Re: need more posts

[Guest guest]

All right, I'm new here, but I'll bite. My mother has never lived alone -

until two days ago. On his death bed, my father made my younger brother

promise to take care of my mom. He did. And that included living with my mom

until a couple of days ago. He's 30, and just moved in to his first

apartment. Mom has come unglued. She's gone off her medication, she's

stopped going out of the house, and she's crying all the time. She's

demanding that my sisters do something (she hasn't specified what that

something is...if we were good children we would just KNOW what she needed).

We all have busy lives. I live an entire country away with my family, and my

sisters both have families with small children. How can we make sure she's

all right without letting her control our every waking hour? I understand

this is a truly stressful time for her, in her late 50's and alone for the

first time, but that doesn't make our lives any less complicated or more

free to run around after her. I know that sounds harsh, but...

Any suggestions?

Thanks,

Debbie

need more posts

I come home from work every day and the first thing I do is go to the

computer to read the posts. I've noticed lately that there don't seem to be

as many posts as in the past. Maybe everyone is busy with summer

activities, but I feel like my fix is over with to soon. Don't get me wrong

I don't want anybody to have problems with their nada they have to deal

with, but it would be nice if ya'll could spend your entire day on the

computer posting so I can have plenty of posts to read each day when I get

home. LOL

To get off the list, send a blank message to

ModOasis-unsubscribe . Send questions & amp; concerns to

ModOasis-owner . & quot;Stop Walking on Eggshells, & quot; a

primer for non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL (). For the

table of contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com <http://www.BPDCentral.com>

[Guest guest]

Hi Debbie,

It's not your job to make sure she's alright. She's an

adult. You're her daughter, not her parent. It sounds like

a good thing that your brother finally started to live his

own life, too. You didn't sound harsh, just sane!!

Welcome to the group

Hope

--- " Cottrell, Debbie AG:EX "

wrote:

> All right, I'm new here, but I'll bite. My mother has

> never lived alone -

> until two days ago. On his death bed, my father made my

> younger brother

> promise to take care of my mom. He did. And that included

> living with my mom

> until a couple of days ago. He's 30, and just moved in to

> his first

> apartment. Mom has come unglued. She's gone off her

> medication, she's

> stopped going out of the house, and she's crying all the

> time. She's

> demanding that my sisters do something (she hasn't

> specified what that

> something is...if we were good children we would just

> KNOW what she needed).

> We all have busy lives. I live an entire country away

> with my family, and my

> sisters both have families with small children. How can

> we make sure she's

> all right without letting her control our every waking

> hour? I understand

> this is a truly stressful time for her, in her late 50's

> and alone for the

> first time, but that doesn't make our lives any less

> complicated or more

> free to run around after her. I know that sounds harsh,

> but...

>

> Any suggestions?

>

> Thanks,

>

> Debbie

>

> need more posts

>

>

> I come home from work every day and the first thing I do

> is go to the

> computer to read the posts. I've noticed lately that

> there don't seem to be

> as many posts as in the past. Maybe everyone is busy

> with summer

> activities, but I feel like my fix is over with to soon.

> Don't get me wrong

> I don't want anybody to have problems with their nada

> they have to deal

> with, but it would be nice if ya'll could spend your

> entire day on the

> computer posting so I can have plenty of posts to read

> each day when I get

> home. LOL

>

>

>

>

> To get off the list, send a blank message to

> ModOasis-unsubscribe . Send questions

> & amp; concerns to

> ModOasis-owner . & quot;Stop Walking on

> Eggshells, & quot; a

> primer for non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL

> (). For the

> table of contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com

> <http://www.BPDCentral.com>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow Debbie.

You sound like you are going through exactly what my sister and I go

through. Our mom doesn't live alone, but you would think she does. She

calls and talks for hours and asks us to make decisions for her......she

tells us all her problems and gets upset when we don't rush done IMMEDIATELY

and solve them. What I'm about to say will probably sound very harsh, but I

feel like I've been there, done that. What it sounds to me like your mother

is doing to you and your sister is parentifing you. That is abuse. You are

not responsible for her. You have the right to set some boundaries with

your mother. It is okay to tell your mother you are busy right now and you

can talk to her for 15 minutes or 5 minutes whatever feels best for you. If

you have caller ID and can't talk to her at that time, don't answer the

phone. My sister and I both got caller ID just for that reason. When she

tells you her problems can you ask, " What are you going to do about that? "

It puts the responsibility back where it belongs.....in your mother's lap.

There is someone else on this list who supports their mother financially and

has just recently experienced some of the same things you are going through.

I'm sorry, I can't remember who it is.

I'm going to quote some from the book Understanding the Borderline Mother.

Helping her children transcend the Intense, Unpredicatble, and Volatile

Relationship. I'm just going to quote sentences here and there that I feel

apply to this situation.

The chaos of the Waif's life can drain her children financially and

emotionally. her adult children will never have control over their own

lives unless they establish structure. Loving the Waif mother does not

require taking care of her. Loving the Waif means caring about her. The

Waif's children will never be capable of preventing the turmoil that

characterizes their mother's life. Loving the Waif mother requires giving

the responsibility for her life and death back to her. Only then can her

children embrace the freedome of their own lives.

Rescuing behavior perpetuates the Waif's unhealthy emotional dependency

because it reinforces her view of herself as helpless.

Adult children must accept responsibility for the way the communicate their

needs and feelings.

Regardless of the crisis, adult children must give the Waif mother the

message the she can and must help herself.

It is well known that the length of time that a person can stay in the water

without succumbing to exhaustion and exposure has limits......the tale of

needless sacrifice in the history of swimming is a long one wherein heroism

displayed has availed nothing.....novice and even very good swimmers

frequently find that their ability to make a rescue does not equal their

good intent and they either break away with great difficulty or drowns with

him.

If you are concerned about suicide, some suggestions are

1. Call the police

2. Call your mother's therapist

3. Telling her that threats of suicide upset you. Telling her that you

love her but it is not fair to you for her to make you responsible

for her life. And you won't accept responsibility.

I hope I have helped. I know this is long. If you don't have them get the

books Stop Walking On Eggshells and Understand the Bordeline Mother.

need more posts

I come home from work every day and the first thing I do is go to the

computer to read the posts. I've noticed lately that there don't seem to

be

as many posts as in the past. Maybe everyone is busy with summer

activities, but I feel like my fix is over with to soon. Don't get me

wrong

I don't want anybody to have problems with their nada they have to deal

with, but it would be nice if ya'll could spend your entire day on the

computer posting so I can have plenty of posts to read each day when I get

home. LOL

To get off the list, send a blank message to

ModOasis-unsubscribe . Send questions & amp; concerns to

ModOasis-owner . & quot;Stop Walking on Eggshells, & quot; a

primer for non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL (). For

the

table of contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com

<http://www.BPDCentral.com>

[Guest guest]

And I'm sorry, but late 50's does not make her an elderly person who

needs to be looked after. I know so many people that are 70+ and

still going strong and would not dream of being a burden on thier

kids. My mother tried that same oh poor me routine on me all the

time. I used to feel sooo responsible for her and her happiness.

She called me and basically said the same thing your mother is

saying: I know that you and your sister have discussed what to do

with " MOM " well, now I need you to go ahead and decide because I have

no where to live and no money. Here I am help me, take care of me.

(She is 51.)I had to turn my back on her, it was the most painful

thing I have ever had to do, still is. I was barely even coping with

taking care of myself. As soon as I let go, she started to pick up

the pieces and has been taking care of herself for over a year now.

She got a job as a caretaker for an elderly blind lady. She lived

there and got a salary, when that was no longer good enough for her,

she tested the water with me again. Then when I continued to do

nothing, she got married. Now I see that if I had taken her in and

let her live with me, she probably would have been able to tear apart

my relationship with my boyfriend and anyone else around me. I feel

for your brother, what a shame he is 30 and just now " allowed " to

have a life. You don't sound harsh at all, you and the rest of your

siblings deserve happiness. You deserve your own life. She chose

the path that has led her to where she is today, you didn't.

> > All right, I'm new here, but I'll bite. My mother has

> > never lived alone -

> > until two days ago. On his death bed, my father made my

> > younger brother

> > promise to take care of my mom. He did. And that included

> > living with my mom

> > until a couple of days ago. He's 30, and just moved in to

> > his first

> > apartment. Mom has come unglued. She's gone off her

> > medication, she's

> > stopped going out of the house, and she's crying all the

> > time. She's

> > demanding that my sisters do something (she hasn't

> > specified what that

> > something is...if we were good children we would just

> > KNOW what she needed).

> > We all have busy lives. I live an entire country away

> > with my family, and my

> > sisters both have families with small children. How can

> > we make sure she's

> > all right without letting her control our every waking

> > hour? I understand

> > this is a truly stressful time for her, in her late 50's

> > and alone for the

> > first time, but that doesn't make our lives any less

> > complicated or more

> > free to run around after her. I know that sounds harsh,

> > but...

> >

> > Any suggestions?

> >

> > Thanks,

> >

> > Debbie

> >

> > need more posts

> >

> >

> > I come home from work every day and the first thing I do

> > is go to the

> > computer to read the posts. I've noticed lately that

> > there don't seem to be

> > as many posts as in the past. Maybe everyone is busy

> > with summer

> > activities, but I feel like my fix is over with to soon.

> > Don't get me wrong

> > I don't want anybody to have problems with their nada

> > they have to deal

> > with, but it would be nice if ya'll could spend your

> > entire day on the

> > computer posting so I can have plenty of posts to read

> > each day when I get

> > home. LOL

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > To get off the list, send a blank message to

> > ModOasis-unsubscribe@y... Send questions

> > & amp; concerns to

> > ModOasis-owner@y... & quot;Stop Walking on

> > Eggshells, & quot; a

> > primer for non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL

> > (). For the

> > table of contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com

> > <http://www.BPDCentral.com>

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Yes, when I started making my mother responsible for her own actions and

decisions she learned how to do it herself to.

need more posts

> >

> >

> > I come home from work every day and the first thing I do

> > is go to the

> > computer to read the posts. I've noticed lately that

> > there don't seem to be

> > as many posts as in the past. Maybe everyone is busy

> > with summer

> > activities, but I feel like my fix is over with to soon.

> > Don't get me wrong

> > I don't want anybody to have problems with their nada

> > they have to deal

> > with, but it would be nice if ya'll could spend your

> > entire day on the

> > computer posting so I can have plenty of posts to read

> > each day when I get

> > home. LOL

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > To get off the list, send a blank message to

> > ModOasis-unsubscribe@y... Send questions

> > & amp; concerns to

> > ModOasis-owner@y... & quot;Stop Walking on

> > Eggshells, & quot; a

> > primer for non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL

> > (). For the

> > table of contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com

> > <http://www.BPDCentral.com>

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Debbie,

Just out of curiosity, has anyone suggested assisted living or a

retirement community? Some of them are pretty nice- like the ones

where the people live in their own homes and you have to be over a

certain age to live in the neighborhood. That's just one thought. She

sounds really depressed too, but I agree that your lives shouldn't be

put on hold as that's not really fair to anyone.

Kere

> All right, I'm new here, but I'll bite. My mother has never lived

alone -

> until two days ago. On his death bed, my father made my younger

brother

> promise to take care of my mom. He did. And that included living

with my mom

> until a couple of days ago. He's 30, and just moved in to his first

> apartment. Mom has come unglued. She's gone off her medication,

she's

> stopped going out of the house, and she's crying all the time. She's

> demanding that my sisters do something (she hasn't specified what

that

> something is...if we were good children we would just KNOW what she

needed).

> We all have busy lives. I live an entire country away with my

family, and my

> sisters both have families with small children. How can we make sure

she's

> all right without letting her control our every waking hour? I

understand

> this is a truly stressful time for her, in her late 50's and alone

for the

> first time, but that doesn't make our lives any less complicated or

more

> free to run around after her. I know that sounds harsh, but...

>

> Any suggestions?

>

> Thanks,

>

> Debbie

>

> need more posts

>

>

> I come home from work every day and the first thing I do is go to

the

> computer to read the posts. I've noticed lately that there don't

seem to be

> as many posts as in the past. Maybe everyone is busy with summer

> activities, but I feel like my fix is over with to soon. Don't get

me wrong

> I don't want anybody to have problems with their nada they have to

deal

> with, but it would be nice if ya'll could spend your entire day on

the

> computer posting so I can have plenty of posts to read each day when

I get

> home. LOL

>

>

>

>

> To get off the list, send a blank message to

> ModOasis-unsubscribe@y... Send questions & amp; concerns to

> ModOasis-owner@y... & quot;Stop Walking on Eggshells, & quot; a

> primer for non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL ().

For the

> table of contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com

<http://www.BPDCentral.com>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Debbie,

Same thing happened to us when our dad died. Mother expected

us to take turns staying with her. (that got old) there were 6 of us

living locally... it got out of control fast. We didn't know how to say

no. Then my brother announced she was moving in with us (was

renting a house with 2 of my brothers). I moved out of master

bedroom. She moved in. Boy that activated all her dormant

queen/witch issues.

In a little bit she was gone leaving a trail of stories about how

" filthy " my house was and how she had no authority over the

children (I had 5 at the time).

I would say grit your teeth and let her get through the acute grief

phase. In our situation ....mother dear got some medicine from

her psychiatrist and she sort of coasted through the acute grief

phase and it came back to bite her later.

Also, not know about BPD then, I didn't realize she was

becoming totally unglued bec. death = abandonment.

Having gone through grief already ...I knew that one cannot

lessen the violent emotions, the extreme sadness etc....It was a

big mistake to take her in.

kathleen

> All right, I'm new here, but I'll bite. My mother has never lived

alone -

> until two days ago. On his death bed, my father made my

younger brother

> promise to take care of my mom. He did. And that included

living with my mom

> until a couple of days ago. He's 30, and just moved in to his

first

> apartment. Mom has come unglued. She's gone off her

medication, she's

> stopped going out of the house, and she's crying all the time.

She's

> demanding that my sisters do something (she hasn't specified

what that

> something is...if we were good children we would just KNOW

what she needed).

> We all have busy lives. I live an entire country away with my

family, and my

> sisters both have families with small children. How can we

make sure she's

> all right without letting her control our every waking hour? I

understand

> this is a truly stressful time for her, in her late 50's and alone

for the

> first time, but that doesn't make our lives any less complicated

or more

> free to run around after her. I know that sounds harsh, but...

>

> Any suggestions?

>

> Thanks,

>

> Debbie

>

> need more posts

>

>

> I come home from work every day and the first thing I do is go

to the

> computer to read the posts. I've noticed lately that there don't

seem to be

> as many posts as in the past. Maybe everyone is busy with

summer

> activities, but I feel like my fix is over with to soon. Don't get me

wrong

> I don't want anybody to have problems with their nada they

have to deal

> with, but it would be nice if ya'll could spend your entire day on

the

> computer posting so I can have plenty of posts to read each

day when I get

> home. LOL

>

>

>

>

> To get off the list, send a blank message to

> ModOasis-unsubscribe@y... Send questions & amp; concerns

to

> ModOasis-owner@y... & quot;Stop Walking on

Eggshells, & quot; a

> primer for non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL

(). For the

> table of contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com

<http://www.BPDCentral.com>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

i don't know about the rest of you...but i feel like i have done my

part to keep julie happy!!!!!!! ha ha ha ha ha

))

laura

> I come home from work every day and the first thing I do is go to

the

> computer to read the posts. I've noticed lately that there don't

seem to be

> as many posts as in the past. Maybe everyone is busy with summer

> activities, but I feel like my fix is over with to soon. Don't get

me wrong

> I don't want anybody to have problems with their nada they have to

deal

> with, but it would be nice if ya'll could spend your entire day on

the

> computer posting so I can have plenty of posts to read each day

when I get

> home. LOL

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes , you have done your part. Thank you very much. <wink>

PS I hope everyone knows that yesterdays post about needing more posts was

joking on my part.

PPS My MD has prescribed some medicine for the fibro. This is the 1st time

in a long time I have really felt good. I don't ache and it's a wonderful

feeling.

Re: need more posts

i don't know about the rest of you...but i feel like i have done my

part to keep julie happy!!!!!!! ha ha ha ha ha

))

laura

> I come home from work every day and the first thing I do is go to

the

> computer to read the posts. I've noticed lately that there don't

seem to be

> as many posts as in the past. Maybe everyone is busy with summer

> activities, but I feel like my fix is over with to soon. Don't get

me wrong

> I don't want anybody to have problems with their nada they have to

deal

> with, but it would be nice if ya'll could spend your entire day on

the

> computer posting so I can have plenty of posts to read each day

when I get

> home. LOL

>

>

To get off the list, send a blank message to

ModOasis-unsubscribe . Send questions & amp; concerns to

ModOasis-owner . & quot;Stop Walking on Eggshells, & quot; a

primer for non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL (). For the

table of contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com

[Guest guest]

Hi, Debbie,

Welcome to the group! I think you've gotten some great advice so

far. A lot of us are dealing with more or less the same situation

with our nadas, too. Mine just panicked because a handyman dropped

by last week and said he could start painting Wed. (two days ago). I

took my husband's day off last Sunday, when we really needed to do

some work on our own home, in order to drive an hour to her house to

help her pick the " correct " shade of white! All she had to do was go

to the paint store (which we would have done had the store been open

when we were there) and tell them what she wanted. Instead, she

decided she couldn't " handle it " , called the guy and told him not to

come on Wed., and she STILL DOESN'T HAVE THE PAINT!!!ARGH!!! Keep in

mind that your nada's panic doesn't make it a crisis. She won't

appreciate it, but you don't need to get upset just because she is.

She'll find out very soon that she is perfectly capable of taking

care of herself. So hang tight.

Hugs,

Joy

> All right, I'm new here, but I'll bite. My mother has never lived

alone -

> until two days ago. On his death bed, my father made my younger

brother

> promise to take care of my mom. He did. And that included living

with my mom

> until a couple of days ago. He's 30, and just moved in to his first

> apartment. Mom has come unglued. She's gone off her medication,

she's

> stopped going out of the house, and she's crying all the time. She's

> demanding that my sisters do something (she hasn't specified what

that

> something is...if we were good children we would just KNOW what she

needed).

> We all have busy lives. I live an entire country away with my

family, and my

> sisters both have families with small children. How can we make

sure she's

> all right without letting her control our every waking hour? I

understand

> this is a truly stressful time for her, in her late 50's and alone

for the

> first time, but that doesn't make our lives any less complicated or

more

> free to run around after her. I know that sounds harsh, but...

>

> Any suggestions?

>

> Thanks,

>

> Debbie

>

> need more posts

>

>

> I come home from work every day and the first thing I do is go to

the

> computer to read the posts. I've noticed lately that there don't

seem to be

> as many posts as in the past. Maybe everyone is busy with summer

> activities, but I feel like my fix is over with to soon. Don't get

me wrong

> I don't want anybody to have problems with their nada they have to

deal

> with, but it would be nice if ya'll could spend your entire day on

the

> computer posting so I can have plenty of posts to read each day

when I get

> home. LOL

>

>

>

>

> To get off the list, send a blank message to

> ModOasis-unsubscribe@y... Send questions & amp; concerns to

> ModOasis-owner@y... & quot;Stop Walking on Eggshells, & quot; a

> primer for non-BPs can be ordered via 1-888-35-SHELL (888-357-

4355). For the

> table of contents, see http://www.BPDCentral.com

<http://www.BPDCentral.com>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 7/11/02 5:46:08 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

hnjstaff@... writes:

> but it would be nice if ya'll could spend your entire day on the

> computer posting so I can have plenty of posts to read each day when I get

> home. LOL

>

,

If it rains for a few days and my kids sleep the afternoons away, I'd be glad

to post a dozen things for you to read! Pray for rain and sleepyheads! LOL!

Hugs,

Debbie

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 7/11/02 6:00:25 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

Debbie.Cottrell@... writes:

> that doesn't make our lives any less complicated or more

> free to run around after her. I know that sounds harsh, but...

>

> Any suggestions?

>

Debbie,

Geez, what a mess. Maybe your sisters could set a boundary that as long as

your mother takes her meds, takes care of herself, etc they will once a week

(alternating...only twice a month if there are two sisters) take her out for

lunch or play cards or something. It may be more than they can stomach,

though, depending on what kind of nada she is! Also, maybe a church group or

a yoga class would keep her busy! BUT....I would make it clear that if she

doesn't take care of herself (meds, hygiene, etc) there will be no help!

Also, I would set a behavior boundary...no verbal abuse, etc.

Hope this helps!

Hugs,

the other Debbie!

[Guest guest]

Hello the other Debbie,

Yes, your idea about a bargin where she takes care of her self, and

then we see her on given dates is a good one. My older sister has

been trying to arrange this for a month or so now. The trouble is

that my mother doesn't like to " make plans " ...in other words she

likes to have our time and attention at her command 24/7, on her

terms. My sister is holding strong though...Her theropist must be a

gem!!! And her having just started!

I appreciate the advise and the support. You guys are great

Thanks,

Debbie

[Guest guest]

Hi Anyrae,

I know you're right. I know that it is her responsiblity. My head

knows that well, but how do I make that first leap? How do I actually

take those thoughts (the ones that tell me, " She CAN deal with it if

you leave her to it. And, she won't HATE you if you tell her 'no' " )

and turn them into action? The amount of guilt I feel is incredible

when I say no to her (well, to anybody for that matter) How did

you all decide that enough was enough?

Thanks for all the help here,

Debbie

> Now I see that if I had taken her in and

> let her live with me, she probably would have been able to tear

apart

> my relationship with my boyfriend and anyone else around me. I

feel

> for your brother, what a shame he is 30 and just now " allowed " to

> have a life. You don't sound harsh at all, you and the rest of

your

> siblings deserve happiness. You deserve your own life. She chose

> the path that has led her to where she is today, you didn't.

[Guest guest]

> I hope I have helped. I know this is long. If you don't have them

get the

> books Stop Walking On Eggshells and Understand the Bordeline Mother.

You have helped so much. Thank you. I will go out and get that book

before the weekend is out...I've heard about it, but didn't know if

it was worthwhile. You know, it's just a real comfort knowing that

others out there are going through the same thing. By itself, that is

a help (hiding our little family secret has become a way of life...we

are all just so SURE that nobody else would understand).

Thanks,

Debbie

[Guest guest]

Hi Hope (and everyone else who has welcomed me),

I appreciate the welcome. I feel like I've found a group of people

who understand what it was like, what is like, to have a parent like

mine...Although I feel for you all, I do like having the company.

I'm was very happy for my brother - until I heard from my Mom

yesterday. She told me (after saying, " Don't tell you sisters! " ) that

she's had him sleeping over there each night!!! Time for us to gang

up on her I guess...Now, how do I get ahold of my brother without my

mother knowing?

> Hi Debbie,

>

> It's not your job to make sure she's alright. She's an

> adult. You're her daughter, not her parent. It sounds like

> a good thing that your brother finally started to live his

> own life, too. You didn't sound harsh, just sane!!

>

[Guest guest]

You know, it's just a real comfort knowing that

others out there are going through the same thing. By itself, that is

a help (hiding our little family secret has become a way of life...we

are all just so SURE that nobody else would understand).

I know what you mean about family secrets. I was the best at keeping

them. We began our training young. Just lately I've started telling

people a little bit about my mom and living with her. BTW, how does anyone

else describe to others what their mom is like. When I try to describe it,

it sounds so benign. But without going into all the dirty details (which I

don't think some people need to know) it never sounds as bad as it is. What

do some of you say, when describing your NADA.

[Guest guest]

Debbie

This sounds so much like what I went through for a long time. Even now,

there are times when the guilt gets to me. " A good daughter wouldn't act

like this " . But those times are more and more less often now. We all get to

this point at different times. Don't push yourself and say things to

yourself like you should do this or you should feel this way. Read about

BP. That helped me a lot. It helped me to see that her actions were

predictable. When I first started this journey, it was very hard for me to

say no to my mom. And from reading your posts I feel my mom was acting very

much like yours. My therapist suggested that my husband intervene for me,

because I was so racked with guilt. We did that for awhile, until it became

more comfortable.

I had gotten to the point where I was a mess. I was so depressed. I was

anxious all the time. I would just sit around a shake. I'd come home from

work and sit down and veg out in front of the TV. At work I'd do a bunch of

busy work so I didn't have to think. I quit cooking dinner, I quit doing

everything I enjoyed. I just felt empty. At that point I decided I had had

enough.

You'll know when it is the right time for you. Trust yourself. Try writing

your thoughts in a journal. When I'm really out of sorts that works for me.

Like I said get some books on BP. Stop Walking On Eggshells and

Understanding the Borderline Mother. These were 2 of the best for me. Stay

on this list.

None of this happens overnight. At least not for me.

Re: need more posts

Hi Anyrae,

I know you're right. I know that it is her responsiblity. My head

knows that well, but how do I make that first leap? How do I actually

take those thoughts (the ones that tell me, " She CAN deal with it if

you leave her to it. And, she won't HATE you if you tell her 'no' " )

and turn them into action? The amount of guilt I feel is incredible

when I say no to her (well, to anybody for that matter) How did

you all decide that enough was enough?

Thanks for all the help here,

Debbie

> Now I see that if I had taken her in and

> let her live with me, she probably would have been able to tear

apart

> my relationship with my boyfriend and anyone else around me. I

feel

> for your brother, what a shame he is 30 and just now " allowed " to

> have a life. You don't sound harsh at all, you and the rest of

your

> siblings deserve happiness. You deserve your own life. She chose

> the path that has led her to where she is today, you didn't.

[Guest guest]

I tell people right off the top that I won't keep secrets. I HATE it when

my nada says " Don't tell your sister " or " Don't tell your brother " . I don't

play that game anymore. It's a way a game called divide and conquer. I

always tell my nada up front that I won't agree to that. Sorry, I'm very

passionate about this. My nada used it for years to keep me and my sibs

apart so we would only cater to HER.

I know it's easier said than done, but how would it hurt if your mother

found out you talked to your brother? Would you feel like you were

betraying her? Are you afraid she might get mad? If she did get mad, what

would be the worst that could happen?

Re: need more posts

Hi Hope (and everyone else who has welcomed me),

I appreciate the welcome. I feel like I've found a group of people

who understand what it was like, what is like, to have a parent like

mine...Although I feel for you all, I do like having the company.

I'm was very happy for my brother - until I heard from my Mom

yesterday. She told me (after saying, " Don't tell you sisters! " ) that

she's had him sleeping over there each night!!! Time for us to gang

up on her I guess...Now, how do I get ahold of my brother without my

mother knowing?

> Hi Debbie,

>

> It's not your job to make sure she's alright. She's an

> adult. You're her daughter, not her parent. It sounds like

> a good thing that your brother finally started to live his

> own life, too. You didn't sound harsh, just sane!!

>

[Guest guest]

I think it's because so much of it is so subtle. I cannot tell you how many

times I'd go to explain something and find myself wondering if I'M

overreacting!! (something I've been told all my life)

What helped me clear things with a friend of mine was when she would go with

me when I'd go to nada's. Nada couldn't help but trip herself up at some

point and my friend was there to see it.

I had a moment where I realized that nada's opinions still had some control

over me. The other day someone asked me about my hair. I was asked why I

was growing it out. ( I've had short hair for years!)I had decided to let it

grow out so that the hairdresser had something to work with for my daughters

wedding. My hair is now in the middle of my back, and I have grown to love

the feel of it when I turn my head and feel it move across my back.

I told this person that nada had told me that I wasn't attractive enough to

have long hair. That my face wasn't correct for long hair. She had told me

this when I was in second grade and had just cut off all of my long hair. It

was past my butt!!

Wow! light bulbs going off!!!

Those type of comments are painful, controlling, and manipulative. It really

isn't so much what they said or did but the pain and abandonment we felt,

that we struggle to explain.

I mean you can say *I hurt* but does that explain to others how you hurt,

where you hurt, how deep the hurt? These are things only you will know. And

those of us here on this list, We CAN understand! We've walked down the same

path.

I gave up trying to really explain to others in *normal ville.* All I do say

is that nada is ill and will not be responsible enough to take her

medication. I say that nada can take care of herself and be responsible with

her relationships with others. That if she will not, then I cannot allow her

to be around me or mine. (like with an alcoholic when they insist on

drinking). I got past the quilt awhile ago.(thanks to this list!)

Sorry to ramble,

;0)

..-- RE: Re: need more posts

You know, it's just a real comfort knowing that

others out there are going through the same thing. By itself, that is

a help (hiding our little family secret has become a way of life...we

are all just so SURE that nobody else would understand).

I know what you mean about family secrets. I was the best at keeping

them. We began our training young. Just lately I've started telling

people a little bit about my mom and living with her. BTW, how does anyone

else describe to others what their mom is like. When I try to describe it,

it sounds so benign. But without going into all the dirty details (which I

don't think some people need to know) it never sounds as bad as it is. What

do some of you say, when describing your NADA.

[Guest guest]

You know, I had to think about this for a minute. Now I remember the exact

time I took that first step. She had called me and told me to figure out

what we (sis & I) were going to do for/with her. I of course immediately

started thinking about all the different options, retirement comm. Hotel, how

much money we could come up with...then when I called my sister to talk to

her about it, she just simply said don't call her back. And that is just

what I did. It was like someone flipped a switch in my head and I just knew

that I did not have to fix her problems. After that the no's just kept

coming. I didn't even have to say no the first time, I just didn't say yes,

actually didn't say anything. Good luck to you and your siblings with her.

It will get easier! It is always darkest before dawn, right? At least

that's what I hear.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 7/13/02 10:06:33 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

Debbie.Cottrell@... writes:

> in other words she

> likes to have our time and attention at her command 24/7, on her

> terms

Debbie,

Well, it seems like nada will have to learn that you and you sisters are not

at her beck and call anymore! You have grown up, now it is time for her to

grow up too! Keep strong and keep posting!

Hugs,

the other Debbie :-)

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 7/13/02 11:22:46 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

hnjstaff@... writes:

> BTW, how does anyone

> else describe to others what their mom is like.

Hi All,

Most of my friends have seen Megatron in action, and fortunately for me most

of my husband's friends have seen her oldest sister in action. This has made

my life easier! The people who don't know her, don't understand...but

calling her Megatron gets the point across! My in-laws and my husband, God

bless them, have known Megatron's sister for the past 20 years. They have

been toe-to-toe with her BP behavior. This helps them understand what my

mother is like, as well as helps them support my decision to maintain

distance from Megatron and her whole family. I haven't had the need to tell

too many " new " people about her behavior...lucky me!

Hugs,

Debbie

[Guest guest]

,

I think that's a very good approach. I'm going to borrow it, okay? I

can keep a secret and that's a problem when it causes so much harm to

everyone. Of course with my friends, I just know when to keep my

mouth shut if it's said in confidence, but things like with nada and

the whole BPD family- they could use for some mental/spiritual house

cleaning. The greatest shame is not releasing the shame. Secrets

breed shame and by holding on to them, it does create an enabling

sense for someone else's shame and I see that now through your post.

" The truth will set you free " and " The truth is more unbelievable than

fiction " . Thanks for the lightbulb moment.

Kere

> > Hi Debbie,

> >

> > It's not your job to make sure she's alright. She's an

> > adult. You're her daughter, not her parent. It sounds like

> > a good thing that your brother finally started to live his

> > own life, too. You didn't sound harsh, just sane!!

> >

>

>

>

>