A really tough decision

[Guest guest]

So... I feel like I have been saying this a lot lately, but I had to make yet

another difficult decision today. I haven't vented too much in the past few days

because I haven't even had the time to. Sam has been so OUT OF CONTROL that I

haven't even had time to take a breath of air. We have had the police at our

house three times in four days, I have had to restrain him three times, he has

tried to break my arm twice, he has been feeling suicidal, threatened to run

away, thought I might try to kill myself, been aggressive for HOURS at a time...

etc... etc... and on and on and on...

SO.... last night I finally LOST IT! I called the crisis team after the police

had been here, the crisis team had taken an hour to call back and by then Sam

had fallen asleep so they weren't any help. When I talked with them, I told them

I felt like grabbing my car keys and driving away. I tried going into his room

and simply looking at him ad giving him a kiss goodnight and I had the biggest

urge to wake him up and yell at him or... worse yet, spank him! I was SO PISSED

OFF AT HIM! We are talking about months of dealing with him ALL BY MYSELF! But

most recently, five solid days of aggression, coupled with defiance, etc. I was

just fed up... I knew that I needed a break, but there was no one to give it to

me. I felt like I had been asking and asking and asking and asking.

For the record, in case anyone is getting concerned, I WOULD NEVER hurt my son,

I just feel like I am in an abusive relationship or something, trapped, and I

can't get out... and it feels hopeless.

SO today, after staying up and getting only 2 1/2 hours of sleep, and dealing

with him being aggressive AGAIN in the morning BEFORE 7am... I left a message

with our social worker. I said... I NEED HELP AND I NEED IT NOW! They actually

listened! I didn't want him to go anywhere, not really, but what else could I

do? And, apparently, there are such a thing as " placement prevention homes "

where the kids can basically go for long respite when the parents don't have

anywhere else to send them. Sometimes it is used it kids are possibly going to

go into state custody, but other times it is used in this situation... when the

kid is " high needs " and the parent is just out of resources to take care of them

by themselves TEMPORARILY. He is still in my custody and everything. It is just

a place for him to stay, and he still gets to go to his SAME school, in fact, I

have to get up extra early to drive him...

But I feel like I can breath. I didn't want him to go anywhere. He was already

gone for three weeks this summer. But if he didn't go there he would have ended

up back in the hospital. I hope this gives us a chance to breathe and gives his

" team " a chance to see what other services we need and what they can set up for

us... because I CANNOT keep doing it ALL BY MYSELF anymore!

But I already miss him and he is going to be gone two weeks, AND he will be gone

on his birthday, but he doesn't know it yet...

Heidi