My introduction

[Guest guest]

Susies post hit a chord with me. I have been lurking and trying to

figure out a way to introduce myself since I have been feeling very

depressed lately due to two bad work experiences in a row, some due

to my own self talk, and then attracting negative experience. I

agree we can attract people and situatios through our own self talk.

Here are three examples: (Pretty long)

I have had two jobs in the past year, both I left under not so great

circimstances. The first one I was at for 2 1/2 years. The head of

the comapany was cynical, angry, and felt everyone was a loser and a

failure, and felt she was a victim, and we werent as good, or as

smart as her. (I am not going to use the actaul words she used to

describe us I swore off swearing )She felt if someone was dumb

enough to work for her, then they deserved abuse and that they will

fail miserably. Guess what happened. Every person who worked for

her did fail, (If they were smart they left, but the ones with no

self esteem (me) stayed. But my performance got worse, and I lived

up (or down) to her expectations, thus proving herself right. I

noticed others doing this too. Lots of mess ups, mistakes, but I

realized in the end, her not having faith in people caused her to

hire those who were incompentent, or if the were compentent, were

beat up until they proved her right and then she was happy. She

basically proved herself right.

My next job I entered with no self esteem after the previous one. I

knew it seemed dysfunctional, but I thin, becuase of my low self

esteem, I took it believing fearful I will fail at what I really

want. I felt like a screw up, was fearful of getting fired, and

ended up in a gossipy backstabbing job which didnt reflect my skills

and abilities. Every day I would say to myself I was a screw up and

I will get fired. My boss wasnt any help either, basically she gave

me mis information and refused to help me with my mistakes

Basiacally, it was what I was afraid of, and yet expected. I was

fired after one month, so now I am jobless but trying to visualize a

healthy enviornment.

I have an ex boyfriend who attracts just what he is afraid of in

terms of relationships, becuase he believes he attracts this, (And I

think a part of him actually enjoys it, and he also sees himself as a

martyer, and now is being persecuted in reality, just as he thought

he would be.

I have seen people who visualize the worst, then it happens, and I,

myself have come up with scenerios just to see it happen in reality

later. I need to start visualizing positive, but its tough, after

seeing what I have been attracting lately though, i really need to

change

Maybe I shouldnt say this, least you think I am nuts, but I have made

up people or events just to have it happen for real later. For

example, Once I ended a relationship with a guy, and wanted to make

him jealous (I was in college, young and immature) so I made up a guy

named Doug, I described his looks, personality asnd interests. A few

months later I meet , who had the same looks, personality and

interests as the guy I made up. I have complained about a situation,

making it seem worse than it was, only to end up being in a situation

the next time that resembles very closely the situation I made up.

Maybe this is TMI, But I feel this group can be very helpful. I think

God got me out of my past job, now I need to change my whole thought

process. I have to admit, right now I am afraid to go back to work,

but I need to.