I am in control of my life- HA!

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

It seems that I am stuck with the work on this particular subject. I

do the work on this subject almost daily- but the intensity of fear

around this subject is still very strong. Thought I might do this

piece publically- to see if it loosens up any new points of view on

this very old work for me.

I am mad, sad, disappointed in myself for not doing more, working

harder, getting up earlier, painting more, making more money.. MORE,

MORE, MORE. I am also mad at myself for feeling like I need to do

more, threatening myself with thoughts of poverty and lack in my life

that keep me scrambling to try to keep it all together.

So you should do anything more or less, is that true?

No, I guess it isn't. But I am still really attached to the idea

that I am running this thing and that my success/failure comes from

my ability to make it so or not.

Now we are getting somewhere! So how do you live when you think the

thought " I am in control of my life "

Oh, I feel paralyzed when making decisions about anything, I am

always waiting for the " right " time. I start making connections like

effort = success, no effort = failure, training myself to believe

that I can control money's business, relationship's business,

health's business, etc. The time I do spend doing " nothing " feels

like waisted time. It is a real nightmare!

Without this thought I am free to do what I do without a positive or

negative name, free from the concepts of success or failure, free

from the worry of running my life at all. Peaceful with the task at

hand

TA's I am not in control of my life- Whew!

My life is in control of me- that feels good too.

Love le

P.S. To be honest, doing this work even felt like time waisted on the

internet that I could have spent on something more productive- some

habits of thought die hard.