Guest guest Posted July 13, 2003 Report Share Posted July 13, 2003 Dear Tom, Thank you for belief-spotting me! Let me pull them out and then i need to do some work... > " If I am in control, I will feel peaceful. " > " If P is angry, he's about to lose control. " > " When P is angry, I am powerless. " > " When someone is angry, they are unhappy with me. " > " It's my job to make everyone happy. " (This is a biggie for me > " If I can make _____ happy, they won't lose control in anger and hurt someone. " > " If I know about someone's anger, I have to feel fear. " > " If I'm present to your anger, I'll take on the tension myself. " > " If I'm present to your anger, I'll want to fix it. " > " If I marry a man who is not perfect, I'll be trapped. " > " If I marry a man who is not perfect, our kids will witness violence. " " If i'm in the presence of anger i'll take on the tension. " 1. Yes. That has seemed to be what happens. When someone is angry, especially someone i care about, whose LAA is important to me (ha! seems important!), whom i want to be happy, i get tense. In my family when my dad or mom got angry it'd be like: " there goes the rest of the day " or " here comes another silent meal " or " here comes the belt or the wooden spoon. " So yes, my pattern is to get very tense. 2. Can i absolutely know that in the presence of anger i'll take on the tension? Can i know more than God? No. I wouldn't stake my life on this. The statement implies an " always " and can't know that this will continue to be, or always be, my pattern. 3. How do i react when i believe that thought? Well, in the presence of anger i start constricting inside. My insides start churning and i need to do something to make this better! Let's see: i could get the hell out of here (but that feels bad and i take the tension with me), or i can start standing on my head to make the other person forget about his anger, or i can start being ridiculously Pollyannaish to overcompensate for the anger and tension... Meanwhile, inside me there is a huge dissonance and i feel terrible. I'm afraid. I think i need to make it all better and/or I think it's my fault. I also start thinking that this person is not very healthy if they are feeling anger like this and i start mentally feeling the need to separate from them. That is also very painful because usually they are people i love and don't want to separate from. In short, the result of believing this thought is fear and separation and a desire to control. 4. Who would i be without the thought " in the presence of anger i will take on the tension " ? Unafraid of it. Not needing to run away or fix it. Being a loving presence for myself and the other person. Picturing... angry, tense P when something has gone wrong, full of judgments about someone or himself, which triggered the anger... without the thought i will take on the tension i can keep being present to myself and notice what thoughts and feelings are inside me. I don't have to run away in fear or stay b/c i need to fix it. Peace either way. I don't have to play devil's advocate to defend the other he's angry with. I don't have to defend the underdog. It seems a result of not having this feeling would be much more space in the midst of the anger, whereas usually i feel a lessening of space and breath. Love. And love might be alone in this situation or love might be with him in this situation. Either way love. TA In the presence of anger, i will not take on the tension. -- i'm open to this being true. From experience i can't see it but i could picture it in #4 (although it seemed beyond my dreams as far as reality). In the presence of anger, i will take on peace. -- could also be true. As i undo the fear that could be the result. In the presence of anger, i will become expansive. -- open to new ways of being and thinking that without inquiry i would not see as possible. > > ... > > Yes, mona. Control is a big one for me. Wanting to always be in > > control, have all the ducks lined up, everything figured out, > > understanding and having a grasp, etc etc... I've been realizing > > lately that i want to be in control and feel peace at the same time. > > I think i've had the belief that being in control equals peace. > > Stands to reason then, that if my loved one is very angry, not only > > do i see him on the brink of losing control but i also experience my > > lack of control to do anything about it. > > " If I am in control, I will feel peaceful. " > > " If P is angry, he's about to lose control. " > > " When P is angry, I am powerless. " > > > ... > > I think i do fear being hurt or someone else being hurt. I remember > > my brother coming to me and showing me his bleeding bottom after a > > spanking... Dad was angry... my brother was always getting in > > trouble... i wanted none of that getting in trouble so i pretty much > > started on a quest for perfection and being good from a very early > > age. I think i also feel like when someone is angry they are unhappy > > with me, and that it's my responsibility, in some way, to make them > > happy again. Big job! That belief (i.e., " i need to make ____ > > happy " ) is one i've been very aware of and worked on quite a bit > > lately. But i'm seeing a correlation between my fear of anger and my > > need/desire to make people happy so that no one loses control and no > > one gets hurt. > > " When someone is angry, they are unhappy with me. " > > " It's my job to make everyone happy. " (This is a biggie for me > > " If I can make _____ happy, they won't lose control in anger and hurt > someone. " > > > ... > > >> So I'm thinking that maybe that turnaround can be true for you if > > can find some times when you're not afraid of the anger. Like when > > it's dormant, or directed elsewhere.<< > > > > Yes, i see. I'm not afraid of your anger when i don't know you're > > angry... it's true but i don't really see the point. > > " If I know about someone's anger, I have to feel fear. " > > > ... > > You know, with the person i was writing about it is not so much a > > fear that they will hurt me but just having such a hard time being > > in the middle of such tension... I don't know if i can stay and not > > take that tension on... I alss have trouble staying and not wanting > > to try to fix anything. > > " If I'm present to your anger, I'll take on the tension myself. " > > " If I'm present to your anger, I'll want to fix it. " > > > ... > > You know, as i think of this i realize that one of my biggest > > stresses in the face of P's anger is that in that moment i don't see > > him as perfect or as my " perfect partner " when he is angry... i jump > > into the future and then the anger is not just about the moment but > > a whole imagined story of being married (i.e., trapped!) and having > > kids witnessing violence (not that he's violent--i just jump there) > > and a lot of tension. I think i have lots of stories about marriage. > > Might be interesting to look at. > > " If I marry a man who is not perfect, I'll be trapped. " > > " If I marry a man who is not perfect, our kids will witness violence. " > > > Anyone else ever feel overwhelmed > > with the amount of things coming up to be worked on?! > > Yes! I have list of around 100 beliefs that I want to work on, and I'm > adding to the list faster than I work on the issues. > > And, I think we're both doing great! Hang in there, Heidi. > > love, > Tom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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