Guest guest Posted May 6, 2003 Report Share Posted May 6, 2003 Dear Maneesha, I am so thankful that you posted this piece, and that you are posting your work that is touched off by Siebe. Your story and work on your father took me to some un-worked places in my life, in relation especially to my grandfather and father, who i know both loved me dearly, but i've had the story that they were abusive in the way they expressed it. How long i've held onto the story that he should not have done ____, said ____, should have expressed his love in a way that i could understand, in a way that didn't hurt... Thank you for pointing to some places i need to go. I'm so happy you're here. I'm so happy i'm here. Love, Heidi > The work happens also in the sleep. This night I had a dream that I was > very, very angry with Siebe (the head of the school where I work) because > after a short time of being head of the school, he was leaving because he > got a big money offer to work somewhere else. He was very proud to share > with all the colleagues in a big meeting that he would leave the school. > I saw in my dream a few ways I could react: > *The whole Siebe, the school, the colleagues had nothing to do with my > real me, with who I really am. For to keep this awareness I had > not to talk with my colleagues, because I would be seduced to go in their > (and my) stories. > *I could react: showing my anger towards Siebe. In my dream I told > myself to go with the anger and tell him how I felt. Doing this I had voices > in my head telling me: " Is that true??? I cannot blame him for my feeling > etc... I heard that voice and went with the anger anyway... > I was very, very angry with Siebe and told him that: because of HIM I > lost my trust in anybody who would ever want to be head of the school > again... He dropped the school and everybody (including me) in it for money! > He had no morality and I found him a total ........(I cannot find the > translation of the word I look for...) > The most important thing for me to see was the huge anger I was feeling, I > felt dropped, not seen. I > made then and there a decision NEVER to TRUST any head of the school again. > > Waking up from this dream, my friend asked me when in my life I felt like > this and made this decision. > > I know and feel I made this decision when I was 6 years old towards my > father. > In that time my 8 year older brother was manipulating me to come to him late > in the evening to masturbate him. I promised him > never to talk about this with anybody. > After a long time I told my parents what " my brother told me to do " . > > The way specially my father reacted made that I decided never to trust him > again. From then on I thought he was a jerk and closed my heart for him. > (before this event I was very, very happy with my father). > His reaction was: he was trying to distract my attention, putting me on the > lap of my mother who was sitting in front of the window, talking about > " things on the street " . Then he disappeared to talk to my brother. > > As this 6 years old I wanted my father to protect me, to talk very angry to > my brother: that he never had to do this again otherwise he better would > leave the house. To talk openly with me, hold me in his arms and say that he > would take care that this thing would never happen again. > > Many times I have worked on this issue in my life (also in groups, therapy > etc.) Until now I never could see the impact of my own decision: I did not > trust my father, closed my heart for him, I felt a lot of guilt towards him > for treating him (in my mind many times) so badly. Another decision I made: > it is absolutely useless to speak up (when things are really touching my > heart). > > My father should have protected me and become angry with my brother. > My father should have been there for me. > My father should have listened to me when I told him " the big secret " . > > My father should have been there for me. > > 1. Yes. > The reality was: that he handled the situation in the way he thought was > best. > > 2. No > > 3. How do I react when I attach to this thought. > I feel anger and resentment. I feel worthless. I feel not seen, as if I > don't exist. > I feel very divided about people: either I trust them and I can be open to > them, they are in my heart or I distrust people and I keep them as far away > from me as possible. They are " out " . > It seems a part of me is missing. I feel easily that I am not supported, and > I have not the strength in myself to do that (backproblems...). > Many times I do things I find difficult with the same fear I > did it the first time. It is as if I cannot built any self confidence. > I make a big difference between people " out in the world " where still has to > be proved if I can trust them or not and my friends. I always keep a fear > for people from " out in the world " . I prefer to keep a low profile to see if > they can be trusted. > I divided my life in work, earning money, duty (out in the world) and my > save homelife (where I can be myself and let go). Everytime my holidays are > over and I have to switch to my work I have a huge resistance, because in a > way I always have a feeling I have to protect myself " out there " . > > 3a. Can I see a reason to drop this thought? Yes I do! > > 3b. Can I name one peaceful reason to keep this thought? No I don't > > 4. Who would I be without this thought? > I feel the love for my father and from my father. > I would just be, free, finding support from within, I would feel the whole > world is my " home " with everybody in it. I would have self- confidence and > see > that everybody is where he or she is at (including me and in the past my > dear father) and accept this. > > 5. TA. I should have been there for me. Yes! Because of my decisions I have > hurt myself a lot and went to split myself. > I should have been there for my father. Yes! I could have seen that he did > the very best he could do at that time where he was at. > > 6. I am willing to experience that somebody is " not there for me " . Then I > can investigate if I don't accept that reality. > I look forward to experience that somebody is " not there for me " . Yes I am > curious how I feel, and I always can investigate. Now I have the power to > take care of myself, to be there for me, to support myself if it is needed. > And in all of this I also can be there for you all....... > > Love....................Maneesha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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