Adult kids feel sting when mom picks favourites

July 4, 2010

2325/story.html

Reuters

Toddlers throwing tantrums and adolescent sibling rivalry are the norm when

children clamor for their mother's attention.

But when kids hit their 20s and beyond, wondering if they are mom's favorite

still has repercussions that could lead to a visit to a therapist's office,

according to a study by a professor at Cornell University in Ithaca, New York.

The study, which looked at 275 relationships between mothers and grown children

in the Boston area, explored the link between parental favoritism and signs of

depression.

" Parental differentiation among children seems to have important effects on

psychological well-being -- even when the children are in middle age, " said Karl

Pillemer, a professor of human development at Cornell.

More than two-thirds of mothers interviewed showed favoritism toward one of

their adult children when asked whether they had a stronger emotional bond or

more conflict with a particular child. And a whopping 90% of the adult children

thought their mother had a preference for who would take care of her in old age.

Answers also crushed the notion that heightened depression was linked only to

non-favored siblings. Pilleamer and co-author Jill Suitor of Purdue University

found that the so-called golden children also struggled.

Favored children often wrangle with feelings of guilt and feel obligated to care

for their parents later in life, the researchers said.

Siblings who perceived favoritism from their parents also generally reported

poorer quality relationships with each other, said Pillemer.

Bringing into the open that many parents do have preferences among their

children is a first step to addressing some of the bad feelings associated with

favoritism, he said.

But accepting that some level of parental preference is normal may be hard for

families to understand.

" It doesn't mean parents don't love all their children, " said Pillemer. " But

that children are all different and parents relate to them differently. "

(Editing by Ros Krasny and O'Callaghan)

REUTERS Reut16:23 06-29-10

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