Re: Family- was feeling bad today

[Guest guest]

Kere,

I am sorry you were sad. I can have nothing to do with my FOO, except my

sister.

Nada comes from a big family. A couple of the aunts are OK, some are BP like

nada. Nada is closest to the BP ones, of course. I long ago (even before I

knew about BP) accepted the fact that I had no family.

Hania

Family- was feeling bad today

Okay, I was feeling pretty dejected and sad all day yesterday and for

a larger part of today.

[Guest guest]

> So all day yesterday the words I said to nada during our last

> conversation kept echoing in my head 'Family's not everything.' I

> felt like it was karma coming back to bite me on the back side as

> the two people I was closest to in the FOO, brother and aunt, were

> just so unbelievably distant on the phone. I wanted to cry but I

> wasn't sure what I'd be crying over.

You are very right in saying that " Family's not everything'. It's

not. It's very important, for positive reasons and for negative

reasons, but not everything. I was told this message by my grandnada

ever since I was little, and until recently I bought it hook, line, &

sinker. Then slowly I realized that you could count on others

outside your FOO, and that you could have meaningful, rewarding

relationships w/friends. This contradicted what I had been taught

(brainwashed). The final blow to that belief was seeing my grandnada

so dependent upon her family for companionship that she suffocates.

It dawned on me that it was important to develop relationships

outside the FOO so as not to be a burden to them. Family os to enjoy

and cherish, not sufficate and burden.

> I also felt like I was being left behind or snubbed out as I dared

> question those dynamics that are b.s. in my opinion. I think my

> aunt and brother reacted the same ways they probably always have

> after hanging out with the FOO too long and it is not as personally

> directed at me as it is that the FOO just sucks.

It was probably very threatening to nada (and others in your FOO if

they were informed of your remark) because it is all she knows. It

would shake her foundation, and that is simply too threatening. But

take comfort in knowing that your belief is the healthy one, and it

will lead you to a more fulfilling life.

You are on the right road!

Trish

[Guest guest]

Thanks Hania, I'm battling that one too. I'm not sure I want to say I

have no family and yet I also know that the more I grow, the less the

ways of operating are working for me. I grow further away from

needing the same things they believe they need and it's sad really. I

feel like I'm leaving them behind or something and I guess that's what

I have to do in order to get me better. Otherwise, it's not worth it.

Thanks for understanding though. You've got a lot of courage as it is

hard to walk away from toxic relationships with FOG induced behaviors

that keep yanking us KOs back like yo-yos.

Kere

-text portions of this message have been removed]

[Guest guest]

Trish,

Thanks for understanding. My mom's mom would also always say " family

is all ya got. " I can see now how she really had a lot of queen

characteristics too and it wasn't all she had as she had over 300

people show up for her funeral. It was crap and still is crap and

'the ties that bind often gag and strangle' as I heard put somewhere

recently. I like that one.

I think I have tried to break away before from the FOO and been pulled

back in out of FOG and feeling left out. I'd try to get healthy and

then get paranoid that no one would ever love me and maybe they're

right. I think now days it is not so much an option to grasp for love

in the FOO like I use to want. It just doesn't exist in the ways that

I need love- healthy love. And so I am firm on my stand and am

probably sad now that I won't even be pulled back again like I have in

the past. I guess it's the whole grieving process I've been going

through- growing further and further apart.

I don't think nada said anything to brother or aunt about my words.

they've already said they wanted to stay out of the middle of it. I

do believe, however, that their dynamics that day were based on the

fact they all act different when they're in a group setting. I can see

it clearer now in how my grandfather delites in stirring up

competition for his laughter. I saw that on Father's Day and so a lot

of my former admiration for him as a man has dimenished greatly. I

don't think he's a helpless bystander as he does not sincerely strike

me as one who gives a damn about people's feelings. I see that now

historically speaking as I look back in time over many issues with the

FOO. I guess I am at a place where I don't even care much about him

anymore as I see clearer and clearer with how things change when he's

around. I use to laugh and joke with him on the phone, but I think

he's pretty arrogant now days and a pig in a lot of other ways I've

never wanted to see. It hurts seeing. It's like the pain that people

experience when their vision is restored- the light is blinding and so

it hurts. The truth hurts sometimes and that's the path I've always

dedicated myself to. I just didn't think it would be at such a high

price when I started this voyage long ago.

Thanks for giving me your feedback. We seem to be in the same boat as

I'm sure there are a lot of us KOs in the same boat.

*hugs to you*

Kere