RE: The cleanse/work/drama queen

[Guest guest]

Right now, I'm finding that I am very scared

hating the " real " world.

I felt so safe at the cleanse, even when terrified.

here it's like I am terrified AND powerless.

Well time to start packing. Do the work later.

love

steve

The cleanse/work/drama queen

Before I went to the cleanse I had done a lot of work, it came quickly!

I was done with many of the issues that held me frozen to move on. So I

did that. I often laugh as I do the work and after leaving this list

for a while I did my other work, (I am back in school learning and

gaining some education that will allow me to take some other education.)

I am enjoying that too. The cleanse brought me so much joy, and I love

that. I surely want to keep that with me. I want to keep " me with me "

is as much a truth to that.

So I want to be more present here, I like having others to share and

facilitate some Turn Arounds when I do not see them. I thought that the

work was great at undoing painful thoughts but I found out that it is

just as good to keep the happy ones " tickling me " . It was just so

miraculous in the beginning at turning me around and I went into some

positive action with love and ideas of all kinds of wonderful

opportunities, yet just doing it on simple stuff is just as rewarding.

I have 4 wonderful daughters that I have raised (or kinda), one went

with me to the Cleanse (15 yrs old) and the others were at home. I

called them daily and they were remarkable! My very oldest, who does

not live at home, drove down to take her sisters to dinner and to a

show. The 17 year old took her little sister (11) to her first ice

skating experience (yes, I did call to see if there were any broken

bones!). My kids don't fight! I realized that when hearing some others

talk about how their kids will actually hit each other. Mine don't do

that. I don't know why, they just don't hit, I don't hit, they don't

hit.. and they will openly say they love each other often. I had to

wonder what was " wrong " with my kids as they were not " normal " and

fighting! LOL

I found that when I " checked out " at times (when I was very stressed) I

was just there smiling.nothing else... " bad things could happen " ( my

husband was abusive, .I was checked out,) ..my kids cared for each

other. They knew I loved them but I could not give what they needed and

so they gave it to themselves and to each other. They are very loving

people. So I guess in some way I did give them just what they " needed "

and that feels so good! They can give love to themselves and to each

other.

(by the way I did ask them if any of that could be true and they said

surely!) They are not even angry with me for " checking out " as they got

what they needed. It didn't have to come from me. Whew! I have had

guilt for " falling apart " but I look around and the truth is that it is

all together. I just feel so light and relieved.

I was so worried that the inconsistency of my " being here with me " was

unhealthy for them, they were just fine.

My 15 year old got so much from the cleanse..she found herself in many

stories and that was amazing. We would chat and she would be

often and she was great at it! LOL. One night I was so freaked out and

" needed a mall " .(Karin's work), .oh I needed a whole NEW outfit! LOL

She listened to me whine about how I " dissociated " and checked out and

how bad things had happened in my past and how I was so afraid I would

do it again .blah blah.story .drama.. And she said, " mom stop, is it

true? " I said " but I did it before " .she said yes, and it saved you at

times, but mom, now is it true? ------I didn't find the mall...LOL Oh

I can be such the drama queen!

April