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I went to my neurosurgeon today he tells me NOPE I am still NOT a

candidate for surgery. I guess I should be happy! He says no your

discs are not protruding out all that much, etc. The increase in pain

has been incredible with the degeneration that is now there which he

acknowledged that he can do nothing about and the additional

protruding and new disc level that was not there before. At night I

often get numb and weakness down arms and hands and excruciating pain

up my head! This is awful. I guess there is no way to reinflate my

discs. He just shook his head. I said is there anything I can do to

help or prevent further deterioration, is there anything that can be

done, a brace anything? He said only " just..don't have any more

accidents " I guess he is the resident genius! Why didn't I think of

that in the first place? That's why he gets paid the big bucks.

Sorry. He really does not have any compassion but he is only giving

me his opinion. He is conservative but also quick to operate at times

so I can't fault him for honesty. I just am in a very bad place now,

feeling desparate, feeling the pain shoot through my chest and along

the length of my spine, into my head shoulders arms (hands actually

not bad right now) feels like a rotting slicing cavity or a root

canal. But I am not alone here I know. I know I should be very

grateful to be alive considering current events. I want to be I

really do. I just can't help contemplating an end to this sometimes

though and while I feel very selfish it would be just ok somehow. I

will not do anything because with my luck I would survive. I just

don't want to continue this way. Take care,

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