work on guilt over freedom

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In a message dated 06/17/2003 2:21:36 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

jmknapp74@... writes:

> these are just beliefs, but they are mine and im feeling them clearly for

> the

> first time.

> * i do not deserve to be happy if my mom suffers from crippling and painful

> arthritis every day of her life. i do not deserve to be happy if she feels

> so

> hopeless. it would be leaving her behind somehow. i have to suffer if she

> does. after all she has worked for, given and sacrifice for me, it would be

>

> cruel not to.

> * i do not deserve to have a better life than my dad. he has had a very

> hard

> life, and suffered so much loss, and if i lose touch with that, i lose my

> dad.

> * my little brother is completely overtaken by anger and confusion by life.

>

> it kills me to see him this way, because he's such an awesome kid and he's

> in

> so much pain. if i can't feel his pain in my life, i truly feel like im

> abandoning him (all of them really). i want their happiness so badly, i

> want it

> over my own. i feel like, when they come to real peace, and i somehow know

> it,

> then it will be okay for me to go about becoming free. is this love or

> lies?

> i honestly do not know!

>

> this is a serious dilemma. im exhausted. i may do this work online

> because...well i dont know why, but tomorrow.

>

> love,

> jeremy

>

okay, let's try this out.

it's wrong for me to want/have real happiness when the people i love are in

perpetual pain.

TRUE? it feels true. i do feel a big sense of guilt about thier pain.

CAN YOU ABSOLUTELY KNOW IT'S TRUE THAT YOUR DESIRE FOR FREEDOM IS WRONG? no.

i cant know it's wrong. all i know is that it feels wrong.

HOW DO YOU REACT WHEN YOU BELIEVE THIS? well, up until very recently, i

didnt even know i believed this. but ive been reacting by never really

believing

i could be happy. losing hope for it at all over time. ive lost faith in any

kind of God, or benevolent force that is concerned at all with the happiness

of human beings. ive come to believe that we, as a very fucked up, twisted

and confused species of animal, are a huge mistake at best, and the butt of a

VERY twisted joke at worst. ive decided that the promises of God are bullshit.

i mean, LOOK at this world! look at the unimaginable suffering of the human

race, and how that spreads to all ends of the earth! ive reacted by becoming

SICK AND TIRED of using the work, and any form of " spirituality " as a tool for

nothing more than the denial of other's pain. anger. depression. guilt.

defeat. ready to give up.

DOES THIS BRING PEACE OR STRESS? stress. plenty of it.

IS THERE A PEACFUL REASON TO HOLD ONTO THIS? no.

CAN YOU SEE A REASON TO LET GO OF THIS? i honestly dont know. im very

confused about " letting go " of this right now.

WHO WOULD YOU BE WITHOUT THIS BELIEF? again, very unclear about this. just

here, living, breathing. without the weight of the worlds suffering on my

shoulders. lighter. less serious. less tense. a sense of " okay-ness " . ive

had that sense many times before. maybe the perpetual knot of

tension/guilt/wrongness in my chest would be gone...that would be okay!

TA> its okay for me to be REALLY happy and deeply okay even when others

arent. hmmm...

TA> it's okay for me to be concerned about the well-being of others and still

be happy myself. okay, feels a little better.

TA> its okay to want my own happiness as much as i want the happiness of

others. wow! is it? that could be just as true!

TA> my own self-imposed suffering does not lessen the suffering of the ones i

love. i KNOW that's true.

well, feels somewhat more clear. i will come back later with work on *by

leaving others/my own suffering behind, i am abandoning the ones i love.*

(writing it down to remember, my writing is pretty much flow-of-conciousness

right

now!) thanks everyone.

much love,

jeremy