Update on my daughter

[Guest guest]

Hi all! Since I always want to hear how your children are doing, I thought I'd

update first. And I know I posted some of this before about my daughter but

it's bugging me so here we go again.

First, Mikayla's doing great! Last fall (2009), as a freshman, we saw her

anxiety creep back in, even though she had been on 60 mgs. of Prozac for quite a

few years now. It's never " gone " , but manageable. She gets vomit thoughts

accompanied by anxiety, can't eat and is generally miserable like a panic attack

I would suppose, but then it goes away. Could be minutes, could be hours,

sometimes she has to go to bed and sleep it off and she's herself again in the

morning. Sometimes there's an obvious trigger, sometimes it's just out of the

blue. She hates it because it's so random and she can be out with friends and

need to come home, but not want to give an explanation, just that she doesn't

feel well suddenly. So, the " episodes " were happening more frequently over the

summer and into fall. She suddenly got stage fright, but was in choir and had

HUGE anxiety about performances. We went over all the normal, " No one can even

hear you, it's a big choir " ....etc., finally giving her propranalol before

performing, didn't help. She ended up being able to get out on stage and she

lip synced the entire year! 3 concerts! My husband and I would chuckle that we

had to drag all of her brothers to 3 concerts and she wasn't even singing! But,

it was all actually very sad because she wanted to be singing. Poor girl. A

year ago,(Jan) the anxiety was so frequent that I took her in and her pdoc

suggested upping the Prozac to 80 mgs. Well, it did the trick, but it was too

much seratonin and she gained 15 lbs. (she's a dancer so this really upset her),

slept all the time and her grades were dropping. By April, I insisted that we

lower back to 60 mgs. and we helped her through that semester. She ended up

getting all A's and 2 B's. Not bad for everything that was going on. However,

she wants to get into a university that has a cut off around a 3.7 GPA.

So, she had a FANTASTIC summer. Multiple week long away from home camps and has

a great time. Everything is continuing to go well for her anxiety wise,

socially, except for academically. She is still foggy, unwilling to work very

hard and turning in half-baked work. Then she cries because she doesn't know

why she's getting B's and C's. We've been pulling her through this semester as

well (ends next week.) My husband is helping her with Chemistry and they sat

down to review and go over everything from the semester for the final and he

told me later that she couldn't remember a thing. They had to start over.

They've been at it every night together. She's willing to work, but really only

if one of us is there to help her study. I quiz her on French vocab, guide her

on her paper rewrites, and Dad does math and Chem. It's like WE'RE in high

school again! I don't know how she will end this semester, grade wise.

So, 2 things. Do I tell her to not worry about it so much and go to a different

university? Too much pressure for my anxiety child? Also, I don't know that

she will do well in that environment anyway because it will be very competitive

once she gets there. All of her friends are trying to go to the same university

(church school), so she said she'll feel like a loser if she's the only one who

doesn't get in. And we toured the campus and she really wants to go there.

Second, of course everywhere I look it seems like I'm the only one with the

" average " child and everyone else's child excels. We got about 150 Christmas

cards this year and everyone has children taking AP Calc as an 8 yr. old.

Advanced this, #1 in that, it was hard to read it all. One of my best friends

who I talk to every day has a daughter my daughter's age taking 4 AP classes

this semester. My child can't even get through her regular classes! What do we

sign her up for her Jr. year? Try 1 AP? I also got a text yesterday from a far

away friend that said, " Maddie is now ranked #3 in her class, I know who to

knock off now. " It was funny, actually, but then I was sad knowing my daughter

has the capability, but because of a life of anxiety, starvation, and

foggy-headed drugs, she can't keep up.

So, having a hard time knowing how to guide her. How much to push, how much to

say, " It's enough. " and how to not feel sad for her. In reality, I'm SO HAPPY

that she is so stable and able to function. I know that can turn on a dime and

probably will. That's why I'm not suggesting to her to lower her meds. I would

rather have a mentally stable 15 yr. old than one that is doing better

academically but struggling daily. What kind of life is that?

Anyway, I know you all will understand. Maybe it's just more grieving about

what " might have been. " If she had a physical problem, like cancer, I would be

able to have my IRL friends grieve with me. But all of this has to stay bottled

up because of the social stigma of it all.

Thanks for reading my long post!

Love you all.

Dina