The NN Dictionary of Never Say - for Deanna

[Guest guest]

The cliche is that computer systems terminology is such that it must have

been invented by men - " hard drive " etc. Dunno about that, but a long

time ago, the Dictionary of Things Never To Say At Work was invented by a

bunch of geeks. The very first entry in this Dictionary was a

discussion about swapping out a particular server - the boss said " Can't we

just pull it out before we're done? " The senior programmer paused for a

moment, and then a look of wonder passed across his face. Expression

followed expression, you could just SEE every thought progressing through

his eyes - the restraint was truly prodigious. Alas, the effort was too

much. His face turned pink, then red, then blue. Ten minutes later,

the meeting resumed. The boss was ever after referred to as Big Boy, and

the senior programmer as Stinky.

The Dictionary reached its height during the Y2K frenzies. We were

working on a government payroll system, in production, that was originally

written in the 70's. Work had been done since then, but ya know, ya

never know. Two-pound bags of M & M's disappeared in hours (original AND

peanut). I would go home every night and bake cookies for my " staff " .

I spent more on mini-Snickers bars that year than any other year -

programmer=chocolate back then. Our configuration management consisted of

a couple of white boards whilst I locked up the erasers. One of the

clients was being a moron and insisting we do other non-priority things

instead (she had a little power issue). We had new programs and routines

being written like Stupid1, 2 and 3. Variations on the woman's name.

Powrup, Powrdown, PowrTHIS (having to provide a library later was lots of

fun there - the FROG programs were the best). I had programmers marking

changes on the whiteboard, sniffing the dry erase markers, announcing " I

feel much better now " and going back to work.

Ahhh, those were the days.

But. Not until this particular winter holiday season (where many

thoughts turn to food) did I realize the true potential of food in this

respect, especially when you eat quite differently from everyone else in

your immediate vicinity. So here you have it - the initial entries of

the NN Dictionary of Things Never To Say To People Without the Same Frame

of Reference.

~ (referring to sushi) Since raw meat is good now, I need someone to go

get some with.

~ (if you want to sound quaintly Dahmer-esque) I have extra heads and

feet in the freezer.

~ I just do random squats now.

~ I don't use soap any more.

~ (Be sure to follow up the prior statement with:) Here, see?

~ (to an atheist) I picked up some extra copies of NT, do you want one?

~ (answering the phone) Oh! Just the person I wanted to talk to!

I've been going on a jerk binge.

Oh boy, I'm glad the holidays are over, you? Till next year. Cheers!

MFJ

Once, poets were magicians. Poets were strong, stronger than warriors or

kings - stronger than old hapless gods. And they will be strong once

again. ~Greg Bear