Re: Guilt

October 13, 2003

Courage,

THANK YOU.....you took the words right from my mouth.....

mlh

Guilt

Hi All,

Yesterday we celebrated the Canadian Thanksgiving and most of my immediate

family came to see mom. It was a nice day but very tiring. I decided not to go

in and care for mom today but made sure that there would be someone else at home

with her besides my dad who likes to leave her on her own no matter how much I

explain that he can't do this anymore. Everyone has so much to do and I

understand that but why do I always feel guilty if my " time off " puts them out?

I can't go one like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so freakin' tired all the time

no matter how much sleep I get. I hate feeling like I'm letting mom or my

family down when I don't go in (see, like it's a JOB!). How the hell did I get

myself in this situation! Everyone verbally agrees that I need time to myself

but when I say I'm not coming in I'm practically begging them to forgive me and

allow me the day off and I can hear the disapproval in their voices. Now I'm

wracked with guilt and pissed off.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I've got to do something about this as I know that mom's needs are going to

increase and I just can't do it on my own - neither emotionally or physically!

Thanks for letting me rant

Courage

Please follow this link to learn more about Lewy Body Dementia

http://www.lewybodydisease.org

October 13, 2003

Hi Courage

I can relate to the exhaustion. I had my son coming from Windsor for this

weekend. I also had to go to the trailer and close up. Mom's caregiver was

leaving Sunday afternoon and so I went to the trailer thursday night and

brought the frozen turkey and sausage (stuffing) with me. My husband

stuffed the bird early Sunday morning and I finished cleaning out the food

and the fridge etc. by 10:45 am. I then drove to the train station

(Guildwood) and bought him his ticket and then on home to " throw the turkey

in the oven " . I then prepared the veggies and potatoes, cleaned the living

room/dining room and kitchen area while conversing with my sons who told me

that they would like to take their sister bowling. Off I drive to

Thorncliffe Bowlerama where I pay for them to play an hour of bowling. They

were going to pay the rest so that they could bowl for an hour and a half.

I left there and checked out a furniture store that has couches on sale (Mom

needs one badly) and then dropped in Zellers to check out luggage for the

Cancun trip in November. I saw a jean skirt on sale and so had to try it

on. Bought it for $10 as well as a new purse and then went home. I got

home and 15 minutes later the kids phoned me and I had to go back and get

them. My husband picked up his mother while I was out. Before I left to

take the kids bowling, I paid the caregiver and she left. Mom was alone for

about an hour and then I called her to come in (she lives next door). After

supper my husband drove his mother back while I cleaned up from dinner. We

played cards (mom watched) and then I took her home and got her ready for

bed (diaper, pj's, medicine, eye drops etc.) and finally settled down to 15

minutes of TV before I was falling asleep. I said goodnight and went to bed

about 11 pm.

Today, I got up and had breakfast then went in to mom's and helped her with

medicine and also with coffee as she had poured the boiling water for the

instant coffee into the instant coffee jar.

Oops! So I called my daughter to bring her a cup of the coffee in the coffee

pot from my house.

I gave medicine and then took down her shear curtains (as they were

disgustingly dirty) and threw them in the wash with the wet bed clothes and

pj's. I then sorted many containers of odds and ends in the cupboard in the

laundry room so I could make room for the many boxes of tools mom has

" collected " in her bedroom (so I can make room for the commode chair I

bought her). I also had to move the stereo out (she hasn't used it in

years) to the dining room next door. In doing so I blew a fuse that seemed

to have everything on the main floor and some lights on the basement area

out. As I was struggling to move the stereo with the records on it into the

other room, mom comments " I know you are taking something, I had money in

those record covers... "

Well I flipped. I went right over the edge. I screamed at her that I would

never never take her money, that I did everything I could to save her money

and that I couldn't f**king believe it!!!

Then I just screamed " AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH " twice at the top of my lungs

before reducing myself into a pile of sobbing daughter. Mom stared at me

and then said I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it but I kept on crying and

crying for about 5 minutes. Then I finished setting up the stereo and

turned on a record and played the music. It was some soothing crooning

music from long ago and then mom cried because she liked it so much. I was

okay again and it seemed so was she. Then she came in for lunch, and then I

walked her back home and then we drove my son to Union Station to get the

train and I took the subway home as I waited with him until he left. Then I

cooked dinner (again) for us and mom, and the caregiver who was supposed to

arrive around 10 pm arrived about 7 pm...yippee! I couldn't believe how

tired I was...

So I paid bills and read some messages and now I feel like bed is in order.

By the way, Courage, it was me who has the diverticulitis...quite an expert

I am on the pain of that one...sorry to hear that you are plagued with it

too...Metamucil is my best friend...as it keeps things from being caught up

in the " pockets " ...

Kath

Guilt

> Hi All,

>

> Yesterday we celebrated the Canadian Thanksgiving and most of my immediate

family came to see mom. It was a nice day but very tiring. I decided not

to go in and care for mom today but made sure that there would be someone

else at home with her besides my dad who likes to leave her on her own no

matter how much I explain that he can't do this anymore. Everyone has so

much to do and I understand that but why do I always feel guilty if my " time

off " puts them out?

> I can't go one like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so freakin' tired all the

time no matter how much sleep I get. I hate feeling like I'm letting mom or

my family down when I don't go in (see, like it's a JOB!). How the hell did

I get myself in this situation! Everyone verbally agrees that I need time

to myself but when I say I'm not coming in I'm practically begging them to

forgive me and allow me the day off and I can hear the disapproval in their

voices. Now I'm wracked with guilt and pissed off.

> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

> I've got to do something about this as I know that mom's needs are going

to increase and I just can't do it on my own - neither emotionally or

physically!

> Thanks for letting me rant

> Courage

>

> Please follow this link to learn more about Lewy Body Dementia

> http://www.lewybodydisease.org

>

October 13, 2003

Kath,

I am exhausted for you after reading your post! The thing I don't

understand is that I used to have so much more energy and doing the things I

do today would not have had me as tired. Also, when I'm at mom's I'm always

picking up, sorting, washing, doing laundry that when I get home I can't

stand to do anymore and will make myself a pot of tea and collapse on the

sofa - this isn't much of a life. I can't understand why I never feel

rested - I suppose it's my brain that never quits thinking ahead about what

needs doing or the sense of responsibility that can be overwhelming.

After my daughter's wedding I am going to print out the Caregivers rights

page and have a family pow wow with my siblings - I cannot go on like this

unless they start buying me speed to live on!!!!!!!!!!

Hope we can both feel some peace and rest soon.

Courage

Re: Guilt

>Hi Courage

>

>I can relate to the exhaustion. I had my son coming from Windsor for this

>weekend. I also had to go to the trailer and close up. Mom's caregiver

was

>leaving Sunday afternoon and so I went to the trailer thursday night and

>brought the frozen turkey and sausage (stuffing) with me. My husband

>stuffed the bird early Sunday morning and I finished cleaning out the food

>and the fridge etc. by 10:45 am. I then drove to the train station

>(Guildwood) and bought him his ticket and then on home to " throw the turkey

>in the oven " . I then prepared the veggies and potatoes, cleaned the living

>room/dining room and kitchen area while conversing with my sons who told me

>that they would like to take their sister bowling. Off I drive to

>Thorncliffe Bowlerama where I pay for them to play an hour of bowling.

They

>were going to pay the rest so that they could bowl for an hour and a half.

>I left there and checked out a furniture store that has couches on sale

(Mom

>needs one badly) and then dropped in Zellers to check out luggage for the

>Cancun trip in November. I saw a jean skirt on sale and so had to try it

>on. Bought it for $10 as well as a new purse and then went home. I got

>home and 15 minutes later the kids phoned me and I had to go back and get

>them. My husband picked up his mother while I was out. Before I left to

>take the kids bowling, I paid the caregiver and she left. Mom was alone

for

>about an hour and then I called her to come in (she lives next door).

After

>supper my husband drove his mother back while I cleaned up from dinner. We

>played cards (mom watched) and then I took her home and got her ready for

>bed (diaper, pj's, medicine, eye drops etc.) and finally settled down to 15

>minutes of TV before I was falling asleep. I said goodnight and went to

bed

>about 11 pm.

>

>Today, I got up and had breakfast then went in to mom's and helped her with

>medicine and also with coffee as she had poured the boiling water for the

>instant coffee into the instant coffee jar.

>Oops! So I called my daughter to bring her a cup of the coffee in the

coffee

>pot from my house.

>I gave medicine and then took down her shear curtains (as they were

>disgustingly dirty) and threw them in the wash with the wet bed clothes and

>pj's. I then sorted many containers of odds and ends in the cupboard in

the

>laundry room so I could make room for the many boxes of tools mom has

> " collected " in her bedroom (so I can make room for the commode chair I

>bought her). I also had to move the stereo out (she hasn't used it in

>years) to the dining room next door. In doing so I blew a fuse that seemed

>to have everything on the main floor and some lights on the basement area

>out. As I was struggling to move the stereo with the records on it into

the

>other room, mom comments " I know you are taking something, I had money in

>those record covers... "

>

>Well I flipped. I went right over the edge. I screamed at her that I

would

>never never take her money, that I did everything I could to save her money

>and that I couldn't f**king believe it!!!

>Then I just screamed " AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH " twice at the top of my

lungs

>before reducing myself into a pile of sobbing daughter. Mom stared at me

>and then said I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it but I kept on crying and

>crying for about 5 minutes. Then I finished setting up the stereo and

>turned on a record and played the music. It was some soothing crooning

>music from long ago and then mom cried because she liked it so much. I was

>okay again and it seemed so was she. Then she came in for lunch, and then

I

>walked her back home and then we drove my son to Union Station to get the

>train and I took the subway home as I waited with him until he left. Then

I

>cooked dinner (again) for us and mom, and the caregiver who was supposed to

>arrive around 10 pm arrived about 7 pm...yippee! I couldn't believe how

>tired I was...

>

>So I paid bills and read some messages and now I feel like bed is in order.

>

>By the way, Courage, it was me who has the diverticulitis...quite an expert

>I am on the pain of that one...sorry to hear that you are plagued with it

>too...Metamucil is my best friend...as it keeps things from being caught up

>in the " pockets " ...

>

>Kath

>

> Guilt

>

>> Hi All,

>>

>> Yesterday we celebrated the Canadian Thanksgiving and most of my

immediate

>family came to see mom. It was a nice day but very tiring. I decided not

>to go in and care for mom today but made sure that there would be someone

>else at home with her besides my dad who likes to leave her on her own no

>matter how much I explain that he can't do this anymore. Everyone has so

>much to do and I understand that but why do I always feel guilty if my

" time

>off " puts them out?

>> I can't go one like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so freakin' tired all the

>time no matter how much sleep I get. I hate feeling like I'm letting mom

or

>my family down when I don't go in (see, like it's a JOB!). How the hell

did

>I get myself in this situation! Everyone verbally agrees that I need time

>to myself but when I say I'm not coming in I'm practically begging them to

>forgive me and allow me the day off and I can hear the disapproval in their

>voices. Now I'm wracked with guilt and pissed off.

>> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

>> I've got to do something about this as I know that mom's needs are going

>to increase and I just can't do it on my own - neither emotionally or

>physically!

>> Thanks for letting me rant

>> Courage

>>

>> Please follow this link to learn more about Lewy Body Dementia

>> http://www.lewybodydisease.org

>>

October 13, 2003

Happy Turkey day, Courage and our Canada friends.

Donna

October 14, 2003

Thanks Donna...Gobble gobble!

Kath

Re: Guilt

> Happy Turkey day, Courage and our Canada friends.

>

> Donna

>

July 4, 2005

,

Thanks so much for sharing these wonderful quotes on guilt with us!!

I know, I too often get burdened by guilt, or get down on myself, for what I

don't do. But, instead if I be grateful for what I can accomplish, and keep

going ahead, ...I'll make more progress than if I throw my hands up and wallow

in guilt. Thanks again for sharing these!!! Love & Hugs, PJ

RareBreeeze@... wrote:

GUILT

" When guilt rears its ugly head confront it, discuss it and let

it go. The past is over. It is time to ask what can we do right,

not what did we do wrong. Forgive yourself and move on. "

--Bernie S. Siegel

" I have made it a rule of my life never to regret and never to

look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy . . . you canâ€™t

build on it; itâ€™s only good for wallowing in. "

-- Mansfield

" If we don't forgive ourselves for our mistakes, and others for

the wounds they have inflicted upon us, we end up crippled with

guilt. And the soul cannot grow under a blanket of guilt, because

guilt is isolating, while growth is a gradual process of

reconnection to ourselves, to other people, and to a larger

whole. "

-- Joan Borysenko

" Light burdens borne far become heavy. "

-- French proverb

****************************************************************

Â© Reproductions Permitted: http://www.higherawareness.com

January 24, 2011

Ahhhh.... touche!

LT

In a message dated 1/24/2011 8:59:38 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,

@... writes:

" well how do you think *I* feel??!! " Put me in my place!

January 24, 2011

Debbie,

Â

I think it is normal to feel that way and I am glad that you came here to admit

it. So many people think that you shouldnt feel those things and especially

never admit to them.

Â

My daughter just turned 12 this month, I went through those emotions too and

sometimes I feel them when her OCD is messing up something important to me or

the family. But I have to take a minute and wonder how she feels, it has got to

be terrible living inside her head/body.

Â

My daughter started on Zoloft and CBT in Sept and is a completely different

person, she is more manageable and we have open lines of communication about how

she is feeling. Everyday is a learning experience and a challenge. Yesterday I

realized that her friends should only stay for a short visit because at a

certain point she just cant cope anymore. We identify a problem and talk to the

therapist about it and he always has an aswer for how to approach it next time.

Is your son getting Therapy?

Â

Subject: Guilt

To:

Date: Monday, January 24, 2011, 5:00 PM

Â

I love my son very much, but I hate him. I hate his anxiety, I hate his OCD. I

hate what it is doing to our family. Most times I wish he would just go away.

How does one deal with this sort of guilt? I do home day care and most days he

is a pain in the ass with the other kids. He is going to be 12 next month, but

act very immature most days. Is this a normal feeling to have?

Thanks,

Debbie

January 24, 2011

Hi Debbie, I often had to remind myself that it was the OCD I hated, was fed up

with, not my son. I know it FELT like I didn't like my son (and he felt that

way sometimes too) and I would repeat to myself " it's the OCD, it's the OCD... "

Is his OCD having him boss, make demands with the other kids at day care? Do

you think any of it is just the *age* (12/teen)?

And, yes, it's a normal feeling you have.

Sometimes it helped me to think of how I would respond, feel, if this were some

other child (not mine) and I could react more appropriately. Sort of take a

step back and try to look at it from another perspective as if he wasn't my son.

(and that helps with just dealing with plain teenage years/no OCD too!) Didn't

always find an answer, but it helped take some of the emotional bad feelings out

of it. (don't know if any of that makes sense but best way I can explain it

right now!)

>

> I love my son very much, but I hate him. I hate his anxiety, I hate his OCD.

I hate what it is doing to our family. Most times I wish he would just go away.

How does one deal with this sort of guilt? I do home day care and most days he

is a pain in the ass with the other kids. He is going to be 12 next month, but

act very immature most days. Is this a normal feeling to have?

>

> Thanks,

> Debbie

>

January 24, 2011

, I'm glad things are going so well with your daughter, communicating

better, more manageable and all.

I also noted with that keeping visits short or staying out at a

store/community was better if we didn't take too long. He was often worse after

having someone over to our home (visiting his brothers usually, but he had to

" hold back " OCD while people were here). I could tell when we were out

somewhere when he was reaching a point of needing to leave. By observing too,

but having him say " are we going to be much longer?? " more than once helped!

>> Â

> My daughter started on Zoloft and CBT in Sept and is a completely different

person, she is more manageable and we have open lines of communication about how

she is feeling. Everyday is a learning experience and a challenge. Yesterday I

realized that her friends should only stay for a short visit because at a

certain point she just cant cope anymore. We identify a problem and talk to the

therapist about it and he always has an aswer for how to approach it next time.

Is your son getting Therapy?

> Â

>

January 24, 2011

Hi Debbie,

I feel the same way about my 9 yr old son. I love him to death, but at the same

time, he annoys me so much!!! I realize it is his ocd and he can't help it, but

this is a normal reaction when your child is constantly at you, confessing, etc,

etc.

It is nothing short of exhausting!!!

I feel for you!

I feel like crying half of the time because of the way I react to my son, but

damn! there really is only so much one can take!!!!

I hope things get better for you soon!

Just know you are not alone.

Hugs

judy

Subject: Guilt

To:

Date: Monday, January 24, 2011, 5:00 PM

Â

I love my son very much, but I hate him. I hate his anxiety, I hate his OCD. I

hate what it is doing to our family. Most times I wish he would just go away.

How does one deal with this sort of guilt? I do home day care and most days he

is a pain in the ass with the other kids. He is going to be 12 next month, but

act very immature most days. Is this a normal feeling to have?

Thanks,

Debbie

January 24, 2011

I apologized to too. I told him I know it felt to him like I was mad at

him, didn't like *him* but it was the OCD I was really fed up with. He once

said - regarding MY feeling fed up with it - " well how do you think *I*

feel??!! " Put me in my place!

>

> I lost it with my daughter several times. I always made sure that if I

> did yell or get angry, that we sat and talked about it after. I always

> apologized and tried to explain that while I loved her to pieces, the OCD made

> me angry and frustrated too because it was the one thing I couldn't just

> " kiss and make it better " for her and I wanted to so badly that sometimes it

> just made me screaming angry. I always made sure we hugged and kisses or

January 24, 2011

It can be so hard to separate the OCD from your kid in the heat of the moment.

Been there.

There are times where OCD is so rigid and controlling, that I hate it too. I

see it controlling our son, and us, through him, and I wish it would just go

away.

I think your feelings are very normal. OCD pushes people to the breaking point,

at times.

I made a point of trying really hard to remember to try to put us on the same

side, against the OCD. Then our son didn't feel like I was blaming him. It's

hard all around.

Hugs to you~

BJ

>

> I love my son very much, but I hate him. I hate his anxiety, I hate his OCD.

I hate what it is doing to our family. Most times I wish he would just go away.

How does one deal with this sort of guilt? I do home day care and most days he

is a pain in the ass with the other kids. He is going to be 12 next month, but

act very immature most days. Is this a normal feeling to have?

>

> Thanks,

> Debbie

>

January 24, 2011

Zing. . . Ouch!

I can only imagine how they feel. <sigh>

Wretched stuff!

BJ

>

> I apologized to too. I told him I know it felt to him like I was mad

at him, didn't like *him* but it was the OCD I was really fed up with. He once

said - regarding MY feeling fed up with it - " well how do you think *I*

feel??!! " Put me in my place!

>

January 25, 2011

Hi Debbie, I feel your frustrations. There are days when my 5 year old OCD son

is so annoying, demanding, telling me what he is and is not going to do,

embarrassing me in front of people with his disrespect that I find myself not

" liking him " . I love him, but I have those days when I don't like him and need a

break. There are days when he will not " STOP TALKING, ARGUING " especially on our

30 min ride home from school. I find myself putting on my earphones and

listening to my iPod to block him out. I do wonder what it would be like to have

a " normal " child whatever that is )

Lori in GA

________________________________

To:

Sent: Tue, January 25, 2011 2:41:02 AM

Subject: Re: Guilt

It can be so hard to separate the OCD from your kid in the heat of the moment.

Been there.

There are times where OCD is so rigid and controlling, that I hate it too. I

see it controlling our son, and us, through him, and I wish it would just go

away.

I think your feelings are very normal. OCD pushes people to the breaking point,

at times.

I made a point of trying really hard to remember to try to put us on the same

side, against the OCD. Then our son didn't feel like I was blaming him. It's

hard all around.

Hugs to you~

BJ

>

> I love my son very much, but I hate him. I hate his anxiety, I hate his OCD.

>I hate what it is doing to our family. Most times I wish he would just go

away.

>How does one deal with this sort of guilt? I do home day care and most days he

>is a pain in the ass with the other kids. He is going to be 12 next month, but

>act very immature most days. Is this a normal feeling to have?

>

> Thanks,

> Debbie

>

January 25, 2011

It is when you need a serious break! Hope you get one soon, it can be

energizing and healthy!

Bonnie

>

> I love my son very much, but I hate him. I hate his anxiety, I hate his OCD.

I hate what it is doing to our family. Most times I wish he would just go away.

How does one deal with this sort of guilt? I do home day care and most days he

is a pain in the ass with the other kids. He is going to be 12 next month, but

act very immature most days. Is this a normal feeling to have?

>

> Thanks,

> Debbie

>

January 27, 2011

Thank you everyone for your responses to my feeling of guilt. It does help to

know others have had the same feeling at times. I am going to try and stop and

remember what all this feels like for him. We have 3 other children who are

being affected by all this anxiety/OCD crap. I can't blame them for getting

upset at how things are in our house because my husband and I get upset too! I

started seeing a therapist last summer to help deal with all this. On top of

the dealings with my son, my mother is in a nursing home with Alzheimers. So

with my son, my mother, my almost 91 year old blind father, trying to spread

myself between my 4 kids and my husband and running a home day care, I AM

STRESSED!! I actually cried to my brother the other day on the phone, which

really surprised me but we were on the subject of my son and it just got to me

when I was telling him how I was always being viewed as the bad guy. My

brother, who lives out of state, then called my sister and told her to take me

out to dinner; that I need to talk. So what's the first thing I say.....I don't

need to talk; I'm fine. She insisted, so tomorrow night my sister and I are

going out to dinner....alone! I know I need to do this more often and I am

going to try and make a conscious effort...also for my husband and I to get out

together alone. Our children are certainly old enough (considering they ate 19,

16, 14 and " Anxiety " at almost 12!). We just never know what is going to

go on when we are gone or what we will come home to. Perhaps the more we do go

out, the better it will become.

Sorry for babbling on here.....was just meaning to say thanks!

Debbie

> >

> > I love my son very much, but I hate him. I hate his anxiety, I hate his

OCD. I hate what it is doing to our family. Most times I wish he would just go

away. How does one deal with this sort of guilt? I do home day care and most

days he is a pain in the ass with the other kids. He is going to be 12 next

month, but act very immature most days. Is this a normal feeling to have?

> >

> > Thanks,

> > Debbie

> >

>

January 28, 2011

Hi Debbie,

Just wanted to say I hope you enjoyed your night out and were able to just talk

it all out of you. Connecting with someone who really cares and who wants to be

there for you, nothing better.

On going out in general, things can be " messy " with or without you there, so

it's good to get away from it and refresh. It will all be right there waiting

for you when you get back, no what I mean?

So essential to get some time to yourself and away from it all, if you are going

to have the stamina to continue dealing with all that comes with this disorder.

Hang in there.

Barb

>

> Thank you everyone for your responses to my feeling of guilt. It does help to