Ilene and others - nada's reality

[Guest guest]

Barb, that is one of the hardest things for me. I know that there is nothing

in the world I can do to show her how much I love her. I still love her even

though she was an abusive mother. I always loved her even if to " try " to

show it I made myself suffer. I sacrificed my whole person to show her. I

did everything I could think of short of opening a vein, and it will never

ever be enough. I hate that she will die feeling unloved.. But what are we

supposed to do about it? I thought well if I died first, but then she would

still think I had died just to hurt her. Just out of hatred for her, I

wanted to make her suffer the loss of a child, and everyone would say oh,

poor, poor grief-stricken woman. How could her hateful daughter go off and

die to hurt her mother like that. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by the

feeling that it just won't ever end. I can't ever really get rid of her.

She is always going to be there. I look like her, I sound like her, She is

in many parts of me...she is part of me, how is someone supposed to deal with

that? Gosh, sorry for the depressing post. I hope no one gets sad over it.

It makes me so angry, and then more angry for being angry. now i have a

headache! @ & #*%^$#*

[Guest guest]

Hi Ilene:

you said:

I figure my nada will die saying that I'm a lousy, unforgiving

Christian to have treated her this way after all she did for me. I'm

just so glad I know the truth and her reality is no longer mine.

>

---- It is even worse for me! My father and some of my siblings keep

pointing a finger at ME and acting like there's something wrong with

ME! That I'm not this sweet, wonderful, giving female that

I " should " be!!

Where do they get THAT idea? Who, do you suppose, would have TAUGHT

me to act like that? Certainly not nada!!

It is soooo sick! It upsets me soooo much!

This is why I am so angry -- MY perceptions of reality were always

being re-defined!! I wasn't allow to perceive what I knew to be true!

And now the rest of the family is STILL doing that abuse to me!!

Oh, I am so frustrated, I feel like screaming!

I am keeping away from them this year -- I refuse to visit any of

them, and barely talk to any of them.

Any comments are welcome -- and then some!

Barb

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 6/21/02 12:27:43 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

anyrae75@... writes:

> . Just out of hatred for her, I

> wanted to make her suffer the loss of a child, and everyone would say oh,

> poor, poor grief-stricken woman. How could her hateful daughter go off and

>

> die to hurt her mother like that. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by the

> feeling that it just won't ever end. I can't ever really get rid of her.

> She is always going to be there. I look like her, I sound like her, She is

>

> in many

Hi hon! This post really hit me between the eyes! Last year I was diagnosed

w/ cancer. My lovely parents <blatant sarcasm> each had a different

reaction. My father felt guilt because he too had cancer...I felt like I

needed to appease his guilt and remind him it wasn't his fault. My mother

got to play the part she does best " Most long-suffering and tormented soul on

earth " . So, I was faced with cancer and life changing health issues and

guess what....IT WAS ALL ABOUT THEM!!!!!!!!! This is a typical nada/fada

maneuver.

As to looking like nada...the vote is split on that one. Some people think I

look like her, some think I look my dad. I HATE being told I look like

her....know what else freaks me out? Our hand writing was almost identical

when I was living at home still, and still caught up in the drama...but over

the last few months, my handwriting has changed alot....hopefully that means

I am getting rid of fleas!

Chin up sweetie, nada may share your looks, but she cannot have your soul!

Hugs,

Debbie

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 6/21/02 9:53:17 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

sweepea1215@... writes:

> Chin up sweetie, Nada may share your looks, but she cannot have your soul!

>

I am so sorry to hear about your illness. I hope you are better now and

never have to go through that again. I hope that you had someone to care

about only you then too.

Ya, she won't get my soul. Thanks for the kind words.

[Guest guest]

Hi Barb,

It is a process of retraining oneself to put oneself in the most

important place. Like being in an airplane and putting the oxygen

mask on before helping someone else.

In my experience, families of origins (FOOs) are like

brainwashing cults. From the day we are born, before we speak

we are trained to please our parents. Good parents allow babies

and small kids to express themselves while giving them safe

limits. I think we've all witnessed how nadas try to control babies.

On into childhood, we learn from how we are treated, how to get

along with our FOOs. The family is the most important giver of

identity. We learn how much we are worth to them, the thing that

will boot us out, what is expected to survive.

KO's learn a complex form of survival based on " walking on

eggshells " trying to second guess the next move in order to

avoid a bad thing.

These habits follow us into adulthood and I certainly went along

in a very negative environment that was contrary to the life I

dreamed of for decades.

It was only when I did the unthinkable, setting a boundary, that I

began to be able to sort through the debris and slowly " cook " my

own true self, my free self.

I've given up the fantasy of growing old being close to my

siblings. Before my sister died she had this dream of spending

a week with all of the sibs in a house on the Russian River in

CA. At that point I knew it would never happen, because the

family she was hoping for did not exist.

I've been working on the understanding of enmeshment vs. love

for a long time.

It is a painful process,but please keep posting and airing those

dreadful memories.

hugs,

Kathleen

-- In ModOasis@y..., " barbtremon " <barbtremon@y...> wrote:

> Hi Ilene:

>

> you said:

>

> I figure my nada will die saying that I'm a lousy, unforgiving

> Christian to have treated her this way after all she did for me.

I'm

> just so glad I know the truth and her reality is no longer mine.

> >

>

> ---- It is even worse for me! My father and some of my siblings

keep

> pointing a finger at ME and acting like there's something wrong

with

> ME! That I'm not this sweet, wonderful, giving female that

> I " should " be!!

>

> Where do they get THAT idea? Who, do you suppose, would

have TAUGHT

> me to act like that? Certainly not nada!!

>

> It is soooo sick! It upsets me soooo much!

>

> This is why I am so angry -- MY perceptions of reality were

always

> being re-defined!! I wasn't allow to perceive what I knew to be

true!

> And now the rest of the family is STILL doing that abuse to me!!

>

> Oh, I am so frustrated, I feel like screaming!

>

> I am keeping away from them this year -- I refuse to visit any of

> them, and barely talk to any of them.

>

> Any comments are welcome -- and then some!

>

> Barb

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 6/21/02 12:09:29 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

anyrae75@... writes:

> . I hope you are better now and

> never have to go through that again. I hope that you had someone to care

> about only you then too

I am better and God willing I won't ever have cancer again. My husband did a

remarkable job of caring about me, but he had the children to care for too.

It was the begining of the true end of my realtionship with Megatron...sort

of a catharsis, since utter selfishness is the only explanation for her

reaction to my illness. In hindsight, I should have realized the same was

true for dad, but I was clinging to the " lesser of two evils " as far as

parents go! Finally the fog is clearing and I am facing the harsh truth

about him as well.

Thanks for the well wishes. One step at a time is all we can do, so hold on

to your soul and start heading towards the light, hon.

Hugs,

Debbie

[Guest guest]

Has anyone ever met Hindsight? I keep looking, but every time I look at

things in Hindsight, everything gets redrawn, regrouped, and rewritten.

Just like layers of the onion, the deeper we look in Hindsight, the more

we see, and sometimes it isn't what we expected. Each new Ah! Ha! sets

off an endless domino effect. I wanna know just who IS this Hindsight

person anyhow!

Smiles!

Carol

Debbie wrote:

> In hindsight, I should have realized the same was

> true for dad, but I was clinging to the " lesser of two evils " as far as

> parents go! Finally the fog is clearing and I am facing the harsh truth

> about him as well.

[Guest guest]

Whoever he is, he's a pretty smart.

Re: Ilene and others - nada's " reality "

Has anyone ever met Hindsight? I keep looking, but every time I look at

things in Hindsight, everything gets redrawn, regrouped, and rewritten.

Just like layers of the onion, the deeper we look in Hindsight, the more

we see, and sometimes it isn't what we expected. Each new Ah! Ha! sets

off an endless domino effect. I wanna know just who IS this Hindsight

person anyhow!

Smiles!

Carol

Debbie wrote:

> In hindsight, I should have realized the same was

> true for dad, but I was clinging to the " lesser of two evils " as far as

> parents go! Finally the fog is clearing and I am facing the harsh truth

> about him as well.

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