Sensitive Question about End of Life

[Guest guest]

Hi Everyone,

I need to ask a question about dying and I wanted to give those of you who

are not up to reading about this today a chance to delete this message.

Please scroll down for those of you who are.

OK, I had a great big cry this morning. I was thinking about how different

my mom is today and I was overcome with fear that she may be fearful and may

not be able to express it. During her lucid moments, I have asked her if

she is afraid or understands whats happening to her and she repsonded to by

saying that she is frustrated when she can't find the right word. That if

she gets better she does and if not, oh well.

I am left wondering what happens to her when she her mind comes back to us.

Does she wonder where her mind has been or is it more like our sleeping

state where we awake without worry. aaahhhhhhh There isn't much I can do

for her but the thought of her being fearful just wounds me.

I also thought about her burial today and realized that I have no idea what

to do when her body is taken to a funeral home. Will the funeral home

director tell me what clothes to bring? Do I bring shoes? This is so

gruesome but I am trying to shock-proof myself though I know that one can

never really be prepared for the end. I would really appreciate anyone

getting back to me about what to expect once her body is at the funeral

home.

thank you,

Courage

[Guest guest]

Dear Courage,

I thought about all those things that are concerning you right now.

Many times. Often I knew that my dad was completely aware of

everything going on around him and everything happening to him. And

then the next day (or more often the next hour or next few minutes)

he would again be unaware for the most part. It was all so

fleeting. Even his fear. I would just comfort him the best I could

usually by rubbing his shoulders or scratching his back and putting

on CDs of his favorite operas or classical music. And sometimes he

would sing along, with his beautiful deep voice. Matter of fact,

that was how I left him for the last time. Resting on his bed, his

eyes closed, listening to music, and as we (one of my brothers-

visiting-and his son) walked out he started singing. When I got to

the car I realized that I hadn't kissed him good-bye. I was always

very purposeful about kissing him good-bye--just in case it might be

the last time. But I told myself that I'd be seeing him in a day or

two and besides he was doing so well (relatively speaking of

course), that it was o.k. to forego one good-bye kiss, one time only.

HAH!!!!! He showed me!! Anyway, love your mom, comfort her, kiss

her, and hold her and then love her some more. That is truly the

best we can do. Except, perhaps in your case especially, e-mailing

most of the world on the behalf of all LBD sufferers.

Now, on to the somewhat more delicate questions. From my

experience, the funeral directors are very helpful. But it's good

to think about things in advance. Will you have an open casket?

What outfit(s) does she particularly like or love to wear? Shoes

are strictly optional. Maybe just slippers or not. It's really up

to the family and what our LO may have expressed to us about their

desires. My dad gave me no preferences so I pretty much did for him

what he did for my mom upon her death. It all went well but I still

can't believe that it actually happened.

Keep asking whatever questions give you concern.

Best wishes,

Evergreen, CO

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I need to ask a question about dying and I wanted to give those of

you who

> are not up to reading about this today a chance to delete this

message.

> Please scroll down for those of you who are.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> OK, I had a great big cry this morning. I was thinking about how

different

> my mom is today and I was overcome with fear that she may be

fearful and may

> not be able to express it. During her lucid moments, I have asked

her if

> she is afraid or understands whats happening to her and she

repsonded to by

> saying that she is frustrated when she can't find the right word.

That if

> she gets better she does and if not, oh well.

>

> I am left wondering what happens to her when she her mind comes

back to us.

> Does she wonder where her mind has been or is it more like our

sleeping

> state where we awake without worry. aaahhhhhhh There isn't much I

can do

> for her but the thought of her being fearful just wounds me.

>

> I also thought about her burial today and realized that I have no

idea what

> to do when her body is taken to a funeral home. Will the funeral

home

> director tell me what clothes to bring? Do I bring shoes? This

is so

> gruesome but I am trying to shock-proof myself though I know that

one can

> never really be prepared for the end. I would really appreciate

anyone

> getting back to me about what to expect once her body is at the

funeral

> home.

> thank you,

> Courage

[Guest guest]

Courage,

It has been my experience that funeral home directors are very compassionate

in helping and answering question posed by those left behind, when their LO

passes. I would expect that the director would give you a very specific

list of instructions to follow, re: what to bring or not bring. Being

prepared is always a good idea. However, I'm concerned that you may be doing

yourself more harm than good by worrying about this before the time comes.

-Russ

Sensitive Question about End of Life

Hi Everyone,

I need to ask a question about dying and I wanted to give those of you who

are not up to reading about this today a chance to delete this message.

Please scroll down for those of you who are.

OK, I had a great big cry this morning. I was thinking about how

different

my mom is today and I was overcome with fear that she may be fearful and

may

not be able to express it. During her lucid moments, I have asked her if

she is afraid or understands whats happening to her and she repsonded to

by

saying that she is frustrated when she can't find the right word. That if

she gets better she does and if not, oh well.

I am left wondering what happens to her when she her mind comes back to

us.

Does she wonder where her mind has been or is it more like our sleeping

state where we awake without worry. aaahhhhhhh There isn't much I can do

for her but the thought of her being fearful just wounds me.

I also thought about her burial today and realized that I have no idea

what

to do when her body is taken to a funeral home. Will the funeral home

director tell me what clothes to bring? Do I bring shoes? This is so

gruesome but I am trying to shock-proof myself though I know that one can

never really be prepared for the end. I would really appreciate anyone

getting back to me about what to expect once her body is at the funeral

home.

thank you,

Courage

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much . Your not getting to kiss your dad one more time

had me crying and reinforced that I should enjoy every day with her.

I wanted to know about the other question because I didn't want any big

surprises to really knock me off my feet during that time. Mom hasn't

expressed any wished and I think we are all too terrified to ask at this

point. I do know that my parents were life long savers and put away the

money for their burial over 30 years ago so I'm not worried about the money.

I wish now that my mom and dad had used the money to enjoy life. Instead

they worked everyday and even on vacations.

It's amazing to me how things are changing. I spent years fighting with my

mother and just hating her. Now, I'd slay anyone who dared to hurt her.

She is so fragile and needing of protection that many times when I am

walking behind her I have to bit my lip not to cry. My mother was a little

General and never vunerable a day in her life. I know that if the situation

were reversed, she would take 24 hours care of me and would make sure that I

had the whitest socks this side of the equator.

Thanks again,

Courage

Re: Sensitive Question about End of Life

>Dear Courage,

>

>I thought about all those things that are concerning you right now.

>Many times. Often I knew that my dad was completely aware of

>everything going on around him and everything happening to him. And

>then the next day (or more often the next hour or next few minutes)

>he would again be unaware for the most part. It was all so

>fleeting. Even his fear. I would just comfort him the best I could

>usually by rubbing his shoulders or scratching his back and putting

>on CDs of his favorite operas or classical music. And sometimes he

>would sing along, with his beautiful deep voice. Matter of fact,

>that was how I left him for the last time. Resting on his bed, his

>eyes closed, listening to music, and as we (one of my brothers-

>visiting-and his son) walked out he started singing. When I got to

>the car I realized that I hadn't kissed him good-bye. I was always

>very purposeful about kissing him good-bye--just in case it might be

>the last time. But I told myself that I'd be seeing him in a day or

>two and besides he was doing so well (relatively speaking of

>course), that it was o.k. to forego one good-bye kiss, one time only.

>HAH!!!!! He showed me!! Anyway, love your mom, comfort her, kiss

>her, and hold her and then love her some more. That is truly the

>best we can do. Except, perhaps in your case especially, e-mailing

>most of the world on the behalf of all LBD sufferers.

>

>Now, on to the somewhat more delicate questions. From my

>experience, the funeral directors are very helpful. But it's good

>to think about things in advance. Will you have an open casket?

>What outfit(s) does she particularly like or love to wear? Shoes

>are strictly optional. Maybe just slippers or not. It's really up

>to the family and what our LO may have expressed to us about their

>desires. My dad gave me no preferences so I pretty much did for him

>what he did for my mom upon her death. It all went well but I still

>can't believe that it actually happened.

>

>Keep asking whatever questions give you concern.

>

>Best wishes,

>

>

>Evergreen, CO

>

>

>

>

>

>> Hi Everyone,

>>

>> I need to ask a question about dying and I wanted to give those of

>you who

>> are not up to reading about this today a chance to delete this

>message.

>> Please scroll down for those of you who are.

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>> OK, I had a great big cry this morning. I was thinking about how

>different

>> my mom is today and I was overcome with fear that she may be

>fearful and may

>> not be able to express it. During her lucid moments, I have asked

>her if

>> she is afraid or understands whats happening to her and she

>repsonded to by

>> saying that she is frustrated when she can't find the right word.

>That if

>> she gets better she does and if not, oh well.

>>

>> I am left wondering what happens to her when she her mind comes

>back to us.

>> Does she wonder where her mind has been or is it more like our

>sleeping

>> state where we awake without worry. aaahhhhhhh There isn't much I

>can do

>> for her but the thought of her being fearful just wounds me.

>>

>> I also thought about her burial today and realized that I have no

>idea what

>> to do when her body is taken to a funeral home. Will the funeral

>home

>> director tell me what clothes to bring? Do I bring shoes? This

>is so

>> gruesome but I am trying to shock-proof myself though I know that

>one can

>> never really be prepared for the end. I would really appreciate

>anyone

>> getting back to me about what to expect once her body is at the

>funeral

>> home.

>> thank you,

>> Courage

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Russ, thank you for your concern but I've always been the type that needs to

know. Why worry tomorrow, when I can worry plenty today!!!!!

No really, I have always been one to research and learn on my own and

perhaps I am ahead of things but one never knows. I also hope to use the

knowledge I've gained here to help my dad and my siblings. While I have

asked them all to come here, most especially my sister, no one seems to want

to know the nitty-gritty. I'm ok with this as we all cope in different

ways. But thanks again Russ for checking in with me.

Sensitive Question about End of Life

>

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I need to ask a question about dying and I wanted to give those of you

who

> are not up to reading about this today a chance to delete this message.

> Please scroll down for those of you who are.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> OK, I had a great big cry this morning. I was thinking about how

>different

> my mom is today and I was overcome with fear that she may be fearful and

>may

> not be able to express it. During her lucid moments, I have asked her if

> she is afraid or understands whats happening to her and she repsonded to

>by

> saying that she is frustrated when she can't find the right word. That

if

> she gets better she does and if not, oh well.

>

> I am left wondering what happens to her when she her mind comes back to

>us.

> Does she wonder where her mind has been or is it more like our sleeping

> state where we awake without worry. aaahhhhhhh There isn't much I can do

> for her but the thought of her being fearful just wounds me.

>

> I also thought about her burial today and realized that I have no idea

>what

> to do when her body is taken to a funeral home. Will the funeral home

> director tell me what clothes to bring? Do I bring shoes? This is so

> gruesome but I am trying to shock-proof myself though I know that one can

> never really be prepared for the end. I would really appreciate anyone

> getting back to me about what to expect once her body is at the funeral

> home.

> thank you,

> Courage

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Courage

Please don't apologize for trying to prepare yourself for life, and end

of life issues.

Ok, first, my dad passed away at a nursing home. We had 2 options...we

(my brother and I) could call the funeral home to have the body picked

up, or the NH would call. I opted to have the NH call. I also asked

that the funeral home wait for us to leave before picking up the body.

I just didn't want to be there. The NH called the funeral home while we

were there, and the FH had some questions. Being power of attorney I

had to take the call. They asked if dad would be cremated, or open

casket funeral. This makes a difference as to how the body is preserved

- or not. We had an open casket funeral, so embalming was necessary. I

was asked when I wanted to meet with a funeral director to go over any

last arrangements. My dad passed away on Friday Sept. 20 and we met

with the funeral director Saturday morning, the 21st. At that time we

discussed clothes (and was told to bring everything we would normally

wear, minus the shoes). We discussed music, flowers, pallbearers,

minister, burial plot...basicly everything and anything to do with a

funeral, and burial. I called the minister while setting at the FH and

called pallbearers when I got home. I dropped dads clothes off at the

funeral home later that afternoon.

I also want to tell you that about 3 1/2 yrs before my dad passed away

he went into a NH. He had an apartment full of stuff...a lot of stuff.

So I went in and cleaned everything up, everything he couldn't take with

him to the NH. My brother advertised several items in our local

newspaper, and I had a garage sale type sale...in dads apartment. I

sold mostly everything and used the money to start a pre-plan burial

fund. My brother and I went to the funeral home we would use for dad

and 'shopped' setting up everything we would want for dad upon his

passing. I put a lump sum amount of money down and paid on it monthly

after that. It had to be worded " Irrevocable " as my dad was on Title 19

(Medicaid) and wording it as " Irrevocable " is proof that we would not

pull the money out early and spend it.

The funeral home and funeral director were Godsends. They helped

immensely and walked us through many tough days.

Please ask any questions, any time. I am willing to help out, with

whatever you need.

My prayers are with you, and my heart is feeling your pain today.

Hugs and more hugs!

Sandie

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much Sandie for answering my questions. Even though it is hard

to read about this stuff, I do get some comfort in knowing what to expect.

I suppose I'm going to have to talk to my sister who has POA about which

cemetery is appropriate as my mom is Catholic (I'm collapsed). Also, I need

to find out about a priest. My mother stopped going to mass a while ago

because she was convinced the priest said something unkind about her during

mass and was mortified that everyone was looking at her. No matter how much

my father tried to convince her that this did not happen she stopped going

anyway. Perhaps my sister and I will speak to the priest at her old church

and find out if he will be able to do the mass when the time comes. Believe

it or not, quite a few Catholic churches here in Toronto are becoming very

strict about " ministering " to those who have stopped coming to church on a

regular basis.

Thanks again Sandie,

Courage

Re: Sensitive Question about End of Life

>Courage

>Please don't apologize for trying to prepare yourself for life, and end

>of life issues.

>

>Ok, first, my dad passed away at a nursing home. We had 2 options...we

>(my brother and I) could call the funeral home to have the body picked

>up, or the NH would call. I opted to have the NH call. I also asked

>that the funeral home wait for us to leave before picking up the body.

>I just didn't want to be there. The NH called the funeral home while we

>were there, and the FH had some questions. Being power of attorney I

>had to take the call. They asked if dad would be cremated, or open

>casket funeral. This makes a difference as to how the body is preserved

>- or not. We had an open casket funeral, so embalming was necessary. I

>was asked when I wanted to meet with a funeral director to go over any

>last arrangements. My dad passed away on Friday Sept. 20 and we met

>with the funeral director Saturday morning, the 21st. At that time we

>discussed clothes (and was told to bring everything we would normally

>wear, minus the shoes). We discussed music, flowers, pallbearers,

>minister, burial plot...basicly everything and anything to do with a

>funeral, and burial. I called the minister while setting at the FH and

>called pallbearers when I got home. I dropped dads clothes off at the

>funeral home later that afternoon.

>

>I also want to tell you that about 3 1/2 yrs before my dad passed away

>he went into a NH. He had an apartment full of stuff...a lot of stuff.

>So I went in and cleaned everything up, everything he couldn't take with

>him to the NH. My brother advertised several items in our local

>newspaper, and I had a garage sale type sale...in dads apartment. I

>sold mostly everything and used the money to start a pre-plan burial

>fund. My brother and I went to the funeral home we would use for dad

>and 'shopped' setting up everything we would want for dad upon his

>passing. I put a lump sum amount of money down and paid on it monthly

>after that. It had to be worded " Irrevocable " as my dad was on Title 19

>(Medicaid) and wording it as " Irrevocable " is proof that we would not

>pull the money out early and spend it.

>

>The funeral home and funeral director were Godsends. They helped

>immensely and walked us through many tough days.

>

>Please ask any questions, any time. I am willing to help out, with

>whatever you need.

>My prayers are with you, and my heart is feeling your pain today.

>Hugs and more hugs!

>Sandie

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Courage

You are welcome, and best of luck on this very tough task. Also, you

can still set up pre-funeral arrangements so when your mom passes most

of the planning will be done. Even though it was extremely tough, and

at times I felt like I was rushing my dad along in the process, I was a

bit relieved when the time came as at that point I was really just going

through the motions. My brother was so very supportive and

complimenting toward me. He kept saying how proud he was of me for

paying off the pre-plan burial fund and for having everything in order.

It really freed up our time and I feel allowed us time for grieving.

My prayers are with you!

Sandie

[Guest guest]

,

You really touched my heart with your sharing. It is nice to know that the

tears came from more than just my own eyes. Each night I walk with my mom to

her bedroom before bed. We take down the covers, fluff the pillows, hug,

kiss, and say our sweet goodnights. I am already beginning to miss these

events, even before they are gone. I will cherish them even more with

reading your post. Thank you so much for sharing a moment of your past.

Love & Prayers

Betty

[Guest guest]

Courage,

I also wanted to say thank you for posing this question. My thoughts have

been far from it. Even though a few years ago I went through all these

arrangements with my father in Texas, it is an issue I have been ignoring.

Yes, there are some things that can be thought of now. Even in the saddest

of truths, there is discovery. Thanks again. BTW, do you have space on your

floor (I have 2 cats, 5 dogs) if I ever book that Toronto tour?

Much Love

Betty

[Guest guest]

Courage,

Before my Mom passed away, I often wondered if she was scared and

tried to ask her about her feelings when she seemed to be having a

lucid moment. She never expressed any fear, even when she described

the vivid visual hallucinations she was having. Personally I think I

was more scared for her than she was of what she was experiencing. I

still have trouble watching those new commercials on television that

are really surrealistic...such as a tennis player diving to return a

shot and the tennis court becomes a pool of water...they seem to me

to be what Mom's " reality " was. I take comfort in the fact that she

did not seem to be frightened.

I cannot answer your other questions. My mother had asked to be

cremated, and not to have any calling hours. We had a lovely

memorial service for her.

You are in my thoughts and prayers at this time, I experienced all of

the emotions and fears that you are now facing. I will be at your

side every step of the way as you continue walking the path. Stay

strong, stay well.

Anne

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I need to ask a question about dying and I wanted to give those of

you who

> are not up to reading about this today a chance to delete this

message.

> Please scroll down for those of you who are.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> OK, I had a great big cry this morning. I was thinking about how

different

> my mom is today and I was overcome with fear that she may be

fearful and may

> not be able to express it. During her lucid moments, I have asked

her if

> she is afraid or understands whats happening to her and she

repsonded to by

> saying that she is frustrated when she can't find the right word.

That if

> she gets better she does and if not, oh well.

>

> I am left wondering what happens to her when she her mind comes

back to us.

> Does she wonder where her mind has been or is it more like our

sleeping

> state where we awake without worry. aaahhhhhhh There isn't much I

can do

> for her but the thought of her being fearful just wounds me.

>

> I also thought about her burial today and realized that I have no

idea what

> to do when her body is taken to a funeral home. Will the funeral

home

> director tell me what clothes to bring? Do I bring shoes? This is

so

> gruesome but I am trying to shock-proof myself though I know that

one can

> never really be prepared for the end. I would really appreciate

anyone

> getting back to me about what to expect once her body is at the

funeral

> home.

> thank you,

> Courage

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much Anne!

Re: Sensitive Question about End of Life

>Courage,

>

>Before my Mom passed away, I often wondered if she was scared and

>tried to ask her about her feelings when she seemed to be having a

>lucid moment. She never expressed any fear, even when she described

>the vivid visual hallucinations she was having. Personally I think I

>was more scared for her than she was of what she was experiencing. I

>still have trouble watching those new commercials on television that

>are really surrealistic...such as a tennis player diving to return a

>shot and the tennis court becomes a pool of water...they seem to me

>to be what Mom's " reality " was. I take comfort in the fact that she

>did not seem to be frightened.

>

>I cannot answer your other questions. My mother had asked to be

>cremated, and not to have any calling hours. We had a lovely

>memorial service for her.

>

>You are in my thoughts and prayers at this time, I experienced all of

>the emotions and fears that you are now facing. I will be at your

>side every step of the way as you continue walking the path. Stay

>strong, stay well.

>

>Anne

>

>

>

>> Hi Everyone,

>>

>> I need to ask a question about dying and I wanted to give those of

>you who

>> are not up to reading about this today a chance to delete this

>message.

>> Please scroll down for those of you who are.

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>> OK, I had a great big cry this morning. I was thinking about how

>different

>> my mom is today and I was overcome with fear that she may be

>fearful and may

>> not be able to express it. During her lucid moments, I have asked

>her if

>> she is afraid or understands whats happening to her and she

>repsonded to by

>> saying that she is frustrated when she can't find the right word.

>That if

>> she gets better she does and if not, oh well.

>>

>> I am left wondering what happens to her when she her mind comes

>back to us.

>> Does she wonder where her mind has been or is it more like our

>sleeping

>> state where we awake without worry. aaahhhhhhh There isn't much I

>can do

>> for her but the thought of her being fearful just wounds me.

>>

>> I also thought about her burial today and realized that I have no

>idea what

>> to do when her body is taken to a funeral home. Will the funeral

>home

>> director tell me what clothes to bring? Do I bring shoes? This is

>so

>> gruesome but I am trying to shock-proof myself though I know that

>one can

>> never really be prepared for the end. I would really appreciate

>anyone

>> getting back to me about what to expect once her body is at the

>funeral

>> home.

>> thank you,

>> Courage

>

>

>

>