Thanks - Secret eating

[Guest guest]

Hi Everyone

I just want to say thanks to those who have helped me so much to

understand my husband's weight problem and probable secret eating. I

understand a great deal more about his motivations and the reasons

why it's secret than I did a week ago. The possiblity that he's

eating secretly has always been at the back of my mind, but you've

all helped me realise that this is actually the problem. Now I don't

feel bad about him lying to me, but instead bad that I haven't been

able to help him before now! :-) I can't bear to think what he's

been going through in secret - he must feel awful.

I have decided that we need to talk about it - I can't not confront

him about it, as to make changes he has to understand why I am no

longer going to feed him. Also, keeping all my own feelings bottled

up is seriously unhealthy for me (as I know from past

experience).However, I won't insist that he tells me anything, and I

will tell him I'm going to withdraw from the position of control

because I love him and it's the best thing I can do for him.

I would like to set the record straight on 1 point which has been

discussed on this topic

I haven't tried to change DH at all, as someone suggested. I want to

clarify that I'm just trying to find the man I met 4 years ago who

enjoyed sharing his life with me. We used to go to concerts, the

cinema, the theatre, we enjoyed cooking together, shopping together,

and even mundane chores such as tidying the kitchen. Hey, we even

used to enjoy sex (which is but a dim and distant memory now). Due

to his weight (physical discomfort) and self-esteem issues we no

longer do any of the things above. I have no friends, and my family

all live abroad, so this means I get pretty lonely. I don't think

helping him to resolve these issues is trying to change him.

I feel I understand why we've ended up in this situation now. There

has been manipulation, unwittingly, on both sides, not just mine.

We met in a low carb chat room and our first conversation was my

answering diet questions of his. He has continued to ask for help

ever since, and I've given it in the only way I know how - fully and

unconditionally. I now understand I've given help in the wrong way.

But the little voice saying " what shall I do, Jojo? " is hard to

resist! I didn't know that it would lead to secret eating.

Sometimes he makes a decision to cut something out of his diet - I

would tell him if he chooses to eat this unintentionally - at his

request.

By the same token, he has manipulated me into being the controller -

I don't want to be in this position, I beg and plead for him to come

shopping with me, and to help me cook dinner. I ask him every day if

he wants dinner, and if so what. But when I tried to back off about

a year ago, he guilted me into continuing.

Another cause is I think my own control over my own eating. I used

to feel very guilty and disappointed in myself if I broke the diet I

laid down for myself, and obviously shared these feelings of guilt

with him. But in his delicate state of mind, I can see how he might

feel that I would also be disappointed with him if he doesn't follow

a strict diet, so he hides his eating from me.

Now I have a better understanding of the situation, I fee we can deal

with it. Thanks again

Jo