work on feelings.

[Guest guest]

this is kinda weird. i dont have any specific problem looming at me at the

moment, but i just feel, like, gross. or something. so i feel like i want to

do the work on something, but dont know what. pretty vague. anyway, here

goes.

i feel discontent, slightly anxious, bored. i have a vague (and i think

permanent) sense of urgency in my heart. i dont like these feelings. i want to

feel relaxed, content and at ease.

SO, YOU WANT TO FEEL DIFFERENT THAN YOU DO IN REALITY? IS THIS TRUE? yes.

CAN YOU ABSOLUTELY KNOW THIS IS TRUE? yeah. i absolutely know that i want

to feel BETTER than i do! thats why im doing the work right now.

HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH THIS BELIEF? i feel like i want to jump out of my skin.

i cant relax. i can sit and do nothing, but im not relaxed when i do it. i

smoke too many cigarettes. i cant hold still. im tense. im the opposite of

being at ease. i feel an overwhelming desire to escape myself, my mind, this

tight, shrill, buzzing feeling in my chest. i feel trapped in myself. i

dont want to sit. i dont want to stand. i dont want to smoke. i dont want to

talk. i dont want to think. i dont want to eat. i dont want to drive. i

dont want to go to the lake. i dont want to sleep. i want to escape.

DO YOU FEEL PEACE OR STRESS FROM TRYING TO ESCAPE THESE FEELINGS? stress on

top of stress. urgency on top of urgency.

CAN YOU SEE A REASON TO DROP TRYING TO ESCAPE? oh, sure. i suppose.

WHO WOULD YOU BE, HOW WOULD YOU LIVE, IF YOU WERENT TRYING TO ESCAPE ANYTHING

INSIDE YOU? id sink. i would FEEL this. i would just watch it consume me.

i would stop struggling and just sink into the quicksand of it. id fall into

it and see whats on the other side, if there is an other side. i would also

just pick a frickin activity and DO it, with or without feeling like im going

at 9000 rpm's. yeah. i'll go to the lake and feel these feelings without

hoping/wishing/seeing if the lake will diminish them. i'll go feel urgent at

the

lake. seems better than feeling urgent sitting here.

TA> i do want to feel these feelings. they bring me to inquiry. true.

TA> my feelings are just my feelings. my thinking they should be different

than they are in reality is my only problem. could be just as true. well,

NO! that IS true.

TA> my feelings should be exactly as they are. truth. reality.

TA> my feelings will be exactly as they are until they arent. reality.

okay.

jeremy