Clown Mom

[Guest guest]

Hi Mom- I'm delighted that you wrote back to us to let us know how you

are " not " doing! I agree with Carol - you're in a fabulous place.

Gloria's post on just looking at the illusion without buying into it

was also spectacular. The problem comes when you actually think that

the horrible stories that your mind is telling you about yourself are

true. Just watch. Everything that's black is a lie...everything that

causes pain - is a lie.

Clown Mom wrote-

Yes, that is the goal, to love myself. I am trying to find some shred,

some tiny evidence that I am worth loving. I am measuring myself by the

world?s standards, it doesn?t work. I don?t know what else to use. Just

?being? isn?t good enough for me right now.

Jan writes-

You don't have to feel lovable now. That's waiting for you on the

other side of the dark wall you're looking at now. Inquiry is just

such a wonderful way to see the wall fog away like a misty cloud and

then you walk into the light and then there's another dark wall. Like

Mona says, if you can just take one piece, one little fragment of

darkness and look at it, inquire about it, you've put your energy in

the right place.

And for me - success with one, experiencing the light - I'm now going

where is that darkness - I'm going there - I do addiction well! And I

so love the after the noodles flying everywhere moment....

So just think about wanting to want to take a small chunk and look

only at that...

And the chat room was a bust - I went in there and some java appelet

thing started goin' and I almost couldn't get out....so that wasn't

meant to be...

Clown Mom wrote-

I found that loving someone just for who they are doesn?t work. Well, I

should say it doesn?t work when I let them know that. They then glom on

to bombard me with what THEY want and it sucks the life out of

me. I had gotten myself into the place where people I did not even know

or had just met would drop all of their problems at me. I did not try

to offer solutions, but to just listen. That wasn?t enough for them.

They didn?t want me to offer anything but they wanted something from me.

Empathy and compassion wasn?t enough. Telling them about myself wasn?t

what they wanted either. Just being their for people didn?t work form

me. I tried to stay out of it by only being a friend because I could see

that they really didn?t want my help, they wanted an ear. But, if I

tried to open up to them, I was rejected every time. People are selfish.

Jan writes -

Loving someone just for who they are is the only thing that works for

me. If you don't love yourself and you don't KNOW how to love you,

then can you blame others for not knowing how to love you either? If

you're abusive to yourself can you blame others for being abusive to

you also?

I say - Don't worry about anyone else but you - I invite you to become

deliciously selfish - ask yourself how does this make me feel - how

does this really make me feel - asking this question throughout your

day and you begin to learn how to love you...

So precious that you dropped back in to give us an update - look how

many of us have so embraced you...you are so lovable in doing what we

all are doing....Jan