Doing the work

[Guest guest]

I'm on week two and I've discovered my objection to losing weight. I've

discovered that I am holding on to these 50 pounds because:

 

If I lose it I might go crazy again. The last time I got down to my ideal weight

I imploded. I lost my job. I made poor choices and was eventually arrested. I

had all kinds of sex with all kinds of people. I overspent and finally went

bankrupt. I met a man who recreated my abusive childhood. I smoked pot and went

nude in public. I lost my apartment and had to move into one room with a friend.

I was diagnosed as Bipolar with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was wild and

carefree, some might say out of control. I had no schedules and I was not the

conventional, responsible self I am now. I painted all day. I had a massage

every week. I danced, sang and drummed. I was vulnerable and real and I had a

spiritual practice. I was manifesting my true self at the time and she is scary.

I keep the weight as protection from her.

 

I keep the weight because if let people see this flawed, crazy side of me they

might run away, fire me. I isolate socially so I don't have to show this part of

me to anyone. I hide out at work so no one gets to know the real imperfect me. I

am the Fraud in every aspect of my life. No one really knows the real me except

my dog who loves me unconditionally.

 

I use food not only to pack on the weight for protection but to distract myself

from the feelings of insecurity and unworthiness my crazy mother instilled in me

early in my life.

 

Facing all this has been difficult and painful. I've been teary all day and

I overate at breakfast to the point of vomiting.  But I feel a real shift. Now I

can move towards confidence, authenticity and stability. I'm looking forward to

getting the tools to move toward a naturally slender woman who is all around

healthy.