Hurting badly

[Guest guest]

What a day. Still no traffic lights, but lots of

traffic chaos. Got to Harold's stress tesat 20

minutes late, which in itself is a minor miracle. Good

thing my NEw York City aggressive driver kicked in for

a bit.

This morning Harold had no idea of what to wear and

needed my help. I offered to lay out his clothes every

night so that it would be really easy for him in the

morning. BY this evening, Harold forgot about

agreeing to that and got hostile when I went near his

clothes.

Tonight is a night where I feel like would like to

simply throw Harold away a=right along with my

parents.

My father's infected finger saga is continuing, but my

father is such a negative, secretive SOB. SO all I

know is that he has to go for an MRI tomorrow.

I tried contacting an agency that works with MEdicare

to provide home care. They found out that my mother is

signed up with some agency. THey told me that if I

wanted to change that, I " d have to call the rehab

facility where my mother was, find out who the case

manager was, and get them to change the home health

agency. The agency has never provided anyone to help

bathe or dress my mother. All I know is that she gets

some PT and OT and that surely will not last long. I

don't feel like doing all this.

I am exhausted. Teary. Edge of hysteria. I don't want

to be with people at all but I am so lonely and feel

so unloved. I hate depressing the people around me

with the misery of my life.

Everything feels impossible, overwhelming and too much

to handle. I accidentally booked my appointment with

the tax attorney at the same time as my dental

appointment. Seeing the tax attorney is more

important to me. The dentist doesn't have any other

open time and I " m going to call the office and demand

they make an exception for me.

Harold is booked for sinus surgery on Nov 28. Still

have to get clearance from his neuro and his

internist. I wish I could afford 24 hour care right

now. Because I just want to walk away from him, from

my parents, from everything. I don't want to wear my

wedding ring anymore, I don 't want to sleep in the

same bed as Harold. And the who the hell am I

already? I feel like the last few years of my life

have been consumed with taking care of people and I am

really wearing down.

I feel so, so low, it's scary. I can't walk out on

everyone and under all this tension I don't think I

really want to abandon them. But all day long, I've

felt like I'm going to have a stroke. I am so tense.

And I " vebeen so tense for so long. This can

't be contributing anything good to my life. My aide

kept telling me that this will pass; that I can't do

anything about anyone anyway and that I should go have

fun. I forgot. I'm supposed to go out for dinner

with the ladies I played cards with. I haven't made it

to a card game in weeks because I've been too

exhausted. I don't want to be with them. They all have

so many happy good things in their lives and I don't

have anything. How can I even be with other people?

The only thing I'm really good at now is being sad,

worried, scared and teary. I have to keep reminding

myself that I want to see how my life will turn out

and that for that reason alone, I should continue

living. Tonight I feel like what for? Nobody knows

me or cares about me or is here to help me or even has

time to talk with me. What difference does it make if

I'

m here? None I'm crying so much I can't even see to

type, so that's it for me.

Sheila