RE: Inquiry on appreciation

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 7/12/2003 7:26:10 PM Central Daylight Time,

notetoapril@... writes:

> Marla,

> How do those turn arounds feel to you?

I'm not really feeling them yet. Just sort of looking at them clinically, I

guess. I can see the possibility that maybe I don't appreciate myself enough,

and moreso that I don't appreciate him as he is. I mean, that's the thing,

really, isn't it? If I appreciated him as he is, I wouldn't be running into

this wall over and over...

>

> You did a great job! I just wonder how that sits with you? OK?

> My first realities were kind of sad and then I was gentle with me, as I

> didn't know any better. Sweet me, not knowing any different, not

> knowing that I created my " sad " . Then I really had to laugh as I was

> still doing it! HA! Now the absurdity is really lunacy and funny.

> Confusion sometimes comes in the most interesting stories!

>

>

It is sad.....and moreso because this is not the first time I've come to the

realization, but I seem to have a need to beat my head on these bricks again

and again. I've had a sense for a long time that I'm doing it to myself, but

I'm acting like a blind rat in a maze who can only remember the path that

doesn't lead out!

There is something satisfying about seeing it all laid out in print, though.

Sort of makes it more real

Thanks, April!

Marla

[Guest guest]

Marla,

How do those turn arounds feel to you?

The other thing, ---- X ignoring you, is how you see it, right?

So when you look forward to getting that again it is just you, you look

forward to your thinking such a silly thought. As then you get to " snap

out of it " and say " oh silly me! " that isn't even true!

The thing that I usually notice too is that when I have the " thought "

and I am distant, well that is what I create! I have a thought of

" unloving " and wow, I am that, very much so! Then I get to chuckle as

who wants to hang with such a " me? " It appears that Not even ME wants

to! LOL

You did a great job! I just wonder how that sits with you? OK?

My first realities were kind of sad and then I was gentle with me, as I

didn't know any better. Sweet me, not knowing any different, not

knowing that I created my " sad " . Then I really had to laugh as I was

still doing it! HA! Now the absurdity is really lunacy and funny.

Confusion sometimes comes in the most interesting stories!

April

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 7/12/2003 10:25:36 PM Central Daylight Time,

tbarron@... writes:

>

> Hi, Marla. I admire your determination in the face of an issue that's

> clearly painful for you. I noticed some beliefs that might be worth

> further inquiry when you're ready...

>

>

> UB: " I need X to keep his promises for me to be happy. "

Hmmm. That's a big one....

>

>

> UB: " I want more appreciation and attention than X can give. " (and

> that means ....)

I'm not sure.

That I can't accept the realities of his life (relationship priorities, time

commitments, etc)?

That I'm more comfortable in a relationship where I don't get enough of what

I want?? (ack. another worksheet. i don't wanna.....)

>

>

> " I care about his attention too much. " (I can sure relate to this -- I

> judge that I care too much about attention from other people.)

Oh, Tom, this is like a bullseye for me. I think I've spent a lot of my life

seeking attention, but at the same time trying not to *look* like I'm seeking

attention....lol! I despise attention-seeking in my co-workers and

acquaintances, and as I do a lot of work in the arts community, I run into them

at

every turn. I probably hate it so much because it's really a part of my

being--I

just keep trying to smother it.

>

> If these are helpful, great. If not, thank you very much for serving

> as my " belief-spotting " exercise for the evening. Thank you for being

> here and sharing yourself, Marla.

Tom, they were very helpful, and I appreciate you taking the time to offer

them.

Thanks!

Marla

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 7/12/2003 10:52:44 PM Central Daylight Time,

notetoapril@... writes:

> Marla,

> You must love to write? LOL

LOL! Well, ya....I have a hard time getting the same clarity in conversation

that I do when I write stuff down. Maybe it's a visual thing--I can

unscramble things a little easier when I can see them in front of me. When I'm

just

sitting there talking to someone, it all comes out in this messy,

incomprehensible dump.....

>

> You said.

> I mean, that's the thing,

> really, isn't it? If I appreciated him as he is, I wouldn't be running

> into

> this wall over and over...

>

> That sounds like a great one for a turn around.

>

I'm not sure how to do this one.

If I appreciated me as I am, I wouldn't run into the walls?

> There goes that April doing what she

> does, getting all riled up at some silly thought and once I learned to

> like " that April who does those things " they didn't stay as long.

I like that idea. Mebbe I need to invent an alter-ego...

>

>

> So perhaps running into a wall is something you do for now! Can't be

> much different than a night of nachos and a bottle of wine?

Oh, I do those, too. Well, it's a pint of Ben & Jerry's instead of nacho

night, but the principle is there.

Marla

[Guest guest]

Hi, Marla. I admire your determination in the face of an issue that's

clearly painful for you. I noticed some beliefs that might be worth

further inquiry when you're ready...

> BELIEF: X doesn't appreciate me

> ...

> c. X is not supposed to forget his offer to me. Is it true? I

> guess not, because he does it repeatedly.

UB: " X should keep his promises to me. "

> ...

> b. Can I know I would be happier if he would keep his promises

> of time to me? Weeeeeeeell…..I guess not, but it sure feels like I

> would.

UB: " I need X to keep his promises for me to be happy. "

> ...

> e. What is the obvious reality? X gives me all the

> appreciation and attention that he can. I want more appreciation and

> attention than he can give.

UB: " I want more appreciation and attention than X can give. " (and

that means ....)

> 3. What is my reaction to the thought that X doesn't appreciate

> me? Anger. Resentment. I get tense all over, with knots between

> my shoulders. I can't stop thinking about it. I become cold and

> unresponsive. I move away from him, avoid eye contact with him, stop

> talking to him. I don't want to hear from him. I want to never

> believe anything he says again so that I never have to worry about

> being disappointed. I hate myself for caring about his attention so

> much. I call myself names for continuing to work with him when he

> doesn't act exactly the way that I want.

> ...

" I care about his attention too much. " (I can sure relate to this -- I

judge that I care too much about attention from other people.)

" If he doesn't act the way I want him to, I should get another job. "

If these are helpful, great. If not, thank you very much for serving

as my " belief-spotting " exercise for the evening. Thank you for being

here and sharing yourself, Marla.

Tom

[Guest guest]

Marla,

You must love to write? LOL

You said.

I mean, that's the thing,

really, isn't it? If I appreciated him as he is, I wouldn't be running

into

this wall over and over...

That sounds like a great one for a turn around.

I found that some times I do absurd things, and I laugh because that

appears to be my job at times. There goes that April doing what she

does, getting all riled up at some silly thought and once I learned to

like " that April who does those things " they didn't stay as long. The

thought came, and I recognized the rascal and it didn't stay, I guess

some might say it wasn't attached.

Oh the crazy chick, going off, look at you, I bet you want all those lip

glosses and you don't even wear lipstick! LOL And I didn't buy them. My

spending on impulsive stuff has gone down 80%.

I didn't think I was that impulsive but sometimes that empty feeling was

filled by nachos one night, lip gloss another, a bottle of wine another,

5 DVD's that had to be returned in 30 hours, oh and books! those too if

" one " book on cultural diversity was good, probably three or four will

be better! LOL, I don't need them. None of it now seems to " feel " , I do

that. The stuff doesn't. (that I know of!)

So perhaps running into a wall is something you do for now! Can't be

much different than a night of nachos and a bottle of wine?

Writing things out sure is a good way to look at it.

April

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 7/12/2003 8:52:54 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

notetoapril@... writes:

> Marla,

> You must love to write? LOL

>

> You said.

> I mean, that's the thing, really, isn't it? If I appreciated him as he is,

> I wouldn't be running

> into this wall over and over...

>

> That sounds like a great one for a turn around.

And April...I think your comment: " You must love to write " ...sounds like a

great one for a turn around! ; )

[Guest guest]

Marla,

You stated:

I'm not sure how to do this one.

If I appreciated me as I am, I wouldn't run into the walls?

I was thinking along the lines:

" I appreciate me as I am, and I sometimes run into walls. " Sure its OK

to run into walls and still love you a whole lot! It is kind of like, I

look forward to running into walls because I do! LOL

April

I was joking about the writing because you really do have a lot of ideas

and a lovely list!

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 7/13/2003 12:43:14 PM Central Daylight Time,

notetoapril@... writes:

> Yes I do love to write. I was teasing Marla as someone mentioned a turn

> around for her before and she said she thought she saw some but had a

> stack of " work " in front of her!

>

> I was in my way, saying " here I go being in your business and sending

> you more to write! " (funny how I actually do think faster and more than

> what I write) Can you even fathom? LOL

And then I missed the joke and I'm thinking " SHE'S telling me that *I* must

like to write???? " <g>

Marla

[Guest guest]

Mona!

You are so funny! LOL

Yes I do love to write. I was teasing Marla as someone mentioned a turn

around for her before and she said she thought she saw some but had a

stack of " work " in front of her!

I was in my way, saying " here I go being in your business and sending

you more to write! " (funny how I actually do think faster and more than

what I write) Can you even fathom? LOL

April

[Guest guest]

Marla,

That is interesting because I automatically assume that because we do

the work all the time on what we project around my house and everything

is a turn around, that everyone here " gets " my jokes! What a crack up!

I automatically assume that those will read my stuff and see the

judgments and know that I am being facetious! Good lesson!

I used to have a LOL all over the place but I think that also confused

some people because some thought I was just happy go lucky when I was in

fact saying, " look at this absurd one! " . How funny is that?

Absurdity...

April

[Guest guest]

Hi, Marla. I'm running a little behind...

> ...

> > " I care about his attention too much. " (I can sure relate to this -- I

> > judge that I care too much about attention from other people.)

>

>

> Oh, Tom, this is like a bullseye for me. I think I've spent a lot of

> my life seeking attention, but at the same time trying not to *look*

> like I'm seeking attention....lol! I despise attention-seeking in my

> co-workers and acquaintances, and as I do a lot of work in the arts

> community, I run into them at every turn. I probably hate it so much

> because it's really a part of my being--I just keep trying to

> smother it.

I hear you, and I find myself in what you say.

" I should not seek attention from others. "

1. Is it true? yes

1a. What's the reality of it? I seek attention from others.

1b. Whose business is it? whether I seek attention is my business.

whether others give me their attention is their business.

2. Can you absolutely know that it's true? no

2a. I seek attention from others and it means that I'm looking for my

worth outside myself. I seek attention from others and it means

that I'm weak. I seek attention from others and it means that I'm

gullible. I seek attention from others and it means that I'm not

reliable.

2b. What do you think you would have? If I had the attention of

others, I would feel important and special.

2c. What's the worst that could happen? My thinking that I need the

attention of others to be okay.

2d. What's the " should " ? I should not even *want* attention from other

people.

3. How do you react when you think that thought? I feel lonely,

abandoned, dissatisfied, bored, aimless. Thinking that I should not

seek or even want attention from others leads to thoughts of how

*much* I want attention from others and how much it hurts to not

have it.

3a. Can you see a reason to drop the thought? (but don't try) yes

3b. Can you see a stress-free reason for keeping the thought? no

3c. How have I lived my life because I believed the thought? seeking

attention from others while pretending that I'm not. trying to

cover up my efforts to get attention, trying to keep myself and

others from being aware of my efforts to get attention.

3d. What do I do and say to others when I believe that thought? I try

to be helpful or humble to make them like me, so they'll give me

the attention I want.

3f. What do I get out of holding this belief? I get to generate a lot

of drama around the double bind of wanting attention when I should

not and seeking attention in covert ways.

4. Who would you be without that thought? I seek attention when I want

it without judging myself or trying to hide from myself that that's

what I'm doing.

5. Turn it around

- I should seek attention from others (... until I don't)

- I can give myself attention (... and I am doing that, more and

more)

- I can give my attention to others (... when I know that I have

everything I need, it's easy to be generous with my time and

energy)

5a. When I live this turnaround, what do I do differently? I notice

what I do without judging it. I take time to give myself the

attention I want. When it feels good and I want to, I give my

attention to the people around me.

Thanks, Marla.

love,

Tom