Why do some people handle stress with ease ...?

[Guest guest]

" Why Do Some People Handle Stress With Ease While Others Feel

Anxious? " Written by Barry , Ph.D.

" RESILIENCE. That's the ability to bounce back when stress strikes.

Resilient adults experience just as much stress as everyone else,

but they cope more successfully because they have developed the

right skills.

" Here, ways to harness the power of resilience . . .

" MAKE CHANGES. Do you repeat the same kind of behavior even though

that behavior consistently gets negative results?

" Examples: Nagging your spouse to do something he/she refused to

do . . . losing your temper with your children . . . complaining

about work.

" The next time you're angry or stressed, ask yourself whether your

behavior is contributing to the problem. Don't wait for other people

to change. Instead, look for ways that you can change.

" Example: One of my clients was unhappy because she felt everyone at

work was unfriendly. I asked her how she might be contributing to

the situation. She realized that she rarely smiled and looked away

when people walked by. She then started smiling and saying hello to

everyone. They looked surprised at first but smiled back. This one

change greatly improved her work relationships.

" Resilient people also recognize what is NOT under their control.

You might worry about terrorism, but you'll be less stressed if you

focus on things that you can change. Rather than dwell on the big

picture, develop an emergency plan at home.

" SEE PROBLEMS AS CHALLENGES. The Chinese word for CRISIS

means " opportunity with danger. " Don't dwell on the downside when

life is difficult. Look for opportunities that are presented by the

situation.

" Example: When a project at work is unsuccessful, some people give

in to feelings of defeat and question their own competence. A stress-

hardy individual asks himself, " What can I learn from this project

that will help me with the next ones? "

" CULTIVATE EMPATHY. The ability to see the world through other

people's eyes is a key component of resilience. It helps you

anticipate the problems that can lead to conflict and stress.

" Example: One of my clients often said to his employees, " Is that

the best you can do? " His intention was to motivate, but the

employees heard criticism.

" Eventually, he asked himself how he would feel if his employees

spoke to him that way. This prompted him to change his approach and

start acknowledging their effort, commenting on the positive and

saying, " Let's see what we can do to improve these other areas. "

" LISTEN. Poor communication creates tension and stress. Good

communication means active listening -- really understanding what

other people are telling you.

" Example: Suppose your teenage son keeps saying that he is stupid.

Your instinct as a parent might be to say, " No you're not. You're

very smart. " This approach almost guarantees an angry response

because you're not hearing what your son is saying.

" Better Response: Validate his concerns. You might say, " I'm glad

you told me how you feel. Now let's find a solution. " Validating

doesn't mean that you agree. It just shows that you're listening and

understanding what is being said.

" EMBRACE YOUR STRENGTHS. It's easy to judge yourself harshly when

you don't measure up to some external definition of success, but

dwelling on weaknesses creates tremendous stress.

" Instead, focus on your " islands of competence, " the areas in which

you are skilled. For example, you might be a caring spouse and a

good coach of your kids' soccer team.

" You'll also be more resilient when you remind yourself of all the

good things in your life - your spouse . . . children . . .

friends . . . health . . . home . . . a job you enjoy . . . a

satisfying hobby, etc.

" ACCEPT MISTAKES. Many people who aren't resilient view every

mistake as a personal failure. As a result, they avoid challenges -

and one day wake up realizing that they're not enjoying their lives.

" Those who experience the least stress tend to try different things.

They're not afraid of failure because they believe that they'll

recover and learn something from the experience.

" Example: Suppose you have always wanted to be comfortable speaking

in front of large groups but were afraid to try. Start small. Tell a

story in front of a few people at work or a party. You won't be

perfect at first, but you will learn what works and what doesn't.

Don't berate yourself if you fall short. Give yourself credit for

taking the first step.

" HELP OTHERS. The act of helping others -- through volunteer work,

for example -- adds meaning to your life and, in the process,

reduces stress. This is true for people of all ages.

" Example: When I ran an in-patient unit for troubled youth, their

hostile behavior dropped dramatically once I started saying things

like, " I need your help. " People want to feel they are making a

positive difference in this world. When they do, their anger and

stress decrease. "

*** This article was found in Volume 25, Number 17 (September 1,

2004) issue of BOTTOM LINE PERSONAL Newsletter.

" Bottom Line/Personal interviewed Barry , Ph.D.,

assistant clinical professor of psychology, department of

psychiatry, Harvard Medical School, Boston, and consultant in

psychology at McLean Hospital, Belmont, Massachusetts. "

" Barry , Ph.D., is coauthor of THE POWER OF RESILIENCE

(Contemporary). " www.drrobertbrooks.com

I found this article very interesting and wanted to share it with

you. BE RESILIENT! PJ, owner of affirmations to de-stress

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/AffirmationstoDe-Stress

A positive thinking, positive affirmations support group, that discusses ways to

cope with the stresses of daily life. Come aboard! PJ and Gang