RE: Just a Story

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/1/2003 12:52:26 PM Pacific Standard Time,

theslaw@... writes:

> I'm sitting here in pain, and I find it hard to believe that I am just

> telling myself a story. It so engulfs my body, my senses, my awareness.

>

> I really don't trust that it is just my story.

>

> Now what?

>

> Steve

So if it's not your story, what do you think it is? Does thinking that it's

something besides a story make you feel better about it?

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/1/2003 1:11:32 PM Pacific Standard Time,

theslaw@... writes:

> Mona:

> In those moments I think it's real, the truth, the permanent way of

> existing. I think it's me.

> No, it doesn't make me feel better about it.

>

> In those times, I just feel so powerless to change anything, to even do

> the work, to trust the work will do anything for me, that doing anything

> will make any kind of difference. Deep despair about ever being happy,

> and in charge of my life.

What do you want right now, Steve?

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/1/2003 1:59:01 PM Pacific Standard Time,

theslaw@... writes:

> Peace, relief

>

Ok. So I hear you want peace and relief.

Is that true? Really ask yourself if it is.

Don't you ultimately want what is in your best interest?

How do you react when you think you want peace and relief..and you don't

think that you have it right now?

Even if you've experienced peace before, can you really know that if you

experienced it right now that you'd like it?

The thoughts that are going through my mind are asking...what is peace? And

when I come up with a definition of what it is, can I really know that that's

what it is? If I don't really know what peace is, then how do I know that I

want it?

Maybe what you're experiencing right now *is* peace, Steve -- it's the amount

of peace that is available to you right now, and you're not able to enjoy it

because you're thinking of some other elusive peace from the past or the in

the future. What kind of peaceful things are you missing out on in your

environment right now because you're thinking about peace looking a certain

way?

And if you find that you do really want peace and relief, what are you

willing to do for it? Are you willing to wait around for it? To ask for

help? To do the Work? To search for it? What are you willing to do for this

thing that you want so much?

This place you're in right now is the perfect place for you right now. You

just might not notice it yet.

Love,

*mona

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 4/1/2003 12:52:26 PM Pacific Standard Time, Steve C:

I'm sitting here in pain, and I find it hard to believe that I am just

telling myself a story. It so engulfs my body, my senses, my

awareness.

I really don't trust that it is just my story.

Now what?

Steve

-----------------

Mona replies:

So if it's not your story, what do you think it is? Does thinking that

it's

something besides a story make you feel better about it?

Mona

----------------

Steve replies:

Mona:

In those moments I think it's real, the truth, the permanent way of

existing. I think it's me.

No, it doesn't make me feel better about it.

In those times, I just feel so powerless to change anything, to even do

the work, to trust the work will do anything for me, that doing anything

will make any kind of difference. Deep despair about ever being happy,

and in charge of my life.

Steve

[Guest guest]

hi sweet slaw,

in the old days, katie used to ask the question, what does it get you to hold

this belief ? it has often helped me to look at what the belief holds for me in

what it does for me- the " good " stuff or at least the stuff i feel addicted to-

why i didn't let go-

and with the ahhhhhhhhh- sometimes was the realise to act and change my

thinking, or my way of doing things, or my habit- whatever it was that was

causing me the suffering i seemed addicted to. with many hugs, lovingly

wauwie

[Guest guest]

mmmm that should be release ( i wrote combination of release and

realize!-hahhah)

[Guest guest]

Wauwie

Let's see if I've got this. So in the case of my declining stock price,

what holding on gets me, is the possibility that I can make a " good "

stock decision, not be a financially failure.

Is this what you are talking about?

Or is it on the order of:

If I don't decide, I don't have to be responsible, I don't have to risk

failure.

Steve

Re: Just a Story

hi sweet slaw,

in the old days, katie used to ask the question, what does it get you

to hold this belief ? it has often helped me to look at what the belief

holds for me in what it does for me- the " good " stuff or at least the

stuff i feel addicted to- why i didn't let go-

and with the ahhhhhhhhh- sometimes was the realise to act and change my

thinking, or my way of doing things, or my habit- whatever it was that

was causing me the suffering i seemed addicted to. with many hugs,

lovingly wauwie

[Guest guest]

Peace, relief

Re: Just a Story

In a message dated 4/1/2003 1:11:32 PM Pacific Standard Time,

theslaw@... writes:

> Mona:

> In those moments I think it's real, the truth, the permanent way of

> existing. I think it's me. No, it doesn't make me feel better about

> it.

>

> In those times, I just feel so powerless to change anything, to even

> do the work, to trust the work will do anything for me, that doing

> anything will make any kind of difference. Deep despair about ever

> being happy, and in charge of my life.

What do you want right now, Steve?

[Guest guest]

mmmmm i was responding to

I just feel so powerless to change anything, to even do

the work, to trust the work will do anything for me, that doing anything will

make any kind of difference. Deep despair about ever being happy,

and in charge of my life.

and i found that when i had that story at times, i really liked being a martyr,

and i believed that people would think i was " good " because i was a martyr and

so STWONG in the face of adversity. sometimes i noticed that i liked being the

victim- i held the belief that people would think i was " helpless " and then they

would take care of me and love me more, pay more attention to me. i was in a

prayer group years ago, where i was often the main one prayed about- and i liked

that. sometimes i still notice if i am in that story-oh yeah there's the victim

thing again....and sometimes i just notice and go on and sometimes i wallow as

if in a bubble bath-mmmmm love that victim thing!

i don't know what your beliefs do for you sweet swaw, i just love that you share

with us so openly. *kiss* lovingly laurie

[Guest guest]

Laurie

I am becoming increasingly aware of how much I am afraid to take charge

of my life. I don't think of it as martyr, more of helpless. Yechh.

Can't decide whether to cry of puke.

Steve

PS - I notice that I ache for people to respond to my emails lovingly.

Now what was that prayer? God grant me freedom from seeking Love,

Acceptance, or Affection.

Re: Just a Story

mmmmm i was responding to

I just feel so powerless to change anything, to even do

the work, to trust the work will do anything for me, that doing anything

will make any kind of difference. Deep despair about ever being happy,

and in charge of my life.

and i found that when i had that story at times, i really liked being a

martyr, and i believed that people would think i was " good " because i

was a martyr and so STWONG in the face of adversity. sometimes i

noticed that i liked being the victim- i held the belief that people

would think i was " helpless " and then they would take care of me and

love me more, pay more attention to me. i was in a prayer group years

ago, where i was often the main one prayed about- and i liked that.

sometimes i still notice if i am in that story-oh yeah there's the

victim thing again....and sometimes i just notice and go on and

sometimes i wallow as if in a bubble bath-mmmmm love that victim thing!

i don't know what your beliefs do for you sweet swaw, i just love that

you share with us so openly. *kiss* lovingly laurie

[Guest guest]

Mona

Initially I was overwhelmed, when I thought of answering your questions.

I got clarity from what you and others wrote. I want relief from the

suffering. Yet I am afraid to take responsibility for my life. This

acerbates the suffering.

So I am not willing to take responsibility till I do.

I am willing to be powerless, helpless, a victim, until I want something

more than that.

Being this is giving me, safety from choices (not from the consequences

of not making choices). " If I don't choose, I can't fail. " " I can't

fall out of bed, if I sleep on the floor. "

I guess I won't be ready to fall out of bed, till I am. I don't know if

I am ready to face the reality and consequences of my powerlessness

thinking. This is interesting because that means I am not ready to face

choosing or the consequences of not choosing, yet the consequences occur

and when they occur, I still notice them and spiral deeper into

self-recrimination for not being able to take care of myself.

So, I have created a perfectly painful Catch-22, that just increases the

pain. And it seems the only way out is the truth and that scares me. I

guess I'm afraid that I will find that I AM A FAILURE. And that would

mean??

I am writing this, because I feel my anger and frustration with myself.

In writing this, I find a seeping in of some compassion for me, the

little kid, who as been afraid to be an adult in this world for as far

back as I can remember.

I'm too little.

It's too scary.

I'm a failure.

I can't face reality.

Any other comments and feedback?

Steve

Re: Just a Story

In a message dated 4/1/2003 1:59:01 PM Pacific Standard Time,

theslaw@... writes:

> Peace, relief

>

Ok. So I hear you want peace and relief.

Is that true? Really ask yourself if it is.

Don't you ultimately want what is in your best interest?

How do you react when you think you want peace and relief..and you don't

think that you have it right now?

Even if you've experienced peace before, can you really know that if you

experienced it right now that you'd like it?

The thoughts that are going through my mind are asking...what is peace?

And

when I come up with a definition of what it is, can I really know that

that's

what it is? If I don't really know what peace is, then how do I know

that I

want it?

Maybe what you're experiencing right now *is* peace, Steve -- it's the

amount

of peace that is available to you right now, and you're not able to

enjoy it

because you're thinking of some other elusive peace from the past or the

in

the future. What kind of peaceful things are you missing out on in your

environment right now because you're thinking about peace looking a

certain

way?

And if you find that you do really want peace and relief, what are you

willing to do for it? Are you willing to wait around for it? To ask for

help? To do the Work? To search for it? What are you willing to do for

this

thing that you want so much?

This place you're in right now is the perfect place for you right now.

You

just might not notice it yet.

Love,

*mona