RE: Chronic Pain & Grieving

[Guest guest]

I have heard about a grieving process for chronic pain

too, though I find myself continually going in cycles.

Sometimes I can take my limitations, and other times

I just want to scream and cry.

I am new to the list. Well, I've been reading for a

few days though. I have had fibromyalgia since 1988,

treated by a rheumatologist and so it is finally under

some semblance of control, even though there is still

some level of pain 24/7. I also have osteoarthritis

and a few other things related to the fibro. And I'm

only 34! It is hard not to be able to do all the

things I used to do, and to know that probably some of

them I will never be able to do again. My saving

grace has been discovering the internet where I play

role-playing games, so I can pretend like I have a

body that really works like it should! Mostly though

it is the friends I've made on the games that get me

through everything.

a

__________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

The most important thing to remember about the grieving process and

chronic pain is that it is continuous. You will always be making

new accomodations to the pain and your other symptoms and therefore

will be giving up activities or abilities you hadn't expected to

have changed. As you get older, you may become more mellow about

the losses when they occur. I'm 52 and have been going through

another period of realization that life is changing again with the

loss of abilities and the adjustments that I am having to make.

Do not think that anti-depressants will make you immune to the

grieving. They help, of course, but the losses are real and have

to be dealt with emotionally.

Ray

[Guest guest]

but the losses are real and have to be dealt with emotionally.

Ray, I am so glad to hear you validate these feelings. Have you had any

problems with getting those closest to you to understand how you have

changed and why? I tend to withdraw because I'm tired of explaining myself.

I have told my husband not to ask me if I'm hurting. I hurt all the time but

I try to distract away from the pain. He understands but grown children and

friends don't.

You are an inspiration to me, thank you....judy

[Guest guest]

i think my defense to being asked if i'm ok is to always say i'm fine. in

reality, i dont' remember a day i truly felt fine in the past several

months..but i find it simpler to just say i'm fine. if i mention some of the

things bothering me physically, then i frequently get the " but you're too

young for all those problems " speech. it's just easier to tell everyone that

everything's ok

joni

>

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>I tend to withdraw because I'm tired of explaining myself.

>I have told my husband not to ask me if I'm hurting. I hurt all the time

>but

>I try to distract away from the pain. He understands but grown children and

>friends don't.

> >

>

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[Guest guest]

Judy,

I am a most avid supporter of individual, marriage, and family

counseling. Some six years ago the pain was so great and I could

find no doctor to assist me with pain management...even though I

was married to a physician...that my wife was considering

separation. The pain had wrecked two careers and I finally

accepted the fact that I couldn't work and deal with the pain.

I began individual counseling in which the psychiatrist determined

that my problem wasn't depression, remarkably, but anxiety from the

high pain levels resulting in misplaced anger, especially if anyone

disturbed my attempt to concentrate on something other than the

pain. For instance, I could become engrossed in a good novel, but

yelled at anyone who caused me to lose my concentration and " bring "

back the pain. This caused all sorts of family problems.

My wife and I went into marriage counseling. We included our then

15 year old daughter in family counseling with us. Two children

were married and not at home, while our youngest was 6 and really

didn't understand what was going on. The counseling sessions were

about family dynamics but had to deal with my chronic pain

ultimately.

My children did not understand how much pain I was in. To tell the

truth, neither did my wife. When they understood how much pain I

lived in every moment of my life they saw my behaviors in a

different light. I worked on my misplaced anger and how to be

polite and nice even though I was in pain.

To make a long story short, the counseling saved our marriage,

restored my relationships with all my children, and ultimately led

to medical assistance for me with a doctor at our local hospital

instead of the forced six+ hour one way drives to a medical center

that would not treat my pain.

There are very few counselors out there who do know how to work

with chronic pain patients and there families. Luckily our

counselors were skilled enough to figure out how to help us.

It is my belief that anyone dealing with chronic pain daily will

need counseling as well as marriage, and family counseling.

My mother died three years ago. She suffered from many of the same

disorders that I suffer from. Luckily I don't have the condition

that did lead to her death. However, through her pain and

sufferring my family came to understand even more how difficult

life was with chronic pain as a constant compainion.

Your attempt to distract yourself from the pain is a good " tool "

but will need the assistance of your husband and family to

understand why their disturbing you may cause you to be angry or to

experience increased pain.

Check out counselors in your area. Our medical insurance covered

about 60% of the cost. Yes, it is expensive, but divorce would

have been far more expensive both financially and emotionally.

There are good social services for those with more limited incomes

in most communities.

Ray

[Guest guest]

I agree Ray. I considered myself " past it " , ie the grief and depression

part, until my diagnosis of AS came in on top of everything else.

I had what I believe is technically called a 'total freakout'. I really lost

it for awhile, and in the end I'm glad I did. It was like an emotional

clearinghouse, and one I definitely needed. And I'm still dealing day to day

with the acceptance of new limitations.

--

Robbie in FL, co-moderator chronic_pain.

AS/ReA 18 + years, and still going...

feralelf@...

Ray in Virginia on 1/28/02 1:55 PM wrote:

> The most important thing to remember about the grieving process and chronic

> pain is that it is continuous. You will always be making new accomodations

> to the pain and your other symptoms and therefore will be giving up

> activities or abilities you hadn't expected to have changed.

[Guest guest]

Joni said

" I find it simpler to just say I'm fine. if I mention some of the things

bothering me physically, then I frequently get the " but you're too young for

all those problems " speech. it's just easier to tell everyone that

everything's ok "

I have this problem too - I say I'm fine as well! I have a really good

friend that then asks " but are you really fine? " but most of the time people

just accept the answer! I wish they wouldn't ask unless they really wanted

to know! Coming to terms with things like that is part of it all and it does

get depressing at times! Part of me thinks " why should I say I am fine just

to ease their awkwardness? " but I guess I like a quiet life really!

Having a good day so far! At least the Hurricane Force Gales have gone and

Northern Scotland is getting back to normal! Don't know how the folks in

Hurricane/Typhoon places manage!

Regards to everyone!

Carole

http://www.geocities.com/mostlywind/yahoo2.html

[Guest guest]

Welcome a,

I too have fibro and have had it for many many years. I have found that for

me it boils down to acceptance. It's taken me a few years to get to this

point.

My doctors are always telling me that I have to pace myself. I have a very

hard time learning how to do this. On those good days I try to get

everything done that I haven't been able to do because of the pain. Then

I've done too much and I'm " down for the count. "

When I am able to stay in a frame of mind of accepting my limitations my pain

level as well as my life in general goes better. I still have days when I'm

angry about the pain and the limitations it puts on my life in general. When

I was dx'd with fibro I was both relieved that I wasn't crazy and angry

because I was all ready dealing with chronic pain from spinal disease. I try

to give myself a break when the pain is going off the scale. Posting this

does help me also because I'm reading my own words and today is one of those

days when I need to give myself a break

and tell myself it's OK to go lie down instead of doing another load of

laundry.

Kathleen in Calif.