Any support would be greatly appreciated

July 26, 2002

Thanks, it did help me to read your response. I didn't expect at all to feel

anything remotely close to this. I think I am scared that something bad is

going to happen now. But I don't know what that would be. I have already

told myself what I will do if they bother me. The thing with the cousins

being here too is really screwing with my head. I feel guilty for doing this

while they are here, but I don't know how I would have been able to pretend

especially with the uncle there too. And I feel so alone because I don't

even feel like I can turn to my sister. She and I usually could stick

together through the times that the parents were acting up, but now she is

mad at me too. I am glad to know you are praying for me. Thanks for that,

July 26, 2002

I sent my nada and fada an e-mail today. It wasn't the exact same as

the one I posted here, this one was a little less emotional. At

least that is what I was trying for. It basically said that I want

them to leave me alone until I say otherwise and it went in to what I

would do if they didn't. I told them I would change my phone number,

e-mail, get restraining orders etc.. if I had to. Now I feel really

uneasy. I don't know if it is guilt or if I am afraid that they will

be really angry. I feel sick and nervous. The things I wrote were

all true and all of it I really meant. Now I don't know what to do.

I know they have both read the e-mail, my hag nada replied--even

though I specifically asked them not too. I was not going to read

it, I saw it was from her and I deleted it, but she got her little

message accross in the subject line. It said " Been here done

this.... " I don't know what she is talking about though. I have

never done anything like this before, asked for my space or expressed

any sort of feelings about my past and their involvment in it. There

are so many feelings running around inside, I don't even know how to

name them. I am worrying about my sister, her husband is out of town

all weekend, the two younger children are sick. My fada's youngest

brother is visiting him. He lived down the road from us (mom, sister

and I) for years and never visited us or anything. He and his wife

said they were afraid of our mother because she was so mean and

unstable. Anyway apparentlly his middle son (18-19years old)is

having some sort of problems back home, so the uncle thought it would

be a good idea for him to come and stay with my fada for a while.

This is mind boggling to me, but whatever. If there is one place for

a young man with self esteem issues to stay away from, it would be my

fada's place. My fada has all the characteristics of NPD.

Especially the delusions of granduer, and the inability to

empathize. I don't know if I feel like I have done something wrong

or if I am just afraid of the backlash. I just know I feel really

uneasy and sick, my hands are clamy and I feel like I can't breathe.

Any ideas? Does this sound familiar to anyone?

July 26, 2002

,

Hey, I was just on line for a sec to post something to webbie Debbie

and thought I'd check out a few other posts real quick. I'm really

sorry to hear about your current feelings. If there's anything I could

say, it would probably be that your feelings are a completely normal

reaction to a completely abnormal situation. I had a panic attack a

few weeks ago with a similar situation and then I had to just sit

there with my feelings and question why I was feeling them. Then I

looked around, realized I was in a safe place (the life I've created

very separate from nada) and I just cried...and cried and cried. It's

a very liberating feeling to find out now that I am in control of my

own feelings and that I can send out this psychic shield of love

around me, like a halo, bouncing off all of nada's negative energy. I

realize I've probably got a long way to go where self-soothing is

concerned just b/c nada's don't allow us to have any of our own

feelings beyond their own inner chaos. I mean, that for so long I see

that my first reaction to things have been slightly angry and even

though within the context of healthy relationship I can see the

illogicalness of blowing things up, it makes sense considering my nada

never let me feel anything more than anger, guilt, fear,

self-loathing, paranoia, anxiety, and the whole hoop la of other

negative emotions. It's becoming more and more a routine for me to now

days emotionally react with faith in certain situations...to know that

the feelings will subside and that I don't have to feel what I don't

want to feel. So the feelings that are bad last a lot shorter than

before. Even though I admit my last encounter with nada sent me over

the edge and that's why I'm here.

Once again we seem on the same plane of existence though. My nada

emailed me today for the first time. I thought of deleting it, but

saw that it had one of my best buddy's last name in it. My good

friend's mother sold my nada's house last year and are somewhat

friends. Apparently my friend's dad had a heart attack this past

Monday and that's why nada was emailing me. It was nice to know as

I'm going to call my friend tomorrow, but it's also par for the course

with bad news. It's like nada is always so happy to pass along crappy

news to me...reaffirming her belief that the world is dangerous, full

of chaos and tragedy. My friend's dad just made it through cancer

rehab through myriad prayers, and so I'm certian he will make it

through this and I've been praying for him (he's slightly strange if

you ask me the way he seems to have major health problems to get his

daughter to come back down and visit him. He always competed with my

friend growing up for her mother's attention and so they've got a

strange relationship). Anyway, I didn't email nada back or anything.

I'm still unsure whether or not to send my letter or just call her

and tell her all the things I need to say, not that she'll hear them

anyway. I don't know, but I think I'd be in the same boat as you once

I sent it. At least for the initial phase. It's very frightening

standing up to someone you sincerely see as a threat to your life and

that's how I've always felt about my nada. I can see now why I've had

really bizarre dreams over the last few years where someone's trying

to kill me or I'm running and hiding. A lot is making sense today as I

learn more about BPD.

I'm glad you are on your own and have this board. I'll keep you in my

prayers and try to send out that special energy shield of love and

light your way.

*big hugs enclosed*

Kere

> I sent my nada and fada an e-mail today. It wasn't the exact same

as

> the one I posted here, this one was a little less emotional. At

> least that is what I was trying for. It basically said that I want

> them to leave me alone until I say otherwise and it went in to what

I

> would do if they didn't. I told them I would change my phone

number,

> e-mail, get restraining orders etc.. if I had to. Now I feel really

> uneasy. I don't know if it is guilt or if I am afraid that they

will

> be really angry. I feel sick and nervous. The things I wrote were

> all true and all of it I really meant. Now I don't know what to do.

> I know they have both read the e-mail, my hag nada replied--even

> though I specifically asked them not too. I was not going to read

> it, I saw it was from her and I deleted it, but she got her little

> message accross in the subject line. It said " Been here done

> this.... " I don't know what she is talking about though. I have

> never done anything like this before, asked for my space or

expressed

> any sort of feelings about my past and their involvment in it.

There

> are so many feelings running around inside, I don't even know how to

> name them. I am worrying about my sister, her husband is out of

town

> all weekend, the two younger children are sick. My fada's youngest

> brother is visiting him. He lived down the road from us (mom,

sister

> and I) for years and never visited us or anything. He and his wife

> said they were afraid of our mother because she was so mean and

> unstable. Anyway apparentlly his middle son (18-19years old)is

> having some sort of problems back home, so the uncle thought it

would

> be a good idea for him to come and stay with my fada for a while.

> This is mind boggling to me, but whatever. If there is one place

for

> a young man with self esteem issues to stay away from, it would be

my

> fada's place. My fada has all the characteristics of NPD.

> Especially the delusions of granduer, and the inability to

> empathize. I don't know if I feel like I have done something wrong

> or if I am just afraid of the backlash. I just know I feel really

> uneasy and sick, my hands are clamy and I feel like I can't breathe.

> Any ideas? Does this sound familiar to anyone?

July 27, 2002

In a message dated 7/26/02 11:21:44 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

anyrae75@... writes:

> I just know I feel really

> uneasy and sick, my hands are clamy and I feel like I can't breathe.

> Any ideas? Does this sound familiar to anyone?

,

Take a nice deep breath. This sounds completely familiar to me. It is panic

because you (the five year old you) just pretty much gave nada the bird! For

the first time in your life you are claiming your own identity and standing

up for yourself. I would expect you to have the same reaction to your first

time bungee jumping off a bridge....and dealing with nada is way more

dangerous than bungee jumping (which is why you don't see it as a featured

amusement at many county fairs...nada baiting, hee-hee). I think you did a

good thing. Now just sit back and practice breathing. If you cut off

contact then in theory the repurcussions will not get you, right? (Lame

theory, but any port in a storm.) Also, remember that you cannot stop other

people from getting inolved with nada/fada. They will have to learn for

themselves. Just thank god you have made it out alive!

Huge hugs and peace sent to you. I am proud of you for taking this big step.

Debbie

July 27, 2002

I think all your feelings are normal. You are probably afraid of the

backlash and you feel like you've done something wrong. This is how we've

been programmed from birth by society and our nada. Society tells us that

we should always respect and honor our parents. Nada takes this to heart

and it means she can do anything. So when you sent the email you were going

against a whole bunch of ideas that you have known and thought since you

were very young. And that is hard even if it is the right thing for you.

Society assumes that our nadas deserve respect. I don't think the human

mind can process or understand abuse. I think they minimize it because it

is so unacceptable it it. So don't beat yourself up to bad, you are going

against generations of ideas of how things should be.

I wish I could think of some way to help you get through this time. I

haven't found one yet. Tell yourself it's okay to feel nervous. I'm always

nervous when I take a big step. Take deep breaths. I always found that I

always feel much better afterwards because even though I'm scared and

nervous, I've done what is best for me.