Re: General question/ Behavior with anxiety

[Guest guest]

Hi Debbie,

We had similar challenges. No you cannot simply allow this, as you say.

Without knowing your situation better it's hard to advise you but I will give

some general advise.

We could not have restrained our son, 15-16yrs at the time, and I would expect

if we had tried it would have escalated things. During the time that they are

in this anxious state there will be no reasoning.

Find a time when you can have a calm conversation about all this and plan for

what everyone can do. See if you can get at anything specific that triggers

this response. Often it is attached to an OCD trigger. So if you ask your son

to work with you on this to give you a sign, even say " trigger " to try and

prevent the escalation.

Our son would say " trigger " and we would know to stop talking, for example. He

could choose to leave the room or wait it out. We would remind him to make a

good choice. Of course it did not exactly go this smoothly...we had many holes

in our walls...but we at least had a plan. We continued to talk about what he

could do, choices, how to catch himself or recognize when the OCD was tripped

off.

Having said that, we lived through some awful times when nothing worked and we

just got through it. When the OCD is severe and the anxiety high, coupled with

their own temperament, maturity level, and any other challenges, the ability to

cope is diminished.

As much as you can, be the calm, neutral force to help rein in these reactions.

Be firm about the behavior while empathizing with them on the underlying

fear/anxiety that is driving this. They feel out of control, and controlled by

the bully in their head. The last thing they need is someone else yelling(even

when we didn't yell ours felt like we were) at them and making

demands(interpreted as), and what feels like more control. Ours had a thing

about our tone of voice or how something was said, couldn't win on this one...

Believe me I do understand any feelings and reactions you may be having over all

this, and it is truly an impossible thing to manage sometimes, and you just do

your best to get through.

In our case the worst of it was attributed to medications. It took a good year

to sort this out and it was very apparent prior to starting medication and then

once medications were sorted out that this was like gasoline thrown on a fire -

with the fire being the anxiety/ocd.

The thing is that it was the medication that finally helped bring down the

anxiety so that he could work on managing the OCD, so as awful as this was to

live through it truly was a necessary part of our son getting well.

If your son is on medication this might be a contributing factor for you, and

something to look at making adjustments to. Not sure if bipolar disorder is a

consideration, as sometimes the raging comes with this. Sometimes the

medication brings out bipolar symptoms, but is not truly bipolar, as was the

case with our son.

Are you working with a doctor that can give you advise on this? We found it

beyond our scope to cope with and asked repeatedly for help and advise, but

never really found answers. It calmed down as I say when medication sorted and

as the OCD was managed.

Hang in there Debbie and keep looking for answers on all this. I never would

have believed we would be where we are now, from where we were just two years

ago!

Warmly,

Barb

Son, 18, OCDplus - doing better now, almost 2 years!

> > >

> > > Hi Everyone! Just curious about something. At my last visit with my son at

the therapist he told me that some of my actions at home are contributing to my

son's anxiety. Have any of you felt that what you were doing or saying(at home

or elsewhere) in the presence of your child was having a negative impact on

them.? I still am not fully understanding what he was getting at but I know the

difference between obsessive behaviors and normal everyday life. Now, I it makes

me feel like I have to be careful as I question everything I am doing or saying

while my son is with me. PLEASE, I'd love to hear you thoughts on this.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Barb, since you've witnessed the behaviors, and your son tried to help by saying

" trigger " - I have a question.

Do they have enough control to take action and go do some other type of

" activity " to rage/get it out. And just brainstorming, but if there were some

punching bag or something to strike. This wasn't planned, but I remember one of

my sons (no OCD) was really upset and I saw him outside with a branch and

hitting a tree with it over & over again. So would something specific to do

when they get so upset be possible or are they too " in the moment " and not

capable of it?

Let me know if that question makes no sense, I'll try to ask another way.

>

> Hi Debbie,

>

> We had similar challenges. No you cannot simply allow this, as you say.

Without knowing your situation better it's hard to advise you but I will give

some general advise.

>

> We could not have restrained our son, 15-16yrs at the time, and I would expect

if we had tried it would have escalated things. During the time that they are

in this anxious state there will be no reasoning.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi

Well, believe me we tried working that logical solution, of go punch the bag.

Our son had boxed, so he had/has a punching bag. The suggestion was to go punch

the bag when stuff would come up, but that's not what happened most of the time.

Sometimes because it was too in the moment, often an immediate reaction, but not

always. Sometimes he would actually hold off, presumably think about it and

then punch the wall - in his mind he felt " justified " , and it WAS a form of

retaliation from having been " wronged " according to some OCD ideation.

This was the most awful part, because it really was hooked into some OCD thing.

At one point he was convinced we were against him and didn't love him, so no

matter what we said he couldn't believe it.

Also, during much of this time if he did try to use the punching bag he couldn't

stop until it was " just right " or he got the " right " /perfect punch. He would

lie on the floor sobbing in the fetal position that he couldn't get it " right " .

Then we could spend an hour trying to talk him off the floor, with the

conversation going in circles, it couldn't end until it felt right, and we would

have to walk away and leave him there. Sigh.... so needless to say the last

thing he wanted to do was go use that bag!

Now that he is doing better he WILL go downstairs and punch the bag as a stress

reliever. But he will still occassionally bang the counter or something not

breakable. It is definitely a habit and his way of releasing his anger. We

have told him he can hit the sofa or something soft, and he is trying for a

habit reversal by clenching his fist. I suspect that hitting something has more

of a release though.

It has just come up again, as the OCD is worse again with spring, and a

reduction in medication. The difference now is that we CAN talk about it, have

a reasonable conversation about it, and problem solve it. The added layer or

severe OCD and anxiety is not there driving it anymore - that is the part that

no amount of talking/reasoning with will affect change.

So, how's that for a very long answer!!? The short answer would be no, our son,

in general, could not stop and make a better choice, for a period of time. I

would not say it was being out of control as much as being locked in. But he

did learn to remove himself and take his space.

Does that answer the question clearly enough - nothing is really clear on any of

it!!

Barb

> >

> > Hi Debbie,

> >

> > We had similar challenges. No you cannot simply allow this, as you say.

Without knowing your situation better it's hard to advise you but I will give

some general advise.

> >

> > We could not have restrained our son, 15-16yrs at the time, and I would

expect if we had tried it would have escalated things. During the time that

they are in this anxious state there will be no reasoning.

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Barb, you answered clearly!

>

> Hi

>

> Well, believe me we tried working that logical solution, of go punch the bag.

Our son had boxed, so he had/has a punching bag. The suggestion was to go punch

the bag when stuff would come up, but that's not what happened most of the time.

>