Re: How to tell little brother about OCD

[Guest guest]

We had to deal with this in my house several years ago.  My son has OCD and has

a younger sister who has unfortunately had to witness many outburts and

meltdowns and has been pulled into rituals.  We did not tell her at first

because we felt that she was so young and would not be able to understand, but

as our son got worse and she got older we knew we needed to talk to her.  I

tried to keep it age appropriate - that is key.  Dont over talk or use words

that will confuse them.  The term OCD will not mean much at this point, you can

give it a name is he asks, but otherwise here is what we did:

I told her that her brother has lots of worries and sometime those worries get

so big he doesn't know how to handle it, so he is still learning that part. 

She

was able to relate to having a worry, as everyone can, so it made it less

scary.  over time we used the term OCD in front of her and explained that its

the term people use when someone has really big worries and cant stop them.  We

talked about a hiccup in the brain and things of that nature as well.

I think you are right to trust your intuition, i am sure your son knows

something is not right and the not knowing is probably scarier than what you

chose to tell him.  Sometimes when kids aren't given information they draw

their

own conclusions.  Give him the information in a quite place without his brother

there so he can respond and ask questions without worrying what his brother will

say.  I also did a lot of validating for my daughter, letting her know that it

was ok to be frustrated with certain behaviors.  I hope this helps!  Good

luck!

Connecticut

________________________________

To:

Sent: Wed, March 2, 2011 10:32:55 PM

Subject: How to tell little brother about OCD

 

My 9 yr old (E) has OCD (hoarding). He shares a room with his 7 yr old brother

(. E has wanted to keep OCD private. He has not shared this with his brother

yet. Only my husband and I know about it (per E's request)

This afternoon we cleaned and organized the boy's bedroom. I was very conscious

of the fact that we were getting rid of some things and let E be in control of

this. While organizing the bookshelf (which has 100s of books on it) E and B

both agreed that we could get rid of 4 preschool level books. But, tonight at

bedtime, E was really struggling with that decision. We had a great talk about

bossing back the OCD, the fact that he is stronger than this feeling, that if he

defeats it tonight he will be weakening the OCD, etc. He did awesome! It was a

big struggle, but he did it! Here is my dilemma: His little brother, B, was in

the bedroom while E and I were in the hallway. I know B heard E crying and us

talking quietly in the hall. He knows something is up and I'm sure he is

worried. I don't want to break E's trust by telling B what's going on. I really

want E to tell B himself. How can I help him do this? What should I tell B in

the meantime until E is ready to do so?

Thanks for your help with this. I look forward to hearing your ideas.

[Guest guest]

Not sure that at age 7 he needs a big explanation. My kids are 2 yrs apart too

and the eldest is also the affected one. I told my daughter what was going on

in terms of what my son's challenges were and what he was capable or incapable

of controlling. I explained that everyone has things to work on and 's

things were different from mine and hers. I told that although

isn't working on the things he's working on, she has needs too that I will have

to help her with just as I help him.

As they got older, I gave more detail. My daughter is now 10 and I am beginning

to talk in terms of diagnoses. It isn't easy for her, but I think she really

does understand his limitations and she is kind and understanding most of the

time.

There are a few things that your younger one might need help with...He may need

to know that his brother's challenges won't automatically become his challenges.

He needs to know that his needs will be met too. He needs to understand what

hurts and what helps his brother. When they get older he may need you to

understand how the mental illness may affect his own social relationships.

I think my daughter feared that she would also become a sufferer and it was/is

hard to explain why we can't always do things in a carefree manner (family

decisions always have to consider our limitations). Whenever my son is acting

out, she kind of has to wait longer for things, ect.... I try to avoid

resentment between them by really living it up in stable times so we'd have good

memories to get us through the tough times and I always (and still do) carve out

special time that I spend with my daughter daily. She has a full social life

and extracurricular activites that she enjoys outside her homelife. I now make

their dental and doctor appointments separately because my son's anxiety

sometimes embarrasses her and she's too young to be expected to handle that the

way that I do. I think she's happy and well adjusted, but it's not perfect

either. I know I'm doing the best I can and I hope she comes to that comclusion

too someday.

Mental illness has so many implications even under just one roof!

Bonnie

>

> My 9 yr old (E) has OCD (hoarding). He shares a room with his 7 yr old brother

(. E has wanted to keep OCD private. He has not shared this with his brother

yet. Only my husband and I know about it (per E's request)

>

> This afternoon we cleaned and organized the boy's bedroom. I was very

conscious of the fact that we were getting rid of some things and let E be in

control of this. While organizing the bookshelf (which has 100s of books on it)

E and B both agreed that we could get rid of 4 preschool level books. But,

tonight at bedtime, E was really struggling with that decision. We had a great

talk about bossing back the OCD, the fact that he is stronger than this feeling,

that if he defeats it tonight he will be weakening the OCD, etc. He did awesome!

It was a big struggle, but he did it! Here is my dilemma: His little brother, B,

was in the bedroom while E and I were in the hallway. I know B heard E crying

and us talking quietly in the hall. He knows something is up and I'm sure he is

worried. I don't want to break E's trust by telling B what's going on. I really

want E to tell B himself. How can I help him do this? What should I tell B in

the meantime until E is ready to do so?

>

> Thanks for your help with this. I look forward to hearing your ideas.

>

[Guest guest]

I know I have kept my daughter's secret and I don't

know that I have helped her in doing so. In my daughter

she feels shame that she has any issues that are not typical.

And she has refused therapy too. We are at the point at 13,

that she either has to accept that she has anxiety or she is

than a truant kid that avoids school and hits her mother.

I see my husband wants to deny that there is a problem and it is

very hard for him to share his own anxiety issues or those

in his family. Secrets in the end are not healthy.

They led to dysfunctional family behaviors.

Pam

>

> My 9 yr old (E) has OCD (hoarding). He shares a room with his 7 yr old brother

(. E has wanted to keep OCD private. He has not shared this with his brother

yet. Only my husband and I know about it (per E's request)

>

> This afternoon we cleaned and organized the boy's bedroom. I was very

conscious of the fact that we were getting rid of some things and let E be in

control of this. While organizing the bookshelf (which has 100s of books on it)

E and B both agreed that we could get rid of 4 preschool level books. But,

tonight at bedtime, E was really struggling with that decision. We had a great

talk about bossing back the OCD, the fact that he is stronger than this feeling,

that if he defeats it tonight he will be weakening the OCD, etc. He did awesome!

It was a big struggle, but he did it! Here is my dilemma: His little brother, B,

was in the bedroom while E and I were in the hallway. I know B heard E crying

and us talking quietly in the hall. He knows something is up and I'm sure he is

worried. I don't want to break E's trust by telling B what's going on. I really

want E to tell B himself. How can I help him do this? What should I tell B in

the meantime until E is ready to do so?

>

> Thanks for your help with this. I look forward to hearing your ideas.

>

[Guest guest]

I think with siblings that when we do tell them that dd/ds is having

worries/OCD/whatever that they need to understand that you may handle some

things differently (consequences) with *this* child than you will them because

ds/dd has these *big worries* and they don't, etc.

So, say, ds/dd has a huge meltdown or gets mouthy a bit, you may calm them but

if sibling has a behavior then it *may* be handled differently. Not sure if

explaining this well, but with OCD I knew where issues were coming from; with

other sons, they should behave better/know better (simply put) in their

reactions, behavior.... So consequences could differ. (Trying to cut down on

complaining that when HE did that, you didn't....) Also, OCD son did get his

way a little bit due to my not wanting to stress him, get him anxious, trigger

OCDing before homework weeknights.

But siblings should understand that it is something the family and ds/dd are

working on to overcome, this is just *for now.*

Just a thought,

>

> We had to deal with this in my house several years ago.  My son has OCD and

has

> a younger sister who has unfortunately had to witness many outburts and

> meltdowns and has been pulled into rituals.  We did not tell her at first

> because we felt that she was so young and would not be able to understand, but

> as our son got worse and she got older we knew we needed to talk to her.  I

> tried to keep it age appropriate - that is key.  Dont over talk or use words

> that will confuse them.  The term OCD will not mean much at this point, you

can

> give it a name is he asks, but otherwise here is what we did:

> I told her that her brother has lots of worries and sometime those worries get

> so big he doesn't know how to handle it, so he is still learning that part. 

She

> was able to relate to having a worry, as everyone can, so it made it less

> scary.  over time we used the term OCD in front of her and explained that its

> the term people use when someone has really big worries and cant stop them. 

We

> talked about a hiccup in the brain and things of that nature as well.

> I think you are right to trust your intuition, i am sure your son knows

> something is not right and the not knowing is probably scarier than what you

> chose to tell him.  Sometimes when kids aren't given information they draw

their

> own conclusions.  Give him the information in a quite place without his

brother

> there so he can respond and ask questions without worrying what his brother

will

> say.  I also did a lot of validating for my daughter, letting her know that

it

> was ok to be frustrated with certain behaviors.  I hope this helps!  Good

luck!

>

>

> Connecticut

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To:

> Sent: Wed, March 2, 2011 10:32:55 PM

> Subject: How to tell little brother about OCD

>

>  

> My 9 yr old (E) has OCD (hoarding). He shares a room with his 7 yr old brother

> (. E has wanted to keep OCD private. He has not shared this with his brother

> yet. Only my husband and I know about it (per E's request)

>

>

> This afternoon we cleaned and organized the boy's bedroom. I was very

conscious

> of the fact that we were getting rid of some things and let E be in control of

> this. While organizing the bookshelf (which has 100s of books on it) E and B

> both agreed that we could get rid of 4 preschool level books. But, tonight at

> bedtime, E was really struggling with that decision. We had a great talk about

> bossing back the OCD, the fact that he is stronger than this feeling, that if

he

> defeats it tonight he will be weakening the OCD, etc. He did awesome! It was a

> big struggle, but he did it! Here is my dilemma: His little brother, B, was in

> the bedroom while E and I were in the hallway. I know B heard E crying and us

> talking quietly in the hall. He knows something is up and I'm sure he is

> worried. I don't want to break E's trust by telling B what's going on. I

really

> want E to tell B himself. How can I help him do this? What should I tell B in

> the meantime until E is ready to do so?

>

> Thanks for your help with this. I look forward to hearing your ideas.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I have had to deal with this dynamic in our family, as our 11yr has OCD and her

younger brothers, 8 and 5 are very worried about her when something is wrong.

What I have done is to tell her younger brothers that she is having a problem

and that it is called OCD and it makes her very upset sometimes. I let them know

that Mom and Dad are helping her and even a doctor is helping and even though

it's hard sometimes, she will get through it.

I have even said that she doesn't want to talk about it because it's a private

thing and I've told them when its easier for her, that I'm sure she will tell

them about it. (i.e. a little bit...)

I have also talked to my daughter and reminded her that her siblings get worried

when they don't understand what's going on and they see her upset, etc...

She has had OCD for almost 2 yrs and over time, as she has been more comfortable

with her OCD and gotten better, she has been able to share a bit with them.

IMO, the younger siblings KNOW something is off and it's not helpful to tell

them it's not, just makes them feel nuts, ya know?

There's my opinion, hope it helps!

>>

To:

From: susanonderko@...

Date: Thu, 3 Mar 2011 15:41:07 +0000

Subject: Re: How to tell little brother about OCD

I know I have kept my daughter's secret and I don't

know that I have helped her in doing so. In my daughter

she feels shame that she has any issues that are not typical.

And she has refused therapy too. We are at the point at 13,

that she either has to accept that she has anxiety or she is

than a truant kid that avoids school and hits her mother.

I see my husband wants to deny that there is a problem and it is

very hard for him to share his own anxiety issues or those

in his family. Secrets in the end are not healthy.

They led to dysfunctional family behaviors.

Pam

>

> My 9 yr old (E) has OCD (hoarding). He shares a room with his 7 yr old brother

(. E has wanted to keep OCD private. He has not shared this with his brother

yet. Only my husband and I know about it (per E's request)

>

> This afternoon we cleaned and organized the boy's bedroom. I was very

conscious of the fact that we were getting rid of some things and let E be in

control of this. While organizing the bookshelf (which has 100s of books on it)

E and B both agreed that we could get rid of 4 preschool level books. But,

tonight at bedtime, E was really struggling with that decision. We had a great

talk about bossing back the OCD, the fact that he is stronger than this feeling,

that if he defeats it tonight he will be weakening the OCD, etc. He did awesome!

It was a big struggle, but he did it! Here is my dilemma: His little brother, B,

was in the bedroom while E and I were in the hallway. I know B heard E crying

and us talking quietly in the hall. He knows something is up and I'm sure he is

worried. I don't want to break E's trust by telling B what's going on. I really

want E to tell B himself. How can I help him do this? What should I tell B in

the meantime until E is ready to do so?

>

> Thanks for your help with this. I look forward to hearing your ideas.

>