dealing with tough situations

[Guest guest]

When I was growing up with Queen/Witch nada, I was never allowed to say NO

(sound familiar). I was never allowed to have my own opinion and if I did

express an opinion, nada would do the opposite. I remember when I was around

12, we moved into a new house. I wanted my room blue, but nada painted my

brown, and painted sis's room blue.

Nada always told me to just " suck it up and deal with it " I could never change

difficult situations. I never knew until I was an adult that I didn't have to

deal with abuse.

The bad thing is that I don't think I know how to really deal with bad

situations. I don't know when to stay and try to change them or when to get out

and move on. Nada will be mad when she finds out I quit the charity. She likes

to draw on my accomplishments. Nothing is really my own once nada finds out.

She will say (if I let her) that I should have just stayed there, and just

dealth with it.

I guess my question is: Is it healthy to leave bad situations? I am thinking

the answer is yes, but I need some validation here.

Hania

[Guest guest]

Brown? Yuck!

When mother sent my all-bad 13 year old brother (I was 16) away to live

permanently with dad 3000 miles away, I got his room. I'd been sleeping

with g'ma in her room so brother could have a room to himself, which was

mother's way of trying to right 13 years of all-bad treatment. Didn't

work! Anyhow, mother set out to redo my new bedroom, and I didn't offer

any opposition, because I didn't have any. Heck, I depended on mother

to pick out my clothes, because I didn't know what looked good on me, or

what colors I liked. So what would I know about interior decorating!

Well, mother immediately put her interior decorating skills to work on

my bedroom. First thing to go was one of the two windows. Yup! She

blacked it out, then sewed some drapes that covered the ENTIRE wall,

ceiling to floor - all in off-white. Next came the bedspread - off

white. And paint - off white. There was absolutely no color in that

room. And so it was, according to the gospel of St. Mother.

Hania, at least it wasn't BROWN! Gawd!

SmileS!

Carol

Hania wrote:

> I remember when I was around 12, we moved into a new house. I

> wanted my room blue, but nada painted my brown, and painted

> sis's room blue.

[Guest guest]

Brown? Yuck!

>>Yep, she painted the walls a tan color, drapes and carpet were dark brown. I

should have said I wanted brown, then I would have gotten something else. Silly

me thinking I could actually tell nada what I wanted, then get it.

Her excuse was that the brown carpet would not fit in sis's room. OK, but why

couldn't I have the walls blue? Because nada said blue wouldn't go with brown

carpet. And, as everyone knows, Nada knows best. At least that's the way it

was in my house. No wonder I moved out when I was 16.

Hania

[Guest guest]

Hania wrote:

> I guess my question is: Is it healthy to leave bad

> situations? I am thinking the answer is yes, but I need

> some validation here.

Validation is sooooo helpful! I know I sometimes get what I

call " voices " (therapists often call it negative self-talk)

telling me I did the wrong thing, I should have done something

different, I didn't try hard enough, etc.

Anyway, here goes my attempt at validation:

Leaving a bad situation is not the same is " giving up. " It is

a choice to protect yourself. You are worth protecting. You don't

deserve bad treatment. What you did, leaving the bad situation,

was actually *harder* than just staying with the status quo! You

overcame inertia and made a tough decision that you knew would

cause a backlash but you did it anyway.

And you didn't just slink away and not return. You confronted

Martha and told her you were leaving. You acted like a grownup.

I hope this helps!

Hugs,

Marjorie in Oregon

ahimsa@...

[Guest guest]

--- ahimsa wrote:

This whole post is very helpful to me. I left an

abusive bpd spouse and this applies to me. However,

how do you KEEP REMEMBERING this stuff? Just repeat

it to yourself all the time? I have trouble going

back and thinking that everything is my fault and I

deserve what I got.

Holly

> Anyway, here goes my attempt at validation:

>

> Leaving a bad situation is not the same is " giving

> up. " It is

> a choice to protect yourself. You are worth

> protecting. You don't

> deserve bad treatment. What you did, leaving the bad

> situation,

> was actually *harder* than just staying with the

> status quo! You

> overcame inertia and made a tough decision that you

> knew would

> cause a backlash but you did it anyway.

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Holly wrote:

> However, how do you KEEP REMEMBERING this stuff?

> Just repeat it to yourself all the time?

I don't always remember it! I wish I did. :-) Sometimes I

am able to stop the negative self talk by various methods

like writing in my journal or using positive affirmations.

But sometimes I need validation from other places. Usually

it is my sister or my husband or my close friends. Now that

I have found this group, I can get validation by reading

messages here. Or I can read BPD books. Oh, almost forgot

therapy, that also helps a lot.

I think that the validation we get from outside sources is

a necessary part of the healing process. Eventually we need

less of it, and can do more of it for ourselves, but it sure

is needed in the beginning. I'm not sure it ever goes away

completely.

Marjorie in Oregon

ahimsa@...

[Guest guest]

Hania,

You just triggered another sick/humorous memory I'd forgotten about.

My little brother had asked for three b-days in a row to go to this

super speedway race place in Tampa for his b-day. One time our family

paid for me to take my brother and younger step-sister over to this

cheap place that was a rip off model of the super speedway he'd

wanted to go to. Well my brother's b-day is July17th while younger

step sister's b-day was July 29th. And wouldn't ya know it, she asked

to go to the superrace place for her b-day that year (after I'd taken

just her and brother for his b-day) and the whole family went. My

brother didn't seem to care since he'd never been there and been

wanting to go there for years. But I found it highly unjust. Yet

another BPD trait in the family albums. What a joke.

Your paint for your room that your sis got reminded me of this story.

What psychos.

Kere

> When I was growing up with Queen/Witch nada, I was never allowed to

say NO (sound familiar). I was never allowed to have my own opinion

and if I did express an opinion, nada would do the opposite. I

remember when I was around 12, we moved into a new house. I wanted my

room blue, but nada painted my brown, and painted sis's room blue.

>

> Nada always told me to just " suck it up and deal with it " I could

never change difficult situations. I never knew until I was an adult

that I didn't have to deal with abuse.

>

> The bad thing is that I don't think I know how to really deal with

bad situations. I don't know when to stay and try to change them or

when to get out and move on. Nada will be mad when she finds out I

quit the charity. She likes to draw on my accomplishments. Nothing

is really my own once nada finds out. She will say (if I let her)

that I should have just stayed there, and just dealth with it.

>

> I guess my question is: Is it healthy to leave bad situations? I

am thinking the answer is yes, but I need some validation here.

> Hania

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

This whole post is very helpful to me. I left an

abusive bpd spouse and this applies to me. However,

how do you KEEP REMEMBERING this stuff? Just repeat

it to yourself all the time? I have trouble going

back and thinking that everything is my fault and I

deserve what I got.

>>I don't know, Holly. I left a bad marriage. If my ex wasn't bp, he certainly

had a lot of fleas. He was emotionally abusive and physically abusive, but

stopped the physical abuse when the kids were born.

Some days are really hard. Being a single mom to 4 kids, three of whom have

medical challenges leaves me wiped out. But, I just keep looking at my kids

(who are WAY happier now) and know that it is all worth it. Even knowing that I

will never get a full nights sleep for the next 7 years (at least) is not enough

to make me want to go back.

Hania

[Guest guest]

Your paint for your room that your sis got reminded me of this story.

What psychos.

>>Kere, I'm sorry I triggered that memory for you. I am trying to process all

this garbage in my brain. It helps me to look at what nada has done and know

that it wasn't my fault or nothing that I did to deserve her behavior. It was a

sick nada.

Everywhere I lived after I moved out of nada's house had white or off-white

walls. It wasn't until 5 years ago that I dared to paint the walls something

else. My girls wanted their bedroom painted. One child wanted pink, the other

blue. So I painted one half of the room pink and one half blue. Nada would

have had a fit. BUT the world didn't end and we have been living happily in

color every since.

Hania

[Guest guest]

Hania,

Why apologize for giving me a gift? While the memory isn't that

great, I think being able to remember them and seeing them in the

clarity of the 'now' is totally what I need. I've pushed so much aside

and deep within that I've suffocated part of myself in the process.

Any memory, good or bad or funny or whatever, is a gift to me right

now.

I think that's really great about your girl's bedroom. What a cool

mom. That would be funny to see pictures of it.lol Too cool.

By the way, thank you again for triggering one of MY memories as I

need to claim them for myself rather than let them play around in my

psyche messing up the backyard-lol.

Kere

>

> Your paint for your room that your sis got reminded me of this

story.

> What psychos.

>

> >>Kere, I'm sorry I triggered that memory for you. I am trying to

process all this garbage in my brain. It helps me to look at what

nada has done and know that it wasn't my fault or nothing that I did

to deserve her behavior. It was a sick nada.

>

> Everywhere I lived after I moved out of nada's house had white or

off-white walls. It wasn't until 5 years ago that I dared to paint

the walls something else. My girls wanted their bedroom painted. One

child wanted pink, the other blue. So I painted one half of the room

pink and one half blue. Nada would have had a fit. BUT the world

didn't end and we have been living happily in color every since.

> Hania

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