Some feelings

[Guest guest]

I've been feeling a lot better since I've started hanging out with friends more

often. I love hanging out and not having to think about my problem since my

friends are mostly too lazy to pursue girls anyway. I spent 4 days just hanging

out and it was relaxing.

I have a fear, however. I feel like my asexuality causes some awkwardness

amongst us. I feel so emasculated at times that I feel like the 'gay' guy in the

group. I try to avoid tying any of my feelings to sexual material but it happens

inevitably and I feel sexually ambiguous around my buddies. I don't think they

notice yet but I feel nervous all the time. I try to remember that girls are the

only thing that can bring me sexual happiness even though I don't feel anything.

I've been abstaining a lot lately to try and build up tension. I am trying to

forget sex until my body begs for it like when I was a teenager. I want to try

and 'realize' my numbness so that I can focus on training myself to feel again.

It hasn't worked so far. I'll try and post any gains I notice.

Hopefully by the end of 3 months I will have some gains that give me hope for

recovery. I am going to continue exercising and eating healthy until then. My

goal is to get well enough to pursue a relationship by the time I return to

college in late August. If I can't get well enough in time I will consider

Cabaser or another dopamine agonist to help me.