back.

-