work on

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I need to want me in order for me to be happy.

True. having not slept all night and squinting through puffy eyes,

seems true. Yes.

Absolutely true? It would be nice, but I have been happy without

him--or have I? NO, because when I am with him and he says

he wants me I often feel like shit. I don't respect the way he lives

his life. Matter of fact, I have never been happy with his kind of

love. I want to want me in a completely different way than

he actually does. Maybe this should be the next inquiry: I need

to love me the way I want him to in order for me to be

happy. (future inquiry: Why ? Lots of decent men have

loved me )

importan word: WANT

How do I react when I think this thought? oooooo. Bad.

I feel rejected, dejected, neglected. My heart aches. I go into a

mental tizzy thinking he wants someone else instead of me. I

forget all of the crap that I have experienced in the last three

years and only think of why he doesn't want me. I feel like

without his desire (no matter how fickle) for me I am worthless.

I put up fight to get him to want me and only me all at my

expense. I think That there would never be love in my life. Even if

I don't want him, I want him to want me. I am empty when he

doesn't. death. I panic if he doesn't respond to me in the way I

would like. (Now I am thinking I made him into a creep--no, K,

he was a creep before you could do your tricks on him) More

inquiry: I need to not be a creep (so he will want me and

love me the way I want him to) Obviously, this thought makes

me sick.

Who would I be without this thought?

would not be in my world. I would have dismissed him

along time ago. I wouldn't depend on his every word and action

for me to feel good. I would be calm and happy and spend my

days in joy and not desparation. I could look at this beautiful

sunrise without the veil of sadness. I would go out play with the

dogs and have a hot cup of coffee on my beautiful patio and soak

in all that is beautiful in my life. No more revenge fantasies. No

ache. Look forward to living my life.

I don't need to want me for me to be happy. hypothetically

true. does feel true yet.

I need K to want K in order for me to be happy. Very true.

I need K to want for me to be happy. Truish. Need to

think on that. Do I want ? or just his desire for me?

True. If I am with someone I should want him and want to be

with him.

needs K to want for him to be happy. True. I

believe he suffers in the way I do.

Confusing.

Are there more? Why is this not settling like other inquiries?

This inquiry is difficult. so much stuff.

Heeeelp.

-KK