+ Nada's World +

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" Petra " wrote (this thread was formerly " One good thing though " ):

<<

.... In UBM it says somewhere, that they forget their own misbehavior and

Nada here certainly does! She has a very short memory!

>>

Hi Petra,

Yes. Short and distorted.

BPD is characterized by cognitive distortions (ie, stuff gets twisted

going in) and also BP's use ego defense mechanisms (eg, denial,

rationalization, splitting, and projection). Most of this stuff is in

SWOE on pages 57-70. And, BP's use distortion campaigns (SWOE, chapter

11 starting on p 209).

The ego defenses come into play whenever a BP is stressed. So, the KO

must learn how to keep their nada's stress levels down (eg, never raise

your voice or argue with nada, for example). Remember, its not about you

at all. The world revolves around nada and your nada's unacceptable

behavior is a reflection of the pain she's feeling on the inside. When

she's in pain, she strikes out. Nada's BPD behavior is not always done

purposely or to hurt. Her lashing out can simply be an unlearned,

protective, pain-prevention technique.

No one has the right to abuse another person. Period! KOs must learn

what abuse is and to not allow their nada (or anyone else) to abuse

them. For example, if one's nada is getting out-of-control then leave

the room. The core issue with BPD is abandonment/entanglement. By

leaving the room you get to yank on nada's abandonment chain.

Also, for BPs, their feelings create facts (see SWOE, p 56) and these

can change willy-nilly, as the wind blows.

BPs have a childlike world-view (see SWOE, p 70-71). My BPD/NPD

'witch/queen' nada, for example, was an emotional 2-yo whereas my

BPD/NPD hubby was an 8-yo bully. Unfortunately, they both had

adult-sized bodies and enjoyed all the rights and privileges normally

granted to adults.

Once a KO is able to recognize this stuff, then they can begin to

predict their nada's behavior. And, for example, by learning Linehan's

DEAR technique (see SWOE, p 150-153), a KO can try to use it to

communicate with their nada.

On the other side of the coin, a KO by establishing boundaries becomes

predictable to their nada. This is *very* difficult for a KO to do at

first. And, nadas will fight tooth-and-nail at first to tear the KO's

boundaries down. But, when they finally see that the KO's boundaries are

impenetrable, one's nada eventually just might adapt to them.

In general, nada's world is an unstable topsy-turvy world because of the

cognitive distortions and accompanying mood disorder. But nada's do like

things/people to be predictable. The reason that holidays, for example,

are so gawd-awful is that things/people are not predictable then to

nada. When things/people are not predictable to nada, then things are

perceived as out-of-control. And, consequently, nada's like to control

things/people but the problem is that they have a tendency to

over-control. There's no middle area for a nada.

And, finally, a KO should never allow a person who is mentally ill

define who they are. We KOs messed up on this one a long time ago

because we didn't know what was happening. It all started happening to

us in infancy, long before we learned our first boundary word -- ie,

" NO! "

Cheers,

- Edith

Wondrrkid - When I was a kid I wondered and wondered about my nada.

Mod/Facilitator - Randi's family of NonBP e-mail support groups

_