(OT) Ah Ah moment from TV program this morning

[Guest guest]

Good evening everyone!

I was watching Oprah's Super Soul Sunday featuring Iyanlla Vanzandt this

morning.  Iyanla talked about how when we've been hurt or abused as kids; we

have to decide as adults to either reject or accept that it happened.  However;

the experience as kids creates a wound that bleeds into our present until we get

into the core of the pain and heal it.  It will show up into how we manage our

life today.  She said the wound will continue to come forth until healed via

similiar feelings in our present.

 

As I was thinking about that, my thoughts went to what I do with food today.  As

a child being abused, the only thing I could control was my food.  No matter

what anyone did; they couldn't control what I put in my mouth.  I binged on

candy at a General Store we ran at 9 years of age.  I binged on my mom's frozen

pies in the freezer as a toodler.  I binged on Pay-Day candy bars for lunch in

high school.  I binge today on cupcakes, cookies, candy and ice cream.

 

I know as a teenager, I would steal my stepdad's snack cakes for his lunch out

of the freezer and then binge on them.  I  would then get beat for doing so. 

The actual memory must be really bad because I've blocked the specifics around

what happened after each incident and am only left with the knowing in my gut

that I got beat.  Beat is a pretty strong word to be left with.

 

My " ah ah " moment is that the " way " I " show them " today is to now eat whatever I

want as an adult; especially " binge whenever I want to " .  The irony is that I

then " beat " myself up for doing so.  

So, for today, I forgive myself for judging myself as " bad " because I've abused

food and also for beating myself up for doing so.  In reality, I was simply

repeating what I had been taught to do as a kid.

 

Now the question for me is....what do I do with that information and how do I

put a stop to doing that?   

[Guest guest]

Wow, that's exactly what I used to do too. I horded food from the fridge

and the cupboard in my room. When I got caught I would get beat too, with

a wooden spoon or a belt. It never stopped me from doing that. I still

horde food, even though I no longer need too.

You know what kills me the most? My son does it too. I don't beat him for

it, but he does get in trouble, mostly because of the frustration of him

eating all the food in the house, but also because he leaves food in his

room to rot. I worry that he will develop weight issues because of this.

It's awful to see it happening in the next generation and feeling so

powerful to stop it.

> **

>

>

> Good evening everyone!

> I was watching Oprah's Super Soul Sunday featuring Iyanlla Vanzandt this

> morning. Iyanla talked about how when we've been hurt or abused as kids;

> we have to decide as adults to either reject or accept that it happened.

> However; the experience as kids creates a wound that bleeds into our

> present until we get into the core of the pain and heal it. It will show

> up into how we manage our life today. She said the wound will continue to

> come forth until healed via similiar feelings in our present.

>

> As I was thinking about that, my thoughts went to what I do with food

> today. As a child being abused, the only thing I could control was my

> food. No matter what anyone did; they couldn't control what I put in my

> mouth. I binged on candy at a General Store we ran at 9 years of age. I

> binged on my mom's frozen pies in the freezer as a toodler. I binged on

> Pay-Day candy bars for lunch in high school. I binge today on cupcakes,

> cookies, candy and ice cream.

>

> I know as a teenager, I would steal my stepdad's snack cakes for his lunch

> out of the freezer and then binge on them. I would then get beat for

> doing so. The actual memory must be really bad because I've blocked the

> specifics around what happened after each incident and am only left with

> the knowing in my gut that I got beat. Beat is a pretty strong word to be

> left with.

>

> My " ah ah " moment is that the " way " I " show them " today is to now eat

> whatever I want as an adult; especially " binge whenever I want to " . The

> irony is that I then " beat " myself up for doing so.

> So, for today, I forgive myself for judging myself as " bad " because I've

> abused food and also for beating myself up for doing so. In reality, I was

> simply repeating what I had been taught to do as a kid.

>

> Now the question for me is....what do I do with that information and

> how do I put a stop to doing that?

>

>

[Guest guest]

This idea of hoarding food is interesting to me.  I am not a food hoarder. 

In truth I am the opposite and have to remind myself to purchase food for the

pantry because other people live here.   I come from a family with more than a

few members who have issues with food.  My sister was put on a diet by

my mother who never discussed such things, just began packing her cottage

cheese and carrots for lunch at the age of 10.  I turned to anorexia around

the age of 12 or 13.  I am quite certain that my mother was/is bulimic.  But

my brother who was a rather pudgy prepubescent teen hoarded food.  Under his

bed was a huge stash of food, that frequently stunk.  I don't think that he was

ever punished.  Infact, I expect that like so many other things in my home he

thought it was a secret but it was actually known.  My mother had a hard time

confronting " problems " .  Very early on in my eating disordered life I took

Ipecac to purge and while my mom

was driving ended up purging in the van on the floor.  My mother never even

asked about that and I never said anything.  In the past ten years both my

mother and sister have had bypass surgery that has been awful on their bodies

and in my sisters case was only a temporary fix (if contemplating this, please

dont!)

 

My mother was a perfectionist but she would never have beat us.  She needed

and wanted to be the perfect mother and atleast I wanted to help her believe

she was.  She loved us and wanted the best for us. It makes me wonder exactly

what the hoarding was about.  My mother prepared three meals a day that we had

to sit at the table for - We battled for years about the fact that I was not

eating.  My father owned a store so not only were the cabinets full to bursting

we had access to aisle after aisle of food.  Maybe understanding what was

happening in our home that made my brother a food hoarder would shed more light

on why I have the issues I have with eating and food.

 

Any thoughts about the hoarding?

  Livingston

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Sunday, January 29, 2012 7:20 PM

Subject: Re: (OT) Ah Ah moment from TV program this

morning

 

Wow, that's exactly what I used to do too. I horded food from the fridge

and the cupboard in my room. When I got caught I would get beat too, with

a wooden spoon or a belt. It never stopped me from doing that. I still

horde food, even though I no longer need too.

You know what kills me the most? My son does it too. I don't beat him for

it, but he does get in trouble, mostly because of the frustration of him

eating all the food in the house, but also because he leaves food in his

room to rot. I worry that he will develop weight issues because of this.

It's awful to see it happening in the next generation and feeling so

powerful to stop it.

> **

>

>

> Good evening everyone!

> I was watching Oprah's Super Soul Sunday featuring Iyanlla Vanzandt this

> morning. Iyanla talked about how when we've been hurt or abused as kids;

> we have to decide as adults to either reject or accept that it happened.

> However; the experience as kids creates a wound that bleeds into our

> present until we get into the core of the pain and heal it. It will show

> up into how we manage our life today. She said the wound will continue to

> come forth until healed via similiar feelings in our present.

>

> As I was thinking about that, my thoughts went to what I do with food

> today. As a child being abused, the only thing I could control was my

> food. No matter what anyone did; they couldn't control what I put in my

> mouth. I binged on candy at a General Store we ran at 9 years of age. I

> binged on my mom's frozen pies in the freezer as a toodler. I binged on

> Pay-Day candy bars for lunch in high school. I binge today on cupcakes,

> cookies, candy and ice cream.

>

> I know as a teenager, I would steal my stepdad's snack cakes for his lunch

> out of the freezer and then binge on them. I would then get beat for

> doing so. The actual memory must be really bad because I've blocked the

> specifics around what happened after each incident and am only left with

> the knowing in my gut that I got beat. Beat is a pretty strong word to be

> left with.

>

> My " ah ah " moment is that the " way " I " show them " today is to now eat

> whatever I want as an adult; especially " binge whenever I want to " . The

> irony is that I then " beat " myself up for doing so.

> So, for today, I forgive myself for judging myself as " bad " because I've

> abused food and also for beating myself up for doing so. In reality, I was

> simply repeating what I had been taught to do as a kid.

>

> Now the question for me is....what do I do with that information and

> how do I put a stop to doing that?

>

>

[Guest guest]

I used to sneak food, and still do to this day.. but never actually hoarded it.

Only because I'd be fearful of the embarrassment of being found out. I think

part of it is the same philosophy as cramming stuff into our mouth in a binge,

or not eating at all (anorexia), or purging (bulimia). It is a form of

rebellion and control. It is one of the few things we have total control over.

The hoarder probably thinks (subconsciously or consciously) there is or will be

a shortage and so it makes sense for them to get it while they can. Don't know

for sure... just thinking out loud..

[Guest guest]

So very true. And the more we hide food the more guilty we feel and eat

more.

From: insideoutweightloss

[mailto:insideoutweightloss ] On Behalf Of Judy

Sent: Tuesday, January 31, 2012 1:25 AM

To: insideoutweightloss

Subject: Re: (OT) Ah Ah moment from TV program this

morning

I used to sneak food, and still do to this day.. but never actually hoarded

it. Only because I'd be fearful of the embarrassment of being found out. I

think part of it is the same philosophy as cramming stuff into our mouth in

a binge, or not eating at all (anorexia), or purging (bulimia). It is a form

of rebellion and control. It is one of the few things we have total control

over. The hoarder probably thinks (subconsciously or consciously) there is

or will be a shortage and so it makes sense for them to get it while they

can. Don't know for sure... just thinking out loud..

[Guest guest]

Great thought Judy! Thanks for sharing.

[Guest guest]

great insight! Thanks so much for sharing.

 

I have also had access to an abundance of food all my life (my father had a

supermarket and restaurants) yet I can always remember myself in some ways

" hoarding " food. My pantry is always full to bursting. Nowadays it's more likely

to be healthy foods like nuts and pita bread but there's still more food than we

could eat in a week and I NEVER go out without a snack in my bad. Again more

healthy but the idea of " my blood sugar dropping " and being without food is a

terrible thought. If my husband and I go away for the weekend, I will definitely

have a small stash of snack foods in my suitcase (nuts/raisins, a few protein

bars, some dried fruits).

I do know that it's not about the type of food for me, just the fact that if I

need food, it will be there. If I need it for energy, for comfort, for a mouth

party.

I'd love to get behind the reasoning here as well. 

I know that food was always in short supply when my dad was growing up (9

children) and he always  placed a big importance on our having enough to eat.

So is the hoarding/overeating a way to nourish myself? Our pantry was always

full when I was growing up so do I continue to overstock mine just a habit from

my parent's home? When my kids were small, I always carried healthy snacks for

them so is this a carry over from then? Do I carry the snacks in case I'll need

something to eat that's healthy or so that I won't be caught without food to

snack on??

 

 

 

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Monday, January 30, 2012 6:16 AM

Subject: Re: (OT) Ah Ah moment from TV program this

morning

 

This idea of hoarding food is interesting to me.  I am not a food hoarder. 

In truth I am the opposite and have to remind myself to purchase food for the

pantry because other people live here.   I come from a family with more than a

few members who have issues with food.  My sister was put on a diet by

my mother who never discussed such things, just began packing her cottage

cheese and carrots for lunch at the age of 10.  I turned to anorexia around

the age of 12 or 13.  I am quite certain that my mother was/is bulimic.  But

my brother who was a rather pudgy prepubescent teen hoarded food.  Under his

bed was a huge stash of food, that frequently stunk.  I don't think that he was

ever punished.  Infact, I expect that like so many other things in my home he

thought it was a secret but it was actually known.  My mother had a hard time

confronting " problems " .  Very early on in my eating disordered life I took

Ipecac to purge and while my mom

was driving ended up purging in the van on the floor.  My mother never even

asked about that and I never said anything.  In the past ten years both my

mother and sister have had bypass surgery that has been awful on their bodies

and in my sisters case was only a temporary fix (if contemplating this, please

dont!)

 

My mother was a perfectionist but she would never have beat us.  She needed

and wanted to be the perfect mother and atleast I wanted to help her believe

she was.  She loved us and wanted the best for us. It makes me wonder exactly

what the hoarding was about.  My mother prepared three meals a day that we had

to sit at the table for - We battled for years about the fact that I was not

eating.  My father owned a store so not only were the cabinets full to bursting

we had access to aisle after aisle of food.  Maybe understanding what was

happening in our home that made my brother a food hoarder would shed more light

on why I have the issues I have with eating and food.

 

Any thoughts about the hoarding?

  Livingston

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Sent: Sunday, January 29, 2012 7:20 PM

Subject: Re: (OT) Ah Ah moment from TV program this

morning

 

Wow, that's exactly what I used to do too. I horded food from the fridge

and the cupboard in my room. When I got caught I would get beat too, with

a wooden spoon or a belt. It never stopped me from doing that. I still

horde food, even though I no longer need too.

You know what kills me the most? My son does it too. I don't beat him for

it, but he does get in trouble, mostly because of the frustration of him

eating all the food in the house, but also because he leaves food in his

room to rot. I worry that he will develop weight issues because of this.

It's awful to see it happening in the next generation and feeling so

powerful to stop it.

> **

>

>

> Good evening everyone!

> I was watching Oprah's Super Soul Sunday featuring Iyanlla Vanzandt this

> morning. Iyanla talked about how when we've been hurt or abused as kids;

> we have to decide as adults to either reject or accept that it happened.

> However; the experience as kids creates a wound that bleeds into our

> present until we get into the core of the pain and heal it. It will show

> up into how we manage our life today. She said the wound will continue to

> come forth until healed via similiar feelings in our present.

>

> As I was thinking about that, my thoughts went to what I do with food

> today. As a child being abused, the only thing I could control was my

> food. No matter what anyone did; they couldn't control what I put in my

> mouth. I binged on candy at a General Store we ran at 9 years of age. I

> binged on my mom's frozen pies in the freezer as a toodler. I binged on

> Pay-Day candy bars for lunch in high school. I binge today on cupcakes,

> cookies, candy and ice cream.

>

> I know as a teenager, I would steal my stepdad's snack cakes for his lunch

> out of the freezer and then binge on them. I would then get beat for

> doing so. The actual memory must be really bad because I've blocked the

> specifics around what happened after each incident and am only left with

> the knowing in my gut that I got beat. Beat is a pretty strong word to be

> left with.

>

> My " ah ah " moment is that the " way " I " show them " today is to now eat

> whatever I want as an adult; especially " binge whenever I want to " . The

> irony is that I then " beat " myself up for doing so.

> So, for today, I forgive myself for judging myself as " bad " because I've

> abused food and also for beating myself up for doing so. In reality, I was

> simply repeating what I had been taught to do as a kid.

>

> Now the question for me is....what do I do with that information and

> how do I put a stop to doing that?

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think you have a point. Your posting really helped me to think. As

children and teenagers binging may have been one way we could rebel without our

parents finding out or at least it may have been an easier way to

rebel...Especially is the parents had to have total control. I know that you

still got caught but maybe not often? And maybe the parties in your mouth made

it worth it?

And I think I feel like you do about my binges today... " I'll show them " . " I'm

the one who's in control here " when in reality i'm usually mad as hell and have

no way to express it so I'm totally out of control once I start eating sugary

foods.

Wow what a discovery.

By the way, I practically grew up in a supermarket and then a series of

restaurants so I was surrounded by food all day. I grew up helping out my

parents from a very young age and used food as a companion and as comfort. Did

you do this too?

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Cc: Phyllis D

Sent: Monday, January 30, 2012 1:27 AM

Subject: (OT) Ah Ah moment from TV program this morning

 

Good evening everyone!

I was watching Oprah's Super Soul Sunday featuring Iyanlla Vanzandt this

morning.  Iyanla talked about how when we've been hurt or abused as kids; we

have to decide as adults to either reject or accept that it happened.  However;

the experience as kids creates a wound that bleeds into our present until we get

into the core of the pain and heal it.  It will show up into how we manage our

life today.  She said the wound will continue to come forth until healed via

similiar feelings in our present.

 

As I was thinking about that, my thoughts went to what I do with food today. 

As a child being abused, the only thing I could control was my food.  No matter

what anyone did; they couldn't control what I put in my mouth.  I binged on

candy at a General Store we ran at 9 years of age.  I binged on my mom's frozen

pies in the freezer as a toodler.  I binged on Pay-Day candy bars for

lunch in high school.  I binge today on cupcakes, cookies, candy and ice

cream.

 

I know as a teenager, I would steal my stepdad's snack cakes for his lunch out

of the freezer and then binge on them.  I  would then get beat for doing so. 

The actual memory must be really bad because I've blocked the specifics around

what happened after each incident and am only left with the knowing in my gut

that I got beat.  Beat is a pretty strong word to be left with.

 

My " ah ah " moment is that the " way " I " show them " today is to now eat whatever I

want as an adult; especially " binge whenever I want to " .  The irony is that I

then " beat " myself up for doing so.  

So, for today, I forgive myself for judging myself as " bad " because I've abused

food and also for beating myself up for doing so.  In reality, I was simply

repeating what I had been taught to do as a kid.

 

Now the question for me is....what do I do with that information and how do I

put a stop to doing that?   

[Guest guest]

, yes I did help at a very young age at an old time General Store for

about a year. My mom and step dad ran a lake and General Store. I was about 9

at the time and would be left alone to run the General Store. I can remember

climbing up on the bins and watching for either of them to come back…while all

the time stuffing my face with candy bars and drinking pop. My first real

memory of sexual abuse happened at this time also but believe it happened at a

younger age because of all of the memory holes and the fact that I was abused by

more than one person from the age of 9 on. I seemed to draw them to me for some

reason. ☹. Interestingly, I can remember every room of the farmhouse except

for the bedroom us 3 kids slept in. I think sugar was my drug of choice to numb

out from what was going on around me and to me. It was my friend and my

comforter. I remember hearing one time that we may start something for one

reason but continue it because it becomes a habit. I think that is what

happened with me and sugar. It was like a drug and it was the only thing I had

any control over.

Ford CPhT

340B Coordinator

Mercy Sisters of Mercy Health Systems

Pharmacy Services

Springfield, MO. 65804

Ph#

linda.ford@...

" Sometimes God allows us to see the miracle. Sometimes God allows us to BE the

miracle. "

Mercy.... One of the Nation's Top Integrated Health Systems

From: insideoutweightloss

[mailto:insideoutweightloss ] On Behalf Of e v

Sent: Tuesday, January 31, 2012 6:22 AM

To: insideoutweightloss

Subject: Re: (OT) Ah Ah moment from TV program this

morning

I think you have a point. Your posting really helped me to think. As

children and teenagers binging may have been one way we could rebel without our

parents finding out or at least it may have been an easier way to

rebel...Especially is the parents had to have total control. I know that you

still got caught but maybe not often? And maybe the parties in your mouth made

it worth it?

And I think I feel like you do about my binges today... " I'll show them " . " I'm

the one who's in control here " when in reality i'm usually mad as hell and have

no way to express it so I'm totally out of control once I start eating sugary

foods.

Wow what a discovery.

By the way, I practically grew up in a supermarket and then a series of

restaurants so I was surrounded by food all day. I grew up helping out my

parents from a very young age and used food as a companion and as comfort. Did

you do this too?

________________________________

From: linda ford <scooterlady1216@...<mailto:scooterlady1216%40att.net>>

To:

insideoutweightloss <mailto:insideoutweightloss%40yahoogroups.com\

>

Cc: Phyllis D <taterlady1@...<mailto:taterlady1%40sbcglobal.net>>

Sent: Monday, January 30, 2012 1:27 AM

Subject: (OT) Ah Ah moment from TV program this morning

Good evening everyone!

I was watching Oprah's Super Soul Sunday featuring Iyanlla Vanzandt this

morning. Iyanla talked about how when we've been hurt or abused as kids; we

have to decide as adults to either reject or accept that it happened. However;

the experience as kids creates a wound that bleeds into our present until we get

into the core of the pain and heal it. It will show up into how we manage our

life today. She said the wound will continue to come forth until healed via

similiar feelings in our present.

As I was thinking about that, my thoughts went to what I do with food today. As

a child being abused, the only thing I could control was my food. No matter

what anyone did; they couldn't control what I put in my mouth. I binged on

candy at a General Store we ran at 9 years of age. I binged on my mom's frozen

pies in the freezer as a toodler. I binged on Pay-Day candy bars for lunch in

high school. I binge today on cupcakes, cookies, candy and ice cream.

I know as a teenager, I would steal my stepdad's snack cakes for his lunch out

of the freezer and then binge on them. I would then get beat for doing so.

The actual memory must be really bad because I've blocked the specifics around

what happened after each incident and am only left with the knowing in my gut

that I got beat. Beat is a pretty strong word to be left with.

My " ah ah " moment is that the " way " I " show them " today is to now eat whatever I

want as an adult; especially " binge whenever I want to " . The irony is that I

then " beat " myself up for doing so.

So, for today, I forgive myself for judging myself as " bad " because I've abused

food and also for beating myself up for doing so. In reality, I was simply

repeating what I had been taught to do as a kid.

Now the question for me is....what do I do with that information and how do I

put a stop to doing that?

[Guest guest]

This is an interesting thread to me too because I grew up working in my dads

store and surrounded by food all the time as well. But unlike everyone else in

my family I was quick to get a job at 14 so that I could have a life away from

the constant work (though it was a lot of fun too).  In my home if you were

found laying about, wasting time you would get a list of work that needed to be

done at the store.  Have fun.  Work hard.  But do not be lazy was the

message.

 

--fyi.  the abuse thing is a big issue for me too.  You are not alone.

  Livingston

________________________________

To: " insideoutweightloss " <insideoutweightloss >

Sent: Tuesday, January 31, 2012 6:22 AM

Subject: Re: (OT) Ah Ah moment from TV program this

morning

 

I think you have a point. Your posting really helped me to think. As

children and teenagers binging may have been one way we could rebel without our

parents finding out or at least it may have been an easier way to

rebel...Especially is the parents had to have total control. I know that you

still got caught but maybe not often? And maybe the parties in your mouth made

it worth it?

And I think I feel like you do about my binges today... " I'll show them " . " I'm

the one who's in control here " when in reality i'm usually mad as hell and have

no way to express it so I'm totally out of control once I start eating sugary

foods.

Wow what a discovery.

By the way, I practically grew up in a supermarket and then a series of

restaurants so I was surrounded by food all day. I grew up helping out my

parents from a very young age and used food as a companion and as comfort. Did

you do this too?

________________________________

To: insideoutweightloss

Cc: Phyllis D

Sent: Monday, January 30, 2012 1:27 AM

Subject: (OT) Ah Ah moment from TV program this morning

 

Good evening everyone!

I was watching Oprah's Super Soul Sunday featuring Iyanlla Vanzandt this

morning.  Iyanla talked about how when we've been hurt or abused as kids; we

have to decide as adults to either reject or accept that it happened.  However;

the experience as kids creates a wound that bleeds into our present until we get

into the core of the pain and heal it.  It will show up into how we manage our

life today.  She said the wound will continue to come forth until healed via

similiar feelings in our present.

 

As I was thinking about that, my thoughts went to what I do with food today. 

As a child being abused, the only thing I could control was my food.  No matter

what anyone did; they couldn't control what I put in my mouth.  I binged on

candy at a General Store we ran at 9 years of age.  I binged on my mom's frozen

pies in the freezer as a toodler.  I binged on Pay-Day candy bars for

lunch in high school.  I binge today on cupcakes, cookies, candy and ice

cream.

 

I know as a teenager, I would steal my stepdad's snack cakes for his lunch out

of the freezer and then binge on them.  I  would then get beat for doing so. 

The actual memory must be really bad because I've blocked the specifics around

what happened after each incident and am only left with the knowing in my gut

that I got beat.  Beat is a pretty strong word to be left with.

 

My " ah ah " moment is that the " way " I " show them " today is to now eat whatever I

want as an adult; especially " binge whenever I want to " .  The irony is that I

then " beat " myself up for doing so.  

So, for today, I forgive myself for judging myself as " bad " because I've abused

food and also for beating myself up for doing so.  In reality, I was simply

repeating what I had been taught to do as a kid.

 

Now the question for me is....what do I do with that information and how do I

put a stop to doing that?