- boyfriend and icecream

[Guest guest]

Hi :

About your boyfriend and the ice cream I have a few comments that

might help (or might not! LOL)

If he's in denial -- if he's not being honest with himself -- then he

can't be honest with you.

My husband and I both went to individual therapy and couples therapy

and it really helped.

Since you both had dysfunctional parents -- problems like this are

never going to totally and permenantly disappear -- you just have to

figure out how to establish healthy boundaries, etc. Which is what

you are doing.

You might want to casually mention to him -- " How have you been

managing lately on your diabetic diet? " And just remind him how

important it is to you that he be healthy!! Just show him that you

love him and care about him.

Just some ideas!

Barb

> I was talking to a friend of mine on instant message tonight and

she

> happens to mention seeing my b/f at this ice cream shop yesterday

at

> around 1:30pm. Well, the problem is that he is diabetic and for

the

> last 6 months or more was on (as far as I know) a strict no sugar,

no

> starch type of diet. The last time he saw his Doctor, his blood

> sugar levels went from 240 down to 86! (very good) His Doc told

him

> to just keep doing what he was doing that it was going to have to

be

> his lifestyle. OK, still not that big of a deal that he cheated a

> bit on his diet. The thing is, he came home yesterday around

> 2:00pm. First thing when he walked in I told him he didn't look

like

> he felt good. His face was washed out and he was sweating. He

just

> said it is really hot out there. Wouldn't this have been an ideal

> time to say " ya, I just had some ice cream and I guess the sugar

has

> gotten to me-oops. " Well he didn't even mention it at all. So

> tonight when she tells me this, my first instict is to yell from

the

> computer to the bedroom " J, did you go to the ice cream place

> yesterday? " That type of reaction is something I am trying to

change

> because of my tendancy to be controlling and nag at him. He does

> this kind of thing all the time though, it seems like once a week

at

> least I can catch him in some little lie.

> I have talked to him about this before, as calmly and rationally as

I

> could. I understand that he isn't used to being " allowed "

privacy.

> He lived with his mother before moving in with me and she pretty

much

> dominated his entire exsitance. The only way he was able to have

> time for himself was by lying to her. He didn't even have his own

> bedroom! He would say he was running some errands and he would go

> sneak off to the bowling alley. Just stuff like that. I tell him

> all the time that I want him to have privacy and a life of his

own.

> I also realized how I was slowly starting to be put in and allow

> myself to be put in his " mommy " role. Not appealing to me at all.

> That is part of why I started trying to change some of the things

> with MY life that were so dysfunctional. The relationship's

balance

> has definately been thrown off--which is good. It has been a bit

of

> a challenge, just because it is a new thing to both of us to even

> begin to imagine what healthy relationships are. Neither one of us

> had any sort of role models, especially where our parents were

> concerned.

> Anyway, this is the question I'm left with now. Should I just let

> this go? It isn't a major lie, nothing that would have to be dealt

> with. It is just the fact that it plants that seed of mistrust in

my

> mind, if he lies to me every day about little things, what else is

he

> lying about. He is in therapy too now, thank God! We don't go to

> therapy together, right now I think we'd both agree that our

> individual stuff needed attention before the " us " stuff. I just

> don't know what to do to make sure I am giving him enough space to

be

> an adult man responsible for his own decisions, while at the same

> time not allowing myself to be lied to. In my opinion, it is

> disrespectful and insults my intelligence when someone lies to me.

I

> don't even TRY to catch him!! It seems like he always finds a way

to

> be " found out. " Like going to the ice cream shop a block from our

> apartment. I refuse to be one of those nosey suspicious women who

> dig through the trash can looking for reciepts or " evidence. " I

> simply don't do it, the info just lands in my lap. I feel so sad

> now. Sad, angry, embarassed and foolish for being lied to. Do

they

> all do this crap?