Re: on my knees-

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Thank you all for your wonderful suggestions, I read them all and

found a way into the work on this. Mona, So glad my post resonated

with you and you felt like sharing your experiences with it-it was

very helpful to hear my story in your words. It shed some light on

my thought about this pain. I found it very helpful to begin to look

at the pains individually- they aren't so bad that way. And each one

I can find a positive situation where this pain was the outcome- thus

good pain.

Also found a much bigger story at work here- I don't deserve to be

happy. I don't deserve to live a long joyful life (especially a long

life in my mind- the only place I live anyway) thus these pains must

be the beginning of the end of the short lived happiness I was

beginning to experience in my life.

A few months ago I noticed that everything was starting to fall into

place- found a nice place to live, dating a wonderful man, selling a

lot of artwork, doing the work and feeling more at ease with my

thoughts- smiling a lot, laughing a lot....bliss, absolute daily

bliss for the first in so many years- suddenly in the midst of my new

found joy a mild chest pain began to creep up on me (had these chest

pains a year before and so I already had a big story about them). My

mind immediately began to fear the end of this beautiful life I was

beginning to have- " No I don't want it to go away- I am just starting

to get real comfortable here. " But an old thought got in the way of

this bliss the gift of this pain is that it is showing me that

thought crystal clear-I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve a

long joyful life.

So lets do work on these thoughts. Where did these thoughts

originate? When my mother was sick she always told me that she must

have done something very wrong in a past life to deserve this kind of

torture. So I decided that physical pain equals punishment for past

wrongs, now I can see that I still think physical pain equals

punishment for wrong thoughts. Must be secretly stressing out about

something to bring about this pain. So I do the work and I do the

work and the pain still comes.

Yes sweetheart the work does not stop a condition from happening it

stops the mind from attaching to the condition (wrote attacking -

thought it was a typo. attacking a condition- yes this is more

accurate!)

So I am attacking the pain- yes I am -when pain arises I begin to

think about everything I can do to get rid of it so that I can get

back to my good life. My thoughts are consumed with " this is the end

of my happiness, unless I can figure out what is wrong then I can buy

some more time. "

So sweetheart is it true that you do not deserve to be happy and live

a long life?

No

How do you live when you feel pain and you have this thought going?

I think- this is it, time to go. Just when it is getting good I am

going to be yanked from this joy and sent into a hell similar to the

one I thought my mother went through and then I will waste away and

die. I feel these pains and my mind goes to Cancer, heart disease,

AIDS terror punishment terror punishment terror! I look out at

myself, my life, my world and it all seems to be ending, saying

goodbye, weakening and shutting down. When the wind blows it feels

like a desolate waste land, when the sun shines it feels like a

baking hell, when my boyfriend holds me lovingly I feel hopeless

because it will end soon. Why bother painting when my life is going

to be over soon. Thoughts of a beautiful future- painful. I look in

the mirror and see my beautiful face dying, withering, ending soon. I

feel my body from the inside and think- frail, sick, something deadly

wrong. Even the beautiful sunsets out here look like they are in

pain. I can't see anything but my story- I am in the hell I thought

my mother went through before she died!

Yes sweetheart you are. Nothing to heal but that and this beautiful

pain will show you the way.

O.K.

So give me one good reason to keep this thought- you've been holding

onto this one pretty tenaciously- how is it serving you. What do you

get?

I get to feel hopeless, helpless- I get to stop rushing to try to

accomplish my lifes goal because I am going to die soon anyway- now I

can relax. I get to leave the house a mess, sleep in. I get sympathy

from my father, friends- from me! I feel sorry for myself, like I

did my mother when she was sick. She couldn't help it-the pain was

too great and out of her control and she had the right to take her

life and end the torture. TA- I have the right to take my life and

end my torture? YES, I AM ENDING MY LIFE OVER AND OVER EVERY OTHER

MINUTE IN MY MIND! THAT IS WHY I WANT DIAGNOSIS SO THAT I CAN SEE THE

END OF THE TORTURE. THIS STORY IS THE ONLY TORTURE!

Yes sweetheart.

How do I end this torture? I can feel this story coming up every

minute, sometimes every second especially when my chest hurts.

You buy yourself a travel notepad and you do the work every chance

you get- and you do it to end the internal torture not the physical

pain- the pain is the gift showing you the way- it will come and go,

none of your business, but what are your thoughts about this pain-

that is all you need to focus your attention on.

Do I keep going to doctors?

Yes sweetheart in the meantime you keep doing what you do- don't

sufocate your actions- you go to doctors, you said you wanted to try

an acupuncturist, maybe a natureopath, maybe a medicine man, or a

voodo witch doctor- have fun with it- try it all if you want- but in

the meantime keep giving you life inside.

So who would you be without this story- you do not deserve a long

happy life?

I would feel the pain and keep living and loving my long happy life

inside- it would just be physical pain- not my business and when I am

clear and get the thought to go see someone about it I would just go.

I would love my wonderful thoughts about a beautiful long future.

Since mind is the only place the future lives anyway- I would give

myself a good future! Yes, and a good past! And the present will

just live there weaving itself between those two beautiful stories.

And then the sunrise and the sunset would be my beautiful past and

future and the hours between would just glow. It is all my story!

thank you

le

[Guest guest]

Dear le,

I have enjoyed your posts across the time...

You mentioned your mother's illness and I have a question

for you to consider. How old was your mother when she died

and what month? Sometimes people will develop symptoms at

the age their parent died or the anniversary of when they died, if

they dont feel they deserve to live longer than their parent.

Just a shot in the dark . If it doesnt apply to you maybe the

concept will help someone else on the list.

Love, Lynn

> Hi,

> Thank you all for your wonderful suggestions, I read them all

and

> found a way into the work on this. Mona, So glad my post

resonated

> with you and you felt like sharing your experiences with it-it was

> very helpful to hear my story in your words. It shed some light

on

> my thought about this pain. I found it very helpful to begin to

look

> at the pains individually- they aren't so bad that way. And each

one

> I can find a positive situation where this pain was the outcome-

thus

> good pain.

>

> Also found a much bigger story at work here- I don't deserve to

be

> happy. I don't deserve to live a long joyful life (especially a long

> life in my mind- the only place I live anyway) thus these pains

must

> be the beginning of the end of the short lived happiness I was

> beginning to experience in my life.

>

> A few months ago I noticed that everything was starting to fall

into

> place- found a nice place to live, dating a wonderful man,

selling a

> lot of artwork, doing the work and feeling more at ease with my

> thoughts- smiling a lot, laughing a lot....bliss, absolute daily

> bliss for the first in so many years- suddenly in the midst of my

new

> found joy a mild chest pain began to creep up on me (had

these chest

> pains a year before and so I already had a big story about

them). My

> mind immediately began to fear the end of this beautiful life I

was

> beginning to have- " No I don't want it to go away- I am just

starting

> to get real comfortable here. " But an old thought got in the way

of

> this bliss the gift of this pain is that it is showing me that

> thought crystal clear-I don't deserve to be happy. I don't

deserve a

> long joyful life.

>

> So lets do work on these thoughts. Where did these thoughts

> originate? When my mother was sick she always told me that

she must

> have done something very wrong in a past life to deserve this

kind of

> torture. So I decided that physical pain equals punishment for

past

> wrongs, now I can see that I still think physical pain equals

> punishment for wrong thoughts. Must be secretly stressing out

about

> something to bring about this pain. So I do the work and I do

the

> work and the pain still comes.

>

> Yes sweetheart the work does not stop a condition from

happening it

> stops the mind from attaching to the condition (wrote attacking

-

> thought it was a typo. attacking a condition- yes this is more

> accurate!)

>

> So I am attacking the pain- yes I am -when pain arises I begin

to

> think about everything I can do to get rid of it so that I can get

> back to my good life. My thoughts are consumed with " this is

the end

> of my happiness, unless I can figure out what is wrong then I

can buy

> some more time. "

>

> So sweetheart is it true that you do not deserve to be happy

and live

> a long life?

> No

>

> How do you live when you feel pain and you have this thought

going?

> I think- this is it, time to go. Just when it is getting good I am

> going to be yanked from this joy and sent into a hell similar to

the

> one I thought my mother went through and then I will waste

away and

> die. I feel these pains and my mind goes to Cancer, heart

disease,

> AIDS terror punishment terror punishment terror! I look out at

> myself, my life, my world and it all seems to be ending, saying

> goodbye, weakening and shutting down. When the wind blows

it feels

> like a desolate waste land, when the sun shines it feels like a

> baking hell, when my boyfriend holds me lovingly I feel

hopeless

> because it will end soon. Why bother painting when my life is

going

> to be over soon. Thoughts of a beautiful future- painful. I look

in

> the mirror and see my beautiful face dying, withering, ending

soon. I

> feel my body from the inside and think- frail, sick, something

deadly

> wrong. Even the beautiful sunsets out here look like they are in

> pain. I can't see anything but my story- I am in the hell I thought

> my mother went through before she died!

>

> Yes sweetheart you are. Nothing to heal but that and this

beautiful

> pain will show you the way.

>

> O.K.

>

> So give me one good reason to keep this thought- you've been

holding

> onto this one pretty tenaciously- how is it serving you. What do

you

> get?

>

> I get to feel hopeless, helpless- I get to stop rushing to try to

> accomplish my lifes goal because I am going to die soon

anyway- now I

> can relax. I get to leave the house a mess, sleep in. I get

sympathy

> from my father, friends- from me! I feel sorry for myself, like I

> did my mother when she was sick. She couldn't help it-the

pain was

> too great and out of her control and she had the right to take

her

> life and end the torture. TA- I have the right to take my life and

> end my torture? YES, I AM ENDING MY LIFE OVER AND OVER

EVERY OTHER

> MINUTE IN MY MIND! THAT IS WHY I WANT DIAGNOSIS SO

THAT I CAN SEE THE

> END OF THE TORTURE. THIS STORY IS THE ONLY

TORTURE!

>

> Yes sweetheart.

>

> How do I end this torture? I can feel this story coming up every

> minute, sometimes every second especially when my chest

hurts.

>

> You buy yourself a travel notepad and you do the work every

chance

> you get- and you do it to end the internal torture not the physical

> pain- the pain is the gift showing you the way- it will come and

go,

> none of your business, but what are your thoughts about this

pain-

> that is all you need to focus your attention on.

>

> Do I keep going to doctors?

>

> Yes sweetheart in the meantime you keep doing what you do-

don't

> sufocate your actions- you go to doctors, you said you wanted

to try

> an acupuncturist, maybe a natureopath, maybe a medicine

man, or a

> voodo witch doctor- have fun with it- try it all if you want- but in

> the meantime keep giving you life inside.

>

> So who would you be without this story- you do not deserve a

long

> happy life?

>

> I would feel the pain and keep living and loving my long happy

life

> inside- it would just be physical pain- not my business and

when I am

> clear and get the thought to go see someone about it I would

just go.

> I would love my wonderful thoughts about a beautiful long

future.

> Since mind is the only place the future lives anyway- I would

give

> myself a good future! Yes, and a good past! And the present

will

> just live there weaving itself between those two beautiful

stories.

> And then the sunrise and the sunset would be my beautiful

past and

> future and the hours between would just glow. It is all my story!

>

> thank you

> le