A rant. Just needed to get my pain out. . . no need for replies

[Guest guest]

I don't know why but putting my confessions on the internet somehow helps me

clear out my head. I don't get it. You would think upon meeting me that I have

things together. My life would seem very good from most surface appearance and

yet I am fairly miserable. I have been this way since 2006. Yes there are ups

and downs, there are times I am even fairly happy. But for some reason

everything within my mind seems unstable.

My mind is fractured. I feel like a perceive reality in a very different way

than I did prior to 2006. I died that year, in many ways. First off my memory

shitted out. I used to be able to remember nearly everything I did and had a

great directional sense. If I had been somewhere once I could generally find my

way back there. Now I have a fair bit of trouble figuring out where I am and

keeping track of memories. It is very frustrating. This started in 2006. To

add insult to injury that year I lost most of my motivation. I had a horrible

break up with my ex who is still the only person I have ever been in love with,

as imperfect as it may have been. I have had opportunities since but almost no

desire. That is thanks in large part to the drugs that were prescribed for me

for depression. Effexor and later Zoloft left me with no sex drive and post

ssri sexual dysfunction (pssd). Thank you pharma industry and my doctor who

didn't even bother to tell me how serious these drugs were. Oh you are sad,

take drugs that will make you feel better. . . . or wait they didn't help at

all, just permanently made me impotent and even more depressed.

My entire youth I was a very motivated and passionate person. I was very

interested in science and learning. While occasionally I will get a spark of

insight and become excited again by science, 98% of the time this is dead in me.

And yet I am in grad school at a top university and wondering just why I am

here. I still some how get enjoyment out of socializing, and yet don't know

why. It is about the only thing that make me feel alive, well that and extreme

sports. The rest of the time I feel like a husk of my former self. Depressing

ha? And yet what options are left. I am convinced most of my mental problems

are only in my head (or brain). A better career, different location, etc won't

help, no matter how good.. Being in your mid twenties and impotent is just

something that I cannot deal with. Its not just the impotence but the lack of

sex drive, . . . . well lack of drive in general really. Some times I feel like

I wouldn't really care if I died. I wouldn't kill myself, I could not upset my

family or friends with such a thing. But if something happened, I don't know if

I would really be that upset. I don't get it. I have good friends. I have

even made new friends since 2006. Some of them know my inner turmoil, at least

to some degree, but others don't. Either way I don't know anyone who can

relate. And yet perhaps its just my self centered nature at play. Who knows.

I just don't know what I can do to cure myself.

I am an agnostic and yet my desperation has led me to pray to God to little

avail.

Please God help me rescue me from myself. Please heal my body, heal my mind,

and help me find passion for life again. I want to be whole again. I still hold

onto a sliver of hope but I have tried so many things to get better and nothing

has worked. It just is hard to deal with sometimes.