Wonder Drug Inspires Deep, Unwavering Love Of Pharmaceutical Companies

[Guest guest]

This was sent in to group by Sepp Hasslberger

http://www.newmediaexplorer.org/sepp/

This is a satyrial piece published in The Onion about a new drug. I

truly really enjoyed this!

Blessings

Shan

THE ONION

Wonder Drug Inspires Deep, Unwavering Love Of Pharmaceutical Companies

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/46032

March 6, 2006

Issue 42*10

NEW YORK-The Food and Drug Administration today approved the sale of the drug

PharmAmorin, a prescription tablet developed by Pfizer to treat chronic

distrust of large prescription-drug manufacturers.

Pfizer executives characterized the FDA's approval as a " godsend " for

sufferers of independent-thinking-related mental-health disorders.

PharmAmorin, now relieving distrust of large pharmaceutical conglomerates in

pharmacies nationwide.

" Many individuals today lack the deep, abiding affection for drug makers that

is found in healthy people, such as myself, " Pfizer CEO Hank McKinnell said.

" These tragic disorders are reaching epidemic levels, and as a company

dedicated to promoting the health, well-being, and long life of our company's

public

image, it was imperative that we did something to combat them. "

Although many psychotropic drugs impart a generalized feeling of well-being,

PharmAmorin is the first to induce and focus intense feelings of affection

externally, toward for-profit drug makers. Pfizer representatives say that, if

taken regularly, PharmAmorin can increase affection for and trust in its

developers by as much as 96.5 percent.

" Out of a test group of 180, 172 study participants reported a dramatic rise

in their passion for pharmaceutical companies, " said Pfizer director of

clinical research Suzanne Frost. " And 167 asked their doctors about a variety of

prescription medications they had seen on TV. "

Frost said a small percentage of test subjects showed an interest in becoming

lobbyists for one of the top five pharmaceutical companies, and several

browsed eBay for drug-company apparel.

PharmAmorin, available in 100-, 200-, and 400-mg tablets, is classified as a

critical-thinking inhibitor, a family of drugs that holds great promise for

the estimated 20 million Americans who suffer from Free-Thinking Disorder.

Pfizer will also promote PharmAmorin in an aggressive, $34.6 million print

and televised ad campaign.

One TV ad, set to debut during next Sunday's 60 Minutes telecast, shows a

woman relaxing in her living room and reading a newspaper headlined " Newest Drug

Company Scandal Undermines Public Trust. " The camera zooms into the tangled

neural matter of her brain, revealing a sticky black substance and a purplish

gas.

The narrator says, " She may show no symptoms, but in her brain, irrational

fear and dislike of global pharmaceutical manufacturers is overwhelming her very

peace of mind. "

After a brief summary of PharmAmorin's benefits, the commercial concludes

with the woman flying a kite across a sunny green meadow, the Pfizer

headquarters

gleaming in the background.

PharmAmorin is the first drug of its kind, but Pfizer will soon face

competition from rival pharmaceutical giant Bristol-Myers Squibb. The company is

developing its own pro-pharmaceutical-company medication, Brismysquibicin, which

will induce warm feelings not just for drug corporations in general, but solely

for Bristol-Myers Squibb.

" A PharmAmorin user could find himself gravitating toward the products of a

GlaxoKline or Eli Lilly, " BMS spokesman Fike said. " This could

seriously impede the patient's prescription-drug-market acceptance, or worse,

Pfizer's profits in the long run. "

" Brismysquibicin will be cheaper to produce and therefore far more affordable

to those on fixed incomes, " Fike added.

The news of an affordable skepticism-inhibitor was welcomed by New York

physician Blake-Mann, who runs a free clinic in Spanish Harlem.

" A lot of my patients are very leery of the medical establishment, "

Blake-Mann said. " This will help them feel better about it, and save money at

the same

time. "

PharmAmorin's side effects include nausea, upset stomach, and ignoring the

side effects of prescription drug medication.