‘Asperger’s saved our marriage’

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`Asperger's saved our marriage'

Apr 25 2010 by Horton, Wales On Sunday

WHEN was told her husband had Asperger's syndrome she cried

for joy and they both celebrated with a slap-up meal.

The reaction from the parents of two autistic sons was so unusual because it was

a diagnosis that saved their marriage.

Because had reached breaking point with their relationship as a result of

's strange ways.

The 46-year-old said: " When we first got together I had a job in Caerphilly

Miners Hospital as a dietitian and was a gardener working for Cardiff

County Council.

" I loved socialising but was never into socialising but I just put it down

to him being different. Now looking back I recall always had to have

everything planned.

" When we had a trip out in the car had to know where he was going, when and

how long it would take, everything had to be structured and concrete. "

It was watching their sons , 18, and Luke, 14, learning to overcome their

difficulties that first led to suspect that he too had an autistic spectrum

disorder.

and married in 1987 in 's home city of Swansea and their first

son was born in October 1991. Following three miscarriages, Luke was born

in 1996 and, with their family complete, life seemed quite sweet.

But at the age of five, not long after started school, teachers noticed he

wasn't developing as quickly as other children. In 1998, following 18 months of

assessments for , received the alarming news that he was autistic.

" When the consultant told me, wasn't with me and I hadn't heard of autism

before, " said.

" I didn't have a clue what it was all about. All I knew was that it would affect

's development. I came away thinking `I don't understand my own son.' "

On that very same day the family suffered a further blow when youngest son Luke

suffered a fit and ended up seriously ill in hospital.

" It was too much for me and I went into shutdown mode, " she recalled.

" I thought `oh my God' Luke is going to die or he's going to come out of it a

cabbage. I must have screamed and cried. I just sat on the bed and sobbed my

heart out. I had a nervous breakdown. I have to be honest that was the worst

moment of my life. "

As a result of her ordeal, began crying uncontrollably every day and was

prescribed anti-depressants. She gave up work to concentrate on looking after

her sons.

In 1999 the family moved to their current home in Caerphilly. fought hard

to get into a special autistic unit where he blossomed.

But just four months later had an even bigger battle on her hands when,

at the age of two, Luke also began showing signs of autism.

" I could see it was happening but the problem was that I think I didn't want to

know, " said .

" He wasn't developing speech and he would only eat certain things. So when I was

given the diagnosis I just knew. I thought God, this is unbelievable: one son,

two sons with autism, what's next?

" Then reality kicked in and I thought `I'll have to start fighting for Luke now

as well. "

Sadly, Luke's autism was a lot different than 's condition and demanded even

more attention.

Whereas could talk and communicate well, Luke was trapped in his own

internal world which meant he was unable to join his brother at the special

autistic unit. Instead, Luke was placed at Trinity Fields Special School in

Ystrad Mynach but only after another long fight by .

Again the battle to try and get the best possible care and support for and

Luke had taken its toll on as well as her marriage.

" We hit a hard patch, " she said. " I was there writing to MPs, going to

solicitors and doing all the donkey work fighting for the boys' rights whereas

was just coming in from work and seemed uninterested.

" I knew he wasn't good at anything like that. But I'd say to him `For God's sake

they're autistic', and he'd say `OK, we'll deal with it.' He never really

saw the magnitude of it all.

" I needed support, empathy and reassurance that everything was going to be OK

but couldn't give me that. We were drifting apart and the gap kept getting

wider. We were talking about divorce. "

Then out of the blue dropped a bombshell on .

" I saw sitting on top of the stairs sobbing his eyes out, crying like a

baby. I said `What's the matter ' and he said `I think I'm autistic!' I said

`For God's sake, , don't bloody start; a joke's a joke, get real.'

" Then I realised he was serious. He said, `The thing is I see in myself,

what's happening to now happened to me when I was his age.'

" I couldn't believe it because is quite intellectual. He knows a lot about

everything, from the planets to the theory of relativity. He started to tell me

about things he had never told me before.

" We'd been married for 13 years and I'd never once realised that my husband had

problems too. "

Then as recounted the misery of his younger years of growing up in relative

isolation the penny dropped for .

" I thought, yes, you're right because had never stepped in and helped me in

coping with the magnitude of the situation. Looking back now I understand that

never realised the significance of having two autistic sons.

" I didn't understand the real significance of their education, development and

independence, so how could he? And I learned that if you overwhelm an autistic

person they will just retreat into themselves. "

Determined to give her husband the support she had shown to their sons,

took to their GP who prescribed anti-depressants. She also insisted that

be referred to their boys' consultant.

Within months, was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, prompting their

bizarre reaction.

" We looked at each other, smiled and hugged – then we went out of a meal to

celebrate, " she said.

" We were relieved and overjoyed. We had been talking about divorce but this

meant we had proof there was something wrong.

" I could cope with being disabled. What I couldn't have coped with was

putting all the responsibility on me and being unsupportive, if that makes

sense.

" was my husband, there was just a part of him I'd never identified before,

and I loved him. He had Asperger's, I could handle that. In fact it made him

more special. "

Over the years the family have overcome many obstacles, from struggling to get

support and services to coping with public ignorance over autism.

, who is still on medication for depression, said: " Because the boys look

normal people do not realise that anything is wrong.

" I've had people shout out in a supermarket `someone shut that kid up' to some

locals who simply don't understand that it can't be controlled.

" can talk and write and he's even done so well to the point of winning

three bronze medals at last year's Special Olympics of which we are very proud.

" He's even something of a local celebrity as everyone knows him. But I couldn't

send him down the shop on his own as he wouldn't be able to handle buying

something with money, change and all that.

" Whereas Luke cannot talk but can communicate only with gestures, by pointing to

pictures which he often throws out of windows and he needs personal hygiene

care. Although they both have autism they are so very different in their

abilities. Both of them are vulnerable, they'll always be vulnerable, but it's

something that and I get through together now.

" They're our children and they're special. Having two autistic children is

uncommon but having a dad with Asperger's, which is the higher end of the

autistic spectrum, is what makes our family so very special and I would say

exceptionally unique. "