Re: Help with thoughts of partners rebound relationship

[Guest guest]

She did nothing wrong - I am jealous that anyone was holding her and

kissing her while I longed for someone like her and didn't reach out

to her - she thought I was happily married and I had met her and

thought about going out with her when the time was right.

>

> Sometimes I think " How can I stay with her now - when she

> > was dating and I was still not moved out of my house (although my

> > wife and I were living separate lives).

>

> Dear Bob,

>

> I'd like to know more about what your judgment of her is. Is it

that she did

> something you didn't approve of, or that she was moving faster than

you in

> terms of progressing through your respective separations?

>

> Love,

> Bev

[Guest guest]

I think it is this:

** I missed an opportunity

** I think jealously of her

** It's not fair that I had no relationship until I met her, but she

had one, even though she now thinks she would rather not have had it.

> I think I comprehend your dilemma. Here are the painful thoughts I

hear:

>

> **Our relationship should have started sooner.

> **The other guy " won " first because I didn't reach out.

> **The past could have happened differently.

> **She shouldn't have looked for love without me.

> **I missed an opportunity.

>

> Let me know if I'm even close.

>

> Love,

> Bev

>

> > -----Original Message-----

> > From: bob_bogosian [mailto:bob_bogosian@y...]

> >

> > She did nothing wrong - I am jealous that anyone was holding her

and

> > kissing her while I longed for someone like her and didn't reach

out

> > to her - she thought I was happily married and I had met her and

> > thought about going out with her when the time was right.

[Guest guest]

Answer inside highlighted by ***

> She did nothing wrong - I am jealous that anyone was holding her

and

> kissing her while I longed for someone like her and didn't reach

out

> to her -

*** Hi Bob,

It would probably be best if you did the work on each of these

questions before going on to the next one. My concearn is that if you

read all the way down to my comment before doing any of the work,

what I said might occur as invalidating. That's not my intention. I

say what I said inside the context of being equal to all that is

within you.

The fact that she held and kissed someone in the past is upsetting me

now. Is that true?

When you get to the turnaround on this one be sure to use " my

thinking "

She shouldn't have been holding and kissing him while I was happily

married. Is that true?

She should have known to wait for me and when the time was right.

Your life/happiness, in this moment, is diminished by her having held

and kissed someone in the past. Is that true?

I wish she hadn't had that month of happiness before we got together.

Is that true?

The fact that she had this rebound relationship means something about

our relationship now. Is that true?

She was wrong for having a rebound relationship. Is that true? Be

sure to do the turnaround on this one.

............................................................

Last chance to do the work before reading my comments

This is insane Bob. You seem to be saying I love her and I want her

happiness... as long as it's only expressed with me... as long as she

wasn't happy before she was with me... as long as her happiness with

me overshadows and invalidates all happiness she has experienced in

the past.

I'm reminded of saying " Personalities don't love. They want

something. " What do you want from her?

I suggest you spend some time with this last question and give

yourself a complete answer.

And... thank you for being willing to look at yourself. )

[Guest guest]

Sometimes I think " How can I stay with her now - when she

> was dating and I was still not moved out of my house (although my

> wife and I were living separate lives).

Dear Bob,

I'd like to know more about what your judgment of her is. Is it that she did

something you didn't approve of, or that she was moving faster than you in

terms of progressing through your respective separations?

Love,

Bev

[Guest guest]

Is it true that she shouldn't have dated anyone else?

[Guest guest]

Thanks - I already went through that on one of my worksheets. It

makes sense but the bad vibe continues to come back. Still can't get

around the image of seeing myself somewhere while she was going out

with him.

** Is it true that I can't stop thinking about her going out with

someone else?

> Is it true that she shouldn't have dated anyone else?

[Guest guest]

Really interesting posts around this. I notice how the group mind is

much more aware and intelligent than my mind alone.

Musing aloud here...

What I am present to is how attached I am to having people be aware

of my wisdom and my understanding. I'm so tempted to jump in and make

suggestions of answers as to what Bob is getting out of keeping these

thoughts. Yet part of me knows tht it's his inquiry and answering for

him is none of my business.

So if I put forth my answers what would be the best possible outcome?

Bob would become clear on his motives. Everyong would see what a

brilliant, wise, man I am and they would want me. It would validate

my existence.

Underlying belief: I'm not good enough. I'm not wanted.

I'm not good enough. Is that true?

Good enough for whom?

For other people. Sometimes that's true. Sometimes I'm not accepted

or valued.

Should others always accept and value me?

No

3. I feel off balance when I think that they should. They have the

power over my " ability " to feel good about myself. I feel anxious and

on guard for the pending doom of rejection. I feel completely unaware

of my own ability to accept myself.

4. Without that thought I would just be. I could be wanted, or not. I

could grant people freedom to feel how they feel and want what they

want without my needing validation and reassurance from them. Boy,

that feels freer.

People should accept and value me.

TA People should not accept and value me.

I should accept and value me.

I should accept and value others (but only for me... since there is

no other).

I look forward to having the experience of others knowing me for

exactly who I am in the moment and not accepting me or valuing me.

Yep, bring it on. It wasn't their job in the first place. I welcome

the opportunity to live my freedom.

OK, I'm done. )

[Guest guest]

> > Is it true that she shouldn't have dated anyone else?

Bob....

This is like playing....and it is fun!

Do you think that the bad vibe is about the story continuing...you

have had the story for awhile...yes? But you are doing the hard work

and getting to the truth of it all for you...

So where are you now?

Are you with her?

nne

[Guest guest]

Yes I am with her.

> So where are you now?

> Are you with her?

>

> nne

[Guest guest]

No - it really isn't. Of course, that's not the problem. The problem

is my feelings about some events that I have very little knowledge of

that weren't " wrong. " I think with the help I got here I am down to

two statements:

* When I think about her and her former relationships/lovers I feel

bad about the things I missed out on in my life.

* Whan I think about her former relationships AND experiences I get a

dark feeling that all that stuff was BAD because I was left out (same

as above).

* When I think about her with former lovers I create a picture of

them in my mind that is painful.

> Man and Woman Loving each other.

>

> Is that any different than what you think would be true now if she

> hadn't had the rebound relationship? It sounds pretty good to me.

>

> Love P

>

>

[Guest guest]

> Yes I am with her.

>

> > So where are you now?

> > Are you with her?

> >

> > nne

Hi Bob...

So you can ask the question...

I am with her.

Is that true?

You might be mentally " over there " ...seeing her with someone

else...tormenting yourself...while at this moment you have this

beautiful woman right in front of you...

Does this make sense?

nne

[Guest guest]

> No - it really isn't. Of course, that's not the problem. The

problem

> is my feelings about some events that I have very little knowledge

of

> that weren't " wrong. " I think with the help I got here I am down

to

> two statements:

>

> * When I think about her and her former relationships/lovers I

feel

> bad about the things I missed out on in my life.

> * Whan I think about her former relationships AND experiences I

get a

> dark feeling that all that stuff was BAD because I was left out

(same

> as above).

> * When I think about her with former lovers I create a picture of

> them in my mind that is painful.

Hello!

You shared this thought: " When I think about her with former lovers

I create a picture of them in my mind that is painful " .

Ouch. Yes. I've been there. Yes! Ouch, ouch, ouch!

*smile*

You shall the Truth (of your thoughts) and the Truth shall set you

free (Of your painful thinking)!

I have some questions:

When you have thought-pictures of this woman you are " very in love

with " being with former lovers, how are your imagined experiences of

her with other men different from what you want to experience with

her?

Can the wet, gooey, luscious, orgamsic, pleasuable moments of the

past, yours or hers, actually have any life (existence) in the

present, without your attention to them?

How can you fault other men for finding her desirable, since you

find her so? Is your desire for her affections pure and ours

detestable?

Your friend acted on her needs and longing for love, affection,

pleasure and attention ... Why would you have her behave otherwise?

Maybe she was practicing so she could be ready for you! *smile*

She is exactly the woman she is because of EVERY experience, and

relationship she has lived. Start trying to extract or devalue those

experiences and relationships and you will not have the same woman.

Have you shared TheWork with her?

There are things she may never disclose to you. She may have plesure

desires she will keep secret from you forever. You can love her, but

you can never fully know her heart. Ummmm. Seems be the " Divine

Plan " at work! Her business.

Can you know you? Going with that, I would say you seem headed in

the right direction!

Best of Everything in your relationships and inquiry for Truth!

Love & Grace,

Charlie