That fluttering feeling

[Guest guest]

I remember growing up and in the cold months preceding full on winter my family

would participate in religious activities. I remember maybe 4 years ago riding

in the car with my dad at night on the way to our church. It was a beautiful

cold night. What made the night special was a girl I had on my mind.

I remember thinking about her. I remember thinking that was love. My heart

fluttered from the sheer happiness. I was giddy. I remember the how beautiful

that chill window felt, how beautiful the contrast was. Cold outside warm

inside. I remember feeling so cozy, I felt like my world would be complete if I

just had this girl in my arms. Its like the feeling you get from taking a hot

shower just before you jump into a cold bed when you're really tired.

PSSD took that fluttering feeling away from me. I love the fall time, I love the

color of the world and the cold isolation that you get in the frigid nights. I

remember though, that cold isolation is only made bearable by the warmth of

someone's company, namely this girl I was dying for.

Those moments in my life were of extreme beauty. Thats the only way to describe

it. I was immersed in beauty. I saw so much beauty in the world it made me sad.

I believe its what lead me into my depression.

SSRI's don't work by making anyone feel better, they work by making you feel

nothing. Now my life is a drone, I can't stand this any more. God must have made

me as a joke or an example. I want to feel love again. I want to feel and see

and be overwhelmed by the worlds beauty again. I want to feel lust. I want to be

passionate. I want to be me again. This is such a burden on my life, I just want

to know I'll get better. My mind is restless.