*Breaking ground* My first try at the work

[Guest guest]

Ok, new pals and buds,

Here my first attempt. My brain is swimming and fried from such intense

focus. I did what I could, but got lost on how to check all of the points

on the various segments. I did come away with empowering insights and feel

some peace. Please give me your guidance so that I might go back to places

that I left untouched. This is work!! LOL!

Thank you all!

*Sprout*

Bev Young

*One* with God... is a Majority!

-- The Work of Byron - Online Work Form

1) Who angers or saddens or disappoints you?

I am saddened and enraged by me because I won't protect myself from harm

then and now.

Is it true? No, I got us this far, didn't I? I just couldn't cover all

of the bases every moment in time. I have had to play both ends against the

middle and cut my losses at time. I have been ever vigilant to make the

safest long reaching choices for us. Some have been a stretch and come right

on the heels of others, but I have done my very wisest and my best.

I want better for us, me.

2) How do you react when you think that thought?

I get frustrated and wonder what is wrong with me that I can't value myself

enough to be first or second in my own picture. Why am I so afraid of not

pleasing and being well thought of, chosen by others? Why am I not enough

for them and why am I so sparce for me?

I look outside for connection vowing to it effectively this time. Somebody

somewhere must feel I am enough. Somebody will be for real with me. Someone

would like me just cause...I am?????? I am tried of *doing* in hopes of

being chosen.

2) How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?

I want (name) to: Me

Take care of ME, damn it!! Remember you!! Remember Me! Remember who I am

Remember to remember and consider Me and if I can stand what is coming at

me.

Be committed to check in and honor me if I don't want to go along with

something, and check to see if I am even remotely interested! You know, we

don't HAVE to do everything someone wants in order to be safe and ok. Stop

when it feels right for us inside and risk the future. All we have is *now*,

any way. So what, if we don't please them? They never please us any ways .

It is always about insurance that pays an uncertain dividend sometime out

there in the future,for them . You constantly GIVE them our power. Don't we

stand for anything, you and me????? What could be worse than this aloneness

between you and me?????Where are the *we* of us any ways?

The adult me wondering : What would it be like to STOP this way of

unsucessfully connecting to folks? Truth be told,they ( the world at

large)don't care enough to know us(me personally) and actually don't give a

damn about us or even see us, until they feel that we won't comply with

their needs and wants. Users!!!!

3)What is it that they should or shouldn't do, be, think or feel?

I want me to be more aware and in control and attached enough to watch over

and shield me from lurking dangers, known and unknown. Starting NOW!!!!

4)Do you need anything from them? What do they need to give you or do for

you to be happy?

I need Me to love me and to Consider me.

Just some LOVE. Some connection.

5)What do you think of them? Make a list.

I am so pissed at being betrayed!!! I knew from the start that none of them

were safe(Mom or Dad). They were way too needy and so damned greedy!!!!!

Never stopping to consider that they were using me all up in every way

possible. So blind, so cold, so self absorbed. Never telling me that I was

enough or that I gave them enough or that it was time to stop and rest and

be at peace. That I had satisfied them and could rest in the trust of their

love and value of me and my soul's ernest efforts to be enough. Gosh I am

weary. What soul less dogs they were!! I deserve better. I am so sorry for

their sorry lives. I tried to make it better, but simply wasn't mine to

accomplish. I wish they had it better. I wish I had had it better. I don't

want to be locked into this shit. It should be over, they are dead and gone.

Why can't I brake out or at very least find the key to unlock the chains? I

am smart enough. WHY!!!!!!!!!?????????

Checking something out here:

**Never stopping to consider that they were using me all up in every way

possible.

TA: I am guilty of never stopping to consdier that I have been using me all

up in every possible way in hopes of not being cast aside or abandoned.

Wow, How infantile to thinking that it is possible to win people over and

bind them to you for a life time. It was and ever will be impossible, but I

didn't and couldn't know that as a mere baby. I am very much an adult now

unaware that I am acting on a directive conceive by an infant mind. Funny

after all that investment in them they never did connect. Here I am

fianally seeing that I haven't been minding my own business enough to feel

an attachment to my core self.

**What soul less dogs they were!!

TA: What a souless dog I have been acting like by dogging me (ignoring and

pushing past my limits) all of these many years, when I could have patted

myself on the head and lovingly scratched behind my ears in approval and

loving friendship. Hey, there is that *scraching* stuff again. Wow. --I once

had a toy collie and I loved to pet his silkiness and even gently scratch

his head. ( I am feeling deeply sadden and tearful, at this moment that I

have not been able to see my own neglect and coldness.)

Oh my goodness, I have found the key!!!

YES! I ,for sure ,deserve MUCH better and I am Walking away from the past

this very second with my little girl hand securely in mine. NO!!! I am not a

dog in any sense of the word. Within my soul, even now, I feel touched with

awarming love and vision of this wee baby girl. She is soft and warm and I

AM for HER starting right NOW, right here! What I am counting on is that one

moment of trust will build on another. Our folks are gone, OVER! and I am

here, Present , and able to look upon her, be with her, aware of her and I

am capable of wanting something for her. This is nice to feel , nice

to know. This has not been in my scope of possibilities ever. This is so

very different and a bit novel. I won't lose my tiny *Sproutling*

Declaration:

I am new, brand spanking new to this, but I am a *sprout* and every thing

starts out as a sprout!!!! YEAh, Baby!!!!

6) What is it that you don't ever want to experience with that person, thing

or situation again?

I don't want to or I refuse to:

Stop leaving me out of the decision making.I don't ever want to be forgotten

or abandoned again. Please stop, leaving me behind.

.. TA : I welcome any and all feedback that would alert me to the fact that I

maybe detaching from myself in order to find more placement with someone outside

of myself.